


Healing What's Broken

by meggles830



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gilmore Girls Setting, F/M, Post Finale, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 16:19:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 22
Words: 70,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10540083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meggles830/pseuds/meggles830
Summary: Picks up right before the infamous graduation party of Rory's. Remember how anxious Paris was to sell furniture on Craigslist? Add that to the fact that Rory lives in the absolute Ghetto and they find it necessary to have 8+ locks on the door. Ultimately Logan and Lorelai come to terms with each other, Rory and Logan only become stronger and we get resolution on Lorelai and Luke OR Lorelai and Chris. (Oh, by the way, I adore Christopher Hayden. He ain't perfect, but he's awesome).Trigger warnings: rape/non-consensual- I avoided detailed descriptions of the actual act as much as possible, but its still got rough moments. I know, big departure from my other stories, but it came to me and I couldn't get it out of my head, so I figured I'd write it down.





	1. The End in the Beginning or the Beginning in the End?

**Author's Note:**

> Title based on the F Scott Fitzgerald quote: And in the end, we were all just humans...Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.

A/N: picks up right before Rory’s graduation party/ill-fated proposal. Turns out, everyone who hated the building she lived in was spot on when Rory misses her own graduation party.

“Lorelai, there you are, is Rory with you? I have been looking for her absolutely everywhere! I swear, you would think that she’d make more of an effort to be on time for her _own_ graduation party- you know, I blame you for not teaching her the importance of proper manners.”

“Oh, hello, Mom, it's _so_  nice to see you too! Oh, you like my dress tonight? How nice of you to say. I really tried extra to find just the right thing, but you know how this season just isn't doing a thing for my coloring.” Emily just rolled her eyes in exasperation at her daughter’s sarcasm.

“Lorelai, please be serious. We wanted to give her her gifts before all of the guests arrived, which will happen in 15 minutes, unless the Sudburys show up early like they always do- so tacky.”

“Sorry Mom, I haven’t seen her; we talked this afternoon after her last exam and she was just going to finish packing up before meeting us here… I think she had to wait for someone from Craigslist to come pick up a table or a lamp or something? Maybe that person was a little late and that’s why she isn’t here yet. Oh, look, there’s Logan, I'm sure she’s with him.”

“Selling a table on Craigslist? Why not just invite homeless people into her apartment to rob her? I swear, I do _not_ understand the way this generation conducts business.” Lorelai looked around the room, desperate to get out of this conversation before Emily Gilmore got going on yet another way Lorelai had failed in her maternal duty.

“Oh, Logan, thank God you’re here! I mean… Logan, you’re here!” She motioned for him to come join them, he eyed her curiously (almost suspiciously) as he walked toward her- Lorelai wasn't usually so... welcoming to him. Maybe the night of their pie truce had been more constructive than he knew? Or... probably she was looking for some air support from her own mother, but he couldn't deny that he was looking around the room, more than a bit fidgety and nervous, trying to find Rory while NOT sticking his hand in his jacket pocket to finger that ring box.

To be fair, Lorelai had been on edge ever since he asked for permission to propose. Every time she got a call or a text she was sure it was going to be Rory saying it happened, and she honestly had no idea how to handle it either way. If Rory said yes the worries would be that they were just so young and only barley starting life- they should continue to just live together, experience things, travel the world... Then again, she honestly didn’t want them to break up- despite their differences, Lorelai had actually, albeit recently, come to see Logan as a good guy with incredibly crappy parents (she could relate) who genuinely loved her daughter; just because SHE, at the age of 40, couldn’t make a relationship work to save her life- well, that didn’t mean she wished the same for Rory. Who knows, maybe if her and Chris had managed to get it together sooner, things might have been different?

“Well, if it isn’t the two most beautiful women in the room- you both look particularly lovely tonight." 

“Why thank you, Logan, how sweet of you to say.” Emily smiled at the charming blond who was a little too smooth for his own good.

“Don’t let my daughter hear you say that, you’ll be in the doghouse for sure.” Lorelai poked back.

“I actually haven’t seen her yet, Lorelai, so I can’t possibly get in trouble.” Weird how just a few weeks ago Lorelai found that smile of his to be too _smirky_ and so incredibly annoying. She had to admit that ever since they bonded over 2 am pie during the Spring Fling, she was beginning to understand a little bit better what Rory saw in him. Despite her opinion on whether it was too soon for them to get married, and her fear of Logan whisking her daughter off to California… He really had grown on her- weasely bastard. 

“Ah, Emily, there you are, I’ve been looking all over for you- I have Rory’s gifts all wrapped and ready to present, where is our lovely young graduate?” Richard walked up to the group gathered by the piano and the makeshift stage.

“I don’t know Richard, that’s what we were just trying to figure out.”

“She isn’t here yet? But the party starts in 15 minutes, she’s the guest of honor, she should be here by now.”

“Well _I_ know that Richard, but it seems that our granddaughter wasn’t raised to _appreciate_ the importance of manners and courtesy and enough common sense to understand that if one is being honored at an event, it’s appropriate for that person to attend said event.”

Lorelai was rolling her eyes at the jab when Logan stepped in- one more point for in his favor.

“Richard, Emily, It’s no problem, her apartment is only 5 minutes from here, I’ll give her a call and see where she is, find out if she needs a ride. I'm sure if she's not presently on her way, she has a very good reason for it, this is Rory.” He had come straight from having coffee with Honor nearby, wanting to talk to her about the ring that was burning a hole in his pocket and get some advice on how and when to actually propose, and Rory had been trying to finish up packing so they had agreed to meet at the party.

He took out his phone and dialed her number, surprised it went to voicemail. He texted her a quick “you on your way?” but after a few minutes she hadn't responded, that made him worry a bit. She had been practically surgically attached to her phone lately, hoping to hear back from papers she had sent resumes to- not to mention, it was awfully close to the party for her not to be there- she _had_ lived with Emily Gilmore for long enough to NEVER make that mistake.

Lorelai had also tried to call and text, but with similar results. They stood around, trying to make small talk for a few minutes, awkwardly waiting to hear from Rory, feeling the tension between them AND praying that Emily wouldn't _actually_ throw a fit. And, sure, Lorelai always enjoyed someone else having to bear the brunt of her mother’s verbal badinage, but she was starting to get a really weird, nagging feeling- her  _Mommy_ _Sense_ was tingling.

Lorelai grabbed a glass of champagne from a passing tray while her mother looked around for servers she could yell at and Richard was looking for a scotch as Logan fiddled with his phone and toyed with something in his pocket that would be making Lorelai more anxious if she wasn't already close to max capacity. This was it. This was everything they had scrimped and saved for- every night in the garden shed outside of the Inn, the rain hitting the thin, tinny roof, as she read her stories, helped her with spelling, dreaming of a day they could own a house and Rory would go to college (sure, fine, Harvard back then), and become a global correspondent... And now, at the culmination of that, it seemed crazy that Rory wasn't actually there, basking, she deserved to bask!

And then the tension was broken by mooing. Lorelai jumped a little, she had completely forgotten about making her new ringtone "beatific bovines", mostly just enjoying the alliteration. But after a minute of strange looks she remembered, digging out her phone from her purse and flipping it open instantly, not even bothering to look at the caller ID.

“Really, Lorelai? Cows mooing is your ringtone? What, you couldn't find the sounds of hyenas mating?" Oh, Emily, you always know what to say, huh?

“Yes Mom, because they’re fun and they sound happy, and no one else has cows mooing as their ringtone so I don’t hear 40 ringtones a day and think they’re all my phone, it’s distinctive and saves me precious time digging through my purse. Hello?”

“Lore? Oh, thank God, Lore, it’s Chris.”

“Chris? Hey, where are ya’, the party is about to get started, if we ever find our missing guest of honor that is- she seems to have gone AWOL. My guess is she’s taking a page out of Lady Gaga’s book, you know, really make a grand entrance in some kind of giant, see-through bubble like Glinda the Goodwitch... I tell you, college graduates these days can be so dramatic.”

“Lore, stop. I’m at Rory’s apartment- something is wrong." Lorelai felt her veins turn to ice instantly. "I came by to give her her graduation present. I thought maybe she would want to wear it to the party, if it worked with her dress, you know, but I didn't know what her dress was... or, I guess, whether she was wearing a dress, but I had this necklace from my grandmother I thought would look amazing on her... Anyways, that's not the point. I got her, and... there were cops and an ambulance and crime scene tape and…Lore, I don’t know much, but it’s Rory, they gave me the apartment number and it's her. It's our little girl. Rory was hurt or she was attacked or she fell or _something_. I don’t really know what it is, but the cops are here and they’re telling me she’s already been taken to the hospital, a neighbor found her? They're telling me I can go there and talk to them there or I can wait here and talk to them, but something happened to Rory and the cops want to talk to me and probably you and they can't talk to Rory at the moment and I don't know _what the fuck is going on!_ ”

Lorelai’s heart had stopped beating. For the rest of her life she would swear that her body went into total organ failure when she heard Chris say those words- _something happened to Rory_ \- she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t move, she went pale, every muscle seized and she apparently dropped the phone, her eyes wide and instantly filling with tears.

“Lorelai, what on earth?” Emily had started the question with that tone that seemed saved for her issues with Lorelai, but she saw the look in her daughter's face, the color draining from her face so suddenly. She moved closer. "Lorelai, what is it? What is going on? Is it the Inn?" 

Logan was the only one who the presence of mind to pick up Lorelai’s phone from the thick Persian carpet, he heard Christopher shouting on the other end.

“Chris? Hey, it’s Logan... Lorelai is… well, I don’t know, but she doesn't seem well, what’s going on? Is it your mom? Gigi?" The idea that it could be something to do with Rory was unfathomable to him. But then,  Chris repeated what he just said- Logan paled instantly, but he didn't freeze- he couldn't stand still, he needed to go somewhere, do something, maybe head to Rory's? What was he supposed to do right now?  “Which hospital?” The second Chris said it, Logan was in motion, looking for his keys and practically sprinting out the door, barely stopping to turn and speak to the Gilmores. 

“Rory’s been hurt, or something, she’s at _New Haven General_ , Chris is going to drive over and speak to the cops there, I’m going to meet him. Lorelai, Richard, Emily, does anyone want to come with me?” FUCK! He realized, very suddenly, he hadn’t driven here, his car was all the way across Campus. He swore as he pulled out his phone to call a cab service, figuring the others could figure out what was happening and how to get there themselves. As he gave the address to the taxi dispatcher he reached out for Lorelai’s hand, pulling her forward as he gave it a (hopefully) comforting squeeze- she needed to get to the hospital, _he_ needed to get to the hospital and Emily and Richard could figure out what to do with the 300 guests they had invited to this party that Rory would hate.

Even in crisis mode, Logan was the consummate gentleman, he opened Lorelai’s door and helped her in, made sure she had her purse before he got in himself, before giving the driver the address and promising him $100 if he could get them there in under 10 minutes. They were completely silent on the way there, Lorelai barely moving, staring straight ahead in a trance-like way. In the meantime? Logan’s thoughts were racing a million miles a minute _(unlike this damn cab, how the hell could traffic in New Haven be so ridiculous on a Thursday night?)_. What happened? He had _just_ talked to her, what?  Two hours ago? She told him all about her exam that day, and then  a funny, nostalgic story from her first year as she packed up- tearing up, and unwilling to admit it really was her last day of college living.

The cab seriously had barley stopped (ok, it had technically stopped, but neither Logan or Lorelai would ever remember this story as something to undersell, and it was seriously close.) Once there Logan fought his instinct to run and find Christopher and Rory as soon as possible, but Lorelai was still frozen, didn’t even move to get out of the cab until Logan walked around the side, opening the door and helping her out.  He started walking as quickly as he could towards the Emergency Room, grabbing her hand, squeezing it gently, wanting to say it would be alright, but he had no idea what he was saying or doing, he didn’t know what was wrong, but needing her to follow along because if he didn't see his Ace  _soon_ , he was going to lose his goddamn mind. He crossed over the threshold into the ER and almost instantly heard a very loud, very upset man's voice.

“My daughter was brought in here, Rory Gilmore, I’m her father, I need to see her, I need to know what happened! She was with the police and in an ambulance and I don’t know where she is, but she’s my daughter and I need to see her right now!”

“Sir, I understand you’re very upset right now, but she’s in Triage at the moment so they can assess the extent of her injuries- there is a police officer with her at the moment and it’s hospital policy not to let anyone in while she is unconscious until they have determined the--”

“I don’t give a fuck about your protocols, that’s my daughter and she’s hurt and she’s probably terrified and I’m her father!”

“Sir! Until the police say it is ok, or she comes to and asks for you, you are going to have to sit down.” The nurse was not at all intimidated by Chris’ outburst, which was impressive because he looked genuinely terrifying and she barely hit 5’ tall.

That’s when he turned and saw Lorelai and Logan walking towards them, Lorelai looking shell shocked and not talking- he’d never seen Lorelai not talking; normally she would be the one doing the whole Mama Bear protecting her cub routine while he was a quiet mess in the corner, but right now it almost looked like Logan was literally propping her up or she would pass out. Logan gently sat Lorelai down and went over to Chris.

“Hey, have you seen her? Do you know what happened? Did she fall or something? I caught her earlier standing on the window ledge trying to patch a hole and warned her she’d fall and break her neck. God, I hated that apartment, I hated it from the first second I saw it, I mean, no apartment that needs 8 locks to get into it and feel safe, should be lived in- and Doyle and Paris moved into their new place yesterday, so she was by herself in that horrible, shitty apartment with the drug dealers and the gang and…” Logan was cut off by Chris.

“I know, I wanted her back in a place like your’s, I _offered_ to pay for a place like yours, I _begged_ her to let me pay for one with a doorman and all of that, but she insisted that it was the _College Experience_ and something about George Orwell and London and Paris- I don’t know, I think it’s a book he wrote? Anyways she said it was important to experience life and scrub dishes and she would be fine…”

“Yeah, I got the same speech when I tried having the same conversation.” And then it was quiet for a minute, both knowing how stubborn Rory could be. They got quiet, neither having anything else to say until a uniformed member of the New Haven Police Department came over.

“Excuse me, are you related to one Lorelai Leigh Gilmore?” It was so weird for Logan to hear her called that- she was Rory, Ace, not Lorelai- Lorelai was over on the chairs, silently crying, although when the cop came out she stood and moved closer towards them. It didn’t seem to just be him though, Chris was obviously thrown for a second too.

“Rory, yes. We call her Rory. I’m not sure that it matters, or if you need to know that- her name is legally Lorelai, but that’s her mom’s name too, so she goes by Lorelai and our daughter is Rory and that’s how we avoid the confusion… but if you need to call her Lorelai, that’s fine too, she’ll answer to that.” He stopped and took a deep breath, trying to calm down before speaking again.

“I’m sorry, I guess I’m just feeling pretty anxious. Yes, we’re Lorelai Gilmore’s family. I’m her father, Christopher Hayden, I went to her apartment tonight and the police and ambulances were already there and they told me my daughter was here and I don’t know what happened. This her mom, Lorelai, but I guess we already covered that one. Anyways, can you tell me what happened?” The cop had a look of pity in his eyes, a look that made Logan’s heart skip at least two beats- it was bad.

“We’re still trying to piece it together. It seems that Ms.Gilmore was found by a neighbor approximately 35 minutes ago- the door was ajar and the neighbor thought it was odd for this apartment. Apparently they have a fairly elaborate system of locks and deadbolts on the door?” Logan nodded to confirm. “The neighbor walked in and saw Ms.Gilmore on the floor, injured and unresponsive to hearing her name. She called 911 and police and EMTs were on the scene within 7 minutes. At first glance it looks like she was attacked by one or maybe two individuals. The doctors are still looking her over, trying to determine the extent of her injuries and the police are working on processing the scene  and canvassing for information from neighbors. She’s pretty banged up, it looks like she suffered blunt trauma to the head which explains her state of unconsciousness but there was no evidence of a gunshot or knife wound. A doctor should be out here to speak with you shortly.”

“Thank you Officer... ?” Chris continued speaking to the officer but Logan’s brain was running off- he couldn’t figure out what the fuck had happened? Rory had been attacked in her apartment? Rory had been hit over the head with something, she was unconscious… why had he let her move back in with Paris and Doyle- why hadn’t he fought her more about staying in the apartment they had together? He knew something like this was going to happen- come on, The Wire wouldn’t have filmed in that building! The officer left, back behind the doors where everyone seemed to disappear so Chris, Lorelai and Logan went to find seats, Chris’ arm around Lorelai, guiding her and holding her to him as she wept. Chris was crying too, but much more quietly, while he stroked her hair, trying to comfort her.

None of them had any idea how long they had sat there before a doctor and a Detective came out, asking for Chris and Lorelai. Logan stood to go with them to a private area but was stopped.  

“Are you family? I’m afraid only family can come with us.” And she would never be able to really say why she did it, but Lorelai took Logan’s hand and said,

“He’s her fiance. It’s fine.” That made Chris and Logan do a doubletake and Logan knew he was going to have to answer some questions later from the man, but the Detective honestly didn’t seem to care, he just shrugged and let him join them in the alcove.

“Mr. and Mrs. Gilmore-”

“Umm, I’m Mr. Hayden, this is Ms. Gilmore. And, this is, her fiance-” he glared at Logan, “Logan Huntzberger.” It was a strange thing for Chris to say and for Logan to hear, felt almost surreal- but in different circumstances would probably have Logan grinning like an idiot, until Lorelai finally said something.

“Chris, for the love of God, they can call you Toucan Sam right now, what the hell does it matter? Please, what happened to my daughter, what do you know, is she alright?”

“Ms. Gilmore, I’m Detective Noonan with the New Haven Police. We responded to a call tonight for an unconscious female, one Rory Gilmore, in her apartment. The door had been left ajar and there were signs of a fight or a struggle of some kind- it appears she was in the process of moving out of the apartment?” Everyone nodded. “When we got to the scene we noticed that she had been hit pretty extensively, including a large wound to her head. She had scratches on portions of her body indicating she fought her attacker.” Lorelai grasped Chris’ arm, holding on for dear life as she listened to this Detective continue telling her about how her biggest fear in the world seemed to have happened. Then he looked around, making sure they weren’t going to be overheard. “Look, Sir, Ma’am, there really is no easy way to say any of this, but there were signs of sexual assault at the scene and if she doesn’t come to soon, we would like permission to begin processing a SAFE Kit.”

Logan couldn’t hear anything after that for a minute, it was like that time that he got caught in the undertow while surfing with Finn in New Zealand- there was just a roaring sound in his ears, everything seemed blurry and undefined, his face was hot and breathing was suddenly very difficult. He missed the Doctor’s analysis of her condition almost entirely, he caught snatches about subdural hematomas and a fractured tibia…

“I’m sorry, a SAFE Kit?” Logan interrupted whatever he was in the process of saying.

“Yes, sir, a sexual assault forensic evidence kit. The sooner we begin gathering the evidence, the more we should get, and sometimes it’s actually better to gather it all while the victim is unconscious to avoid any further trauma.”

After a moment the doctor walked away, as did the Detective, after giving Lorelai and Chris a card, saying something about forms and DNA exclusionary evidence and then he just left the three of them to stand there and process what they had just heard. They looked at each other, everyone at a complete loss for words, unable to do anything but stand there and cry.

Lorelai backed up against the wall behind her and slid down, becoming just a heap on the floor. Chris ran his hands down his face and through his hair, trying to pull himself together, his hands shaking as he tried to pull out his phone, he needed to call his mother, she was watching Gigi, she’d have to stay the night.

And Logan just stood there, his hand in his pocket, grasping the blue velvet box with the gorgeous engagement ring he had purchased only a few days ago. He had been wandering around in San Francisco, thinking about how much she would like the city, he was drinking a cup of incredible coffee that made him think about her and how much he missed her and all of a sudden he realized he was standing outside of a jewelry store and everything sort of just clicked- he didn’t want to just ask Rory to move to California with him, to live together- he wanted to marry her and have a family with her- it all fell into place.

He walked into the store and saw a display of art deco inspired rings and there was one with a 1.5 carat asscher cut diamond, flanked by two smaller diamonds, and sapphires set into the band. The second he saw it, he knew that was her ring, he didn’t try to haggle, he didn’t look at any others, he bought it on the spot- paying extra to have something engraved inside before he left the city.

And now? He found himself sitting down in the waiting area again, the ring box in hand, just staring at it. He had a plan, he was going to ask her tonight with her mom and dad and grandparents all there...they could celebrate the end of their Yale years by beginning the next step in life- it was so perfect. He had spent days writing and re-writing what he would say, going back and forth about whether to get on one knee; fuck, he’d stressed about whether he should address her as Rory, Rory Gilmore, or go super old-fashioned and use Lorelai Leigh Gilmore. He looked at the clock on the wall above the doors that made everyone disappear. It was 8:00- he would have proposed by now, had some champagne and hopefully be in the horse-drawn carriage he had rented for the night, his ring settled and safe on her finger where it would stay for the rest of her life. Then,they’d ultimately end up at the suite he reserved at the Omni in New Haven for them to continue the celebration more privately.

As Logan sat on the least comfortable chair known to mankind, thinking about the hideously cruel twist the night had taken, Chris was beside himself- screaming inside, having trouble sitting even remotely still. His daughter, his beautiful, brilliant daughter who had studied so much and worked so hard for tomorrow’s graduation; instead of being out tonight and celebrating and enjoying her success, she was lying in a hospital room with doctors and police combing every inch of her for injuries, for evidence… This couldn’t possibly be happening, it was so much worse than just about any nightmare he had ever had.

And almost as scary, if not scarier, Lorelai, his and Rory’s rock, the bravest woman he had ever known, was a crumpled heap on the floor next to him- alternating between racking sobs and silently staring off into space, almost catatonic. She just couldn’t process what was happening, Rory was her daughter and her best friend in the world- the idea that someone had hurt her precious girl was more than her brain could handle. Chris was rubbing her back, holding her hand, but he didn’t think she even noticed he was there. He was going to have to be the rock for a change, at least for the time being- and he was not a rock, that was Lorelai- not him.

Sighing in acceptance he stood and walked back to the quiet alcove they had stood in while the doctor and the Detective delivered the news- taking out his and Lorelai’s phones to get started. Chris let out a long breath, trying to reclaim some semblance of calm before making his first call, a call that he never thought he would have to make. He dialed Emily’s cell phone- she picked up instantly, making him feel guilty for not calling sooner, they must have been terrified.

“Emily, you and Richard should come to the hospital. We’re still in the Emergency Room, but we talked to the police and the doctor… she’s unconscious and apparently pretty banged up- we haven’t seen her yet, but we’re hoping we can soon.” He wasn’t going to bring up any conversation about the attack. “I know you have a lot of people there-”

“Don’t be ridiculous, if Rory is there, we are on our way. We’ll see you shortly.” And she hung up- he heard her calling for Richard as she did- they would be there soon. Now he could call his mom and ask her to keep Gigi for the next few days, he kept the details as minimal as possible, he called and left a message for his assistant in the office telling her to cancel anything he had scheduled for the next week, he let Gigi’s preschool know she wouldn’t be coming in the rest of the week, he called Sookie to tell her that Lorelai wouldn’t be able to come in to work for the next few days, giving as few details as he could- he just couldn’t explain over and over. He remembered to phone Babette and ask her to take care of Paul Anka, just saying that Lorelai was going to be in New Haven overnight. By the time he was done making calls he felt like he had just run a marathon, he was exhausted and scared and angry and completely powerless.

He walked back over to Lorelai who was staring into space, completely unfocused, seemingly cried out and numb. He knelt down next to her, trying to get her to look at him.  

“Lore, I called Sookie and told her you won’t be able to go to work the next few days, she said no problem, just give Rory a big hug for her, she’s going to send cookies for us. I told her that Rory fell, we can figure out later what to say. Oh, your parents are on their way over, I don’t know what they’re doing with the party guests, but I’m sure if Emily Post had an article about this, your mother knows what it said. Oh, Babette has Paul Anka, she said don’t worry about that one at all. And now, I’m going to go see if I can find something resembling coffee around here, I promise I’ll be back soon. If the doctor comes out, go ahead and go in with him if they’ll let you, I’ll find you.” He kissed the crown of her head and walked off in search of something useful to do so he wouldn’t lose his mind just sitting around waiting for word.


	2. Chapter 2

“Ms. Gilmore?” A kind woman in scrubs came out into the waiting area around 9:00 that evening. At that point Richard and Emily had arrived and they all looked up at the woman as she repeated the question. After a moment Lorelai shook her head, realizing that was her- she was Ms. Gilmore. 

“Oh, yes, I’m Ms. Gilmore- Lorelai.” 

“Your daughter has regained consciousness and we were hoping you could come back and give us a hand with something?”

“What? Rory is awake? I can see her?” She stood so fast, brushing the tear streaks from her face, ready to go immediately. Chris stood at the same time, as did Logan and Richard, moving to go with her. 

“I’m sorry, I need just the mother right now- but I’ll be back in just a little bit to speak to you all.” And with that she took Lorelai behind the mysterious double doors separating them from Rory, guiding her through the halls, around gurneys and machines and water coolers. She finally stopped, pausing outside of a room, Rory was in that room. 

“Ms. Gilmore, I’m Meghan Elkins, I’m a Social Worker and a Victim’s Rights Advocate for the state of Connecticut. We have reason to believe that your daughter was sexually assaulted tonight in her apartment, but she is not responding to our questions beyond shaking her head or nodding it. This is not unusual in these cases, right now she’s having trouble processing the trauma. We asked her if she would consent to an exam to determine any injuries and allow us to collect forensic evidence of the attack and she said yes, but then she spoke and asked for you to be with her. 

“I have a female Nurse Examiner  who is going to come in and gather the evidence and perform the exam, I’ll be right there with both of you. In some ways, Ms.Gilmore, I’m not going to beat around the bush here, this is not going to be an easy examination for your daughter- we have to be extremely thorough and meticulous and I know a lot of women say it’s almost as invasive as the assault itself. We have to comb for hairs and skin cells, check under her nails, swab her orally, vaginally and analy- which is incredibly uncomfortable.” Lorelai’s eyes went wide and she snorted there,

“Uh, you think?”

“The nurse will explain everything she does before she does it, but I think it would be really helpful for Rory if you could stand next to her and hold her hand while it happens. It’s your job to remain as calm as possible so that she doesn’t panic. And she’s going to feel very uncomfortable, maybe even weirded out by some of the questions we have to ask about her current sexual activity and descriptors of her attacker, many women freak out at this point and shut down, but the information is critical.

“I’m going to warn you, Ms.Gilmore, it’s going to be shocking to see her, we couldn’t clean up the blood or anything yet, we need to gather the evidence before that can happen. I understand from the doctors that physically, she will be fine- we have to watch the swelling in her brain, she’s going to need a cast for her tibia, she needs stitches for the cuts on her head, but we think that’s the extent of her physical injuries at the moment.” Lorelai gulped, nodding at the woman as she spoke, feeling sure this wasn’t happening- it was just too much. 

“One more thing. Don’t worry about trying to cheer her or up or distract her, she only needs support right now, you just need to show her that you are here for her and love her; believe me, nothing you say in there tonight could possibly cheer her up or distract her from what happened. Do you understand?” 

“Yes, I understand. Can I please see my daughter now?” Meghan nodded and opened the door for her. 

“I’m going to go get the doctor and the Kit- we’ll be right back.” And with that she put a hand on Lorelai’s shoulder as though it would somehow give her the courage to handle what she was about to see. 

Lorelai walked into the room and her daughter was in the hospital bed, dressed in a tattered denim skirt, sneakers and a soft blue tank top with blood on it. Her hair was matted, again there seemed to be dried blood in it, Lorelai almost threw up right there as she took in the blood, the scratches and the bruises covering her daughter’s body. 

“Hey Kid.” Rory looked up at her mom, tears in her eyes- eyes that were usually sparkling, brilliant pools of blue, now they just seemed empty. “Oh, Rory, I’m so sorry.” She hurried over to Rory’s bedside, pulling up a chair and took her hands in hers, leaning in to touch their foreheads, letting them both cry while maintaining contact- contact that proved to Lorelai her baby girl was alive, but not necessarily whole. “I’m so sorry Rory, I love you so much, I’m so sorry about this.” And Rory just cried- not speaking, not wanting to speak, not sure if she could. 

Meghan came back in with Nurse Harris who began to explain the process for the exam- she instructed Rory to change into a hospital gown behind a screen, over a sheet of butcher paper to catch any trace evidence that fell. She then had Rory hand out the clothes she had been wearing for the evidence bag. She moved to the physical exam, instructing her to lay back on the exam table, taking swabs and photos when needed, explaining every single step before she did anything, waiting for Rory to nod permission for her to perform that step. When she got to the pelvic exam Rory just started sobbing and Meghan asked,

“Rory, honey, I know you don’t want to think about this, but do you remember if he used a condom?” She just cried harder and shook her head. “No he didn’t?” She shook her head and the nurse followed up, “No you don’t remember?” Rory nodded. Lorelai went even paler, if that was possible, she squeezed Rory’s hands even tighter. The nurse finished the exam, taking a cup of pills and a glass of water, handing them to Rory. “Ok, well, I’m thinking he did actually use one, but just to be on the safe side I have some pills here for you. Are you on birth control?” Rory nodded. “Ok, well that’s good, but just to be extra safe, I have the Plan B pill here you can take if you want- it’s just one pill now. It works like a very strong…” Rory didn’t even let her finish the speech and grabbed the pill and the water and swallowed it instantly. “Alright, that’s fine. Now, I also have these pills, they’re to make sure you don’t catch any kind of disease from this guy, which is incredibly unlikely, but just to be careful, you’re going to have to take them for a few days and get tested in 28 days to make sure they worked. Do you understand?” Again, she grabbed at the pills and downed them like a shot. 

“Ok, I’m going to go deliver this SAFE Kit to the Detective and order up some more tests and medications- I don’t want you to get nauseous from any of those meds. How is the pain? Your head must hurt pretty bad, huh?” Rory nodded her head, tears still streaming down her face, but she just didn’t want to talk. “Alright, I’m going to have some pain killers brought in for you. I’m going to hook you up to an IV for some fluids and such while we schedule your tests and get someone to come in and clean up these scratches and cuts, stitch a few that look deep enough to need it. Is there anything else you need right now?” She shook her head and the doctor smiled at her kindly. “I know you’re not ready to talk, but Meghan is here for you if you change your mind, alright?” Rory nodded her head and the doctor left, Meghan excused herself briefly as well and Lorelai crawled into the tiny hospital bed to hold her daughter as they cried together. 


	3. In Sickness and Health

Almost an hour and a half later, Rory had fallen asleep from the morphine and other medications- her hairline fracture of the tibia didn’t require surgery, so they had been able to put it in a cast, but they were still monitoring the swelling in her brain, hoping it went down of it’s own accord. It took all of her willpower for Lorelai to leave Rory’s side, but she needed to fill in the others outside… and Rory had asked for Logan. She tried to shake off the twinge that gave her- Rory was injured and upset and was dealing with the worst thing to ever happen to her... and she wasn't asking for her Mommy, she wanted Logan. 

When she walked through the doors everyone looked up, and it was one of the most heart-breaking scenes she’d ever witnessed- tear streaked faces, red eyes looking to her, hoping for some kind of good news. Her mother and father were holding each other- Lorelai made a mental note to check in on his heart, he was looking pallid. Chris was running his hands through his hair and pacing, completely unable to sit and Logan… Logan looked like the ghost of the charming guy she had recently learned to like… maybe even love, like a son. 

“Lorelai! How is she? What did the doctors say? What did she say, is she talking about what happened?” Chris walked straight over to her- he looked haunted. He held his arms out and rested her hands on his biceps in an almost hug, she had to be far enough to talk to him, to see his face, but she had to admit that she needed that physical connection right now. 

“She just fell asleep- they gave her a bunch of pain meds and stuff, so she got really tired.” Tears slid down her face, but she needed to keep it in control, she had to get it out. 

“Do we know-?” He looked at her very pointedly- not able to say the words, feeling choked off, but he needed to know. Logan looked up at her, the look in his eyes begging her to tell him that she hadn’t been, but she couldn’t lie. She looked right at him, feeling guilty, almost as though it was entirely her fault that it all happened, she had to be the bearer of this news.

“I’m so sorry, Logan.” And then she collapsed into Chris’ arms as she cried- she cried for herself, she cried for Rory, for Logan- how had things gotten so bad so quickly? They were supposed to be celebrating this girl's triumph over the Ivy League... maybe even an engagement... But instead they were all here. After a moment she looked over at her parents, her father looked like he was going to collapse while Emily was just in shock. And Logan just looked at her refusing to believe anything she said. 

“Can I see her? I know she’s asleep, but I just… I really need to see her.” 

“She asked for you, actually, how about I walk you back?” She tried to smile at him- not a cheery smile, but something intended to comfort him- she really didn’t think it was working though. He nodded, putting a small, blue velvet box in his pocket as he stood. 

Once they got through the doors, away from the group, he stopped her. 

“How bad is it?” 

“Physically? It could be so much worse. I think it’s more…” He nodded, swallowing hard and she looked away, not believing she'd really be able to handle the look on his face.

“Lorelai, I want you to know, this, none of it- it doesn’t change anything, for me. I mean, I don’t know about her, but it doesn’t change a thing for me- I love her, I want to marry her. This is one of those  _ in sickness and in health _ things, right? Obviously, I don't think tonight is a particularly good time to bring it all up with her, but I wanted you to know. I'm going to do whatever I can to help her through this- I don't care if I have to turn down this job or go back to my dad's company or anything, I'm going to take care of her, whatever it takes.” He managed to get an uptick on one side of her mouth, a tiny, partial smile.

“I appreciate it, really. And she’ll appreciate it- it just might take some time. She’s feeling very… well, it’s going to take time, and patience, a lot of time and patience.” She squeezed his shoulder and guided him to Rory’s room. “She’ll probably be out for a while, but she wanted to see you earlier, right before she fell asleep- she does not hold up well on Morphine, knocked her out almost instantly- I guess she really didn’t spend much of her time in college experimenting with drugs- they practically waved it in front of her and she was asleep. I guess that’s something a mom can be proud of, all of that DARE and "Just Say No" seems like it worked…I’m sorry, I know I’m rambling, and this is like the worst possible time for my mouth to get away from my brain, but I just… Logan, that’s my baby girl in there and she’s hurting, she’s been through something awful and terrible and I just- I can’t do anything to fix it and she’s scared, I know she’s scared and I don’t know how to help her move past any of this!” 

He pulled her to him, understanding that they both needed comfort right now- the woman in that hospital bed over there was the world to both of them, she was everything, and she was in pain, she was hurting and in so many ways that neither of them could possibly understand. What if they weren't able to help her through? Once their breathing calmed and her tears subsided, they pulled apart. Lorelai opened the door to her hospital room, giving him a chance to see her, and he almost forgot how to breathe.

He walked into the room, looking at the love of his life, in total disbelief at what he saw. She was black and blue all over, she had scratches down her arms, broken nails (was it normal for him to feel such a confusing mix of fear for her and pride? She was a fighter, of course she was, this was his Ace). They had stitched up a large cut in her head, cleaned up a lot of the blood that had been caked on and she seemed so small and vulnerable- but still so breathtakingly beautiful. He walked up to her and just tried to take it all in. He softly traced the cuts down her arms, he held up her hand to look at her broken nails... Almost absently he leaned over, kissing her forehead and then just sat down on the chair next to the bed, taking her hand with the broken nails in between both of his, propped up on his elbows and looking at her, almost like he was praying. 

Silently Lorelai backed away- not wanting to interrupt their moment.


	4. Statement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this is the hardest chapter of anything I've ever written- if you have don't want details of the attack you can skip the italics, but I tried to make this as non-graphic as possible while still getting the story out.

_ Knock. Knock.  _

_ Rory moved over to the door, checking through the peephole, the guy’s back was to her,  _

_ “Hello, are you Joe? For the table?”  _

_ “Yep, I’m Joe, from Craigslist!” She began unlocking all of the locks on the door. _

_ “Thank God, I was just about to have to leave here, it’s my graduation party tonight, my Grandmother is throwing it and she does not like it when the Guest of Honor is late. But my roommate asked me to do this because she had a dinner with her boyfriend’s family and this was the last piece of furniture to get rid of. I was getting nervous that I was in for a 15 minute lecture about etiquette and my social responsibility and there is nothing worse than when you expect a nice party but end up getting the insane reincarnation of Emily Pos-”  _

_ She hadn’t been paying attention as she talked, concentrating on each lock, but as soon as the door opened he came up behind her and clapped a hand to her mouth, silencing her- and that’s when she felt a knife pushing against the pulse point in her throat. She hadn’t noticed it through the peephole because his back had been to her, but he was wearing a mask over ⅔ of her face so she couldn’t make out his features- the Phantom of the Fucking Opera had a knife to her throat. _

_ “Don’t speak, don’t scream and you may just survive this.” Her eyes had gone wide with panic, she tried to struggle against him, but he was a solidly built guy- 3-4 inches taller than her, muscular, and in the moment it felt like he was literally twice her size. She tried to remember what Paris had taught her about self-defense… go for the soft bits. She tried to kick him, or stomp on his instep and then reaching back to gouge out his eyes or something, but he was much stronger than her. “Oh good, I like it when they’re feisty.”  _

_ And then she felt the sting of a slap across the face- Rory had never been slapped before, she couldn’t believe how much that hurt! She tried to hit back, but he just used the handle of his knife and hit her hard in the back of the head and she fell, hitting her head against the corner of the table she was supposed to be selling to Joe on Craigslist. _

_ Before she knew what was happening he was pushing her onto her back, with his forearm positioned against her larynx, making it difficult for her to breathe as he straddled her. He was pawing at her skirt, trying to hike it up and she was crying and thrashing against him, she started to beg him, “Please, please don’t do this! My boyfriend is going to be home any minute, if you go now then I won’t say anything.” _

_ “I don’t think so, you just look much too juicy for me to leave without sampling.” Suddenly he was ripping her panties off her and shoving his fingers inside- with absolutely no warning. “Oh, yeah, that’s pretty good, wow, you’re awfully ready for me, you dirty bitch.” He smelled of booze and weed- really bad weed, and sweat, it was like a high school locker room. _

_ Thankfully for her, he continued to put pressure on her throat, right at the larynx so it wasn’t much longer before she passed out, the first time- she remembered coming to a few times, the second time she was on her stomach, face down to the floor and felt flesh tearing, making her scream so loud from the pain and he hit her hard, telling her to shut the fuck up- and she managed to pass out again, crying, hoping he would just kill her. _

_ >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> _

She woke up in a panic- sweating, panting, her heart beating almost out of her chest, tears in her eyes. She looked around, she was in a hospital room, and right next to her was a pair of  _ very  _ worried chocolate brown eyes- God, she loved those eyes. 

“Logan! Oh my God, Logan, it was so awful, I’m so sorry. I never should have let him in, he seemed perfectly fine, I’m so sorry that I did, oh my God, Logan, please don’t hate me.” She grabbed at his lapels and pulled him to her, collapsing against him, needing his familiar frame to comfort her, help her feel safe. He was so grateful for it- he had been sitting here for two hours, all of these scenarios in his head, worried she’d never want to touch him again, be touched by him- never get to hold her again, it would be too much. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed, pulling her to him as tight as he possibly could, stroking her hair, whispering to her-

“Hey, Ace, it’s ok, don’t worry about it. You did nothing wrong.”

“I’m so sorry, Logan, I tried so hard to fight him, but he was so strong and he had a knife and I was so scared and I didn’t know what to do and please, please, please, don’t hate me!”

“No, Ace, you did great- you survived, that’s all you needed to do, ok? I mean, come on, what the fuck would I do without you? I can’t lose you, no matter what, you are the only thing that matters. You’re here right now, you are totally safe, we’re going to find this bastard, I promise. I love you.” He punctuated his statements with kisses to the top of her head as they both cried on each other’s shoulders… he had no idea how long they stayed like that, it felt like only seconds, but if they had looked at a clock they would have seen it was 20 minutes before they were interrupted by Meghan, the social worker.

She knocked on the door and stood outside the room as she asked, “May I come in?” Meghan came in, smiling softly as she handed them each a tissue, moving slowly and deliberately while keeping eye contact with Rory. “Rory, I have a Detective Noonan outside, he would like to get a statement from you. He needs you to tell him what happened- what you remember, at least. Now, you don’t have to do that tonight, it can wait until tomorrow- or even later, you don’t have to do anything–it’s completely your choice. I can say, I have found it’s usually best to do it sooner than later, helps the police move forward and dragging it out can be tough. What do you say?” 

She looked at Meghan, then at Logan, she was terrified and looked like she was about to have a full blown-panic attack. . 

“Hey, Ace, it’s totally your call- I can stay in here with you as you tell him, or I can go out and get your mom. Or if you’d rather no one be here- that’s fine too.” He swallowed at that one, he really didn’t know what he would do if she asked him to leave her right now. “Or, if you’d rather, we can deal with it tomorrow.” She was biting her bottom lip from nerves and indecision before he continued. “I will say, if you give them a statement tonight, they can start looking for the son-of-a-bitch, which will make me feel about a million times better- we can get him off the streets.” He looked over at Meghan, was he doing alright? She smiled and nodded slightly at him- he was doing just fine.

She bit her thumb nail, not something she had done since probably 2nd grade, sighing before resigning herself to it. “Fine, I can talk to him.” 

Meghan nodded her head. “I think that’s a really good step. I will bring him in, if that’s ok with you?” She nodded and Meghan left the room to get Detective Noonan. 

“Do you want me to stay here with you or leave?” She gripped his hand so tightly her skin went bright white and looked up at him.

“Please don’t leave, Logan. Please don’t go anywhere!” And she was crying and panicking all over again, he put his arms around her again. 

“You can’t get rid of me that easy, Ace. I’m right here for you. But, if it at any point you want me to leave, you don’t have to worry, just tell me and I promise I won’t be upset, ok?” Granted, promising not to be upset by it was bullshit, but he wouldn’t let her see it. She put her forehead to his again, nodding as the Detective joined them in the room. He was a loud man, reminded her of every stereotype of a wise-cracking detective- probably 6 feet and weighed 250 lbs, hideous tweed jacket that didn’t really match his wrinkled shirt and khaki pants- and he smelled like coffee and cigarettes. 

“Lorelai Leigh Gilmore?”. 

“Yes, that’s me. But people call me Rory.” Logan tensed as she tensed, forcing herself to sit up far too straight, and she sounded absolutely exhausted.

The Detective launched into a series of brusque questions, taking notes on his tiny memo pad as she answered them- did she know her attacker, did he have any identifying tattoos or features, how did he get into her apartment, was he armed, etc. Logan found himself squeezing the railing on the bed a little too tight as she answered the questions she could, his entire fist was going white from a lack of circulation, but he couldn’t let Rory see exactly how hard all of this was for him to hear- she needed him to be strong.

“Now, Ms.Gilmore, I have a few questions to ask you that are most likely going to be uncomfortable around your boyfriend, perhaps you would like to speak more privately?” He raised his eyebrows like he was suggesting she get rid of him so they could “clear this all up”. Logan wanted to stand up and punch the guy right in the face, Rory clutched at his arm, silently begging him to stay. 

“I don’t have anything to hide from him, ask away.” There was almost a trace of his girl there, she was angry at him for implying something and she shot back. The detective just shrugged, unimpressed. 

“You’re call. So, Ms. Gilmore, may I ask how many sexual partners you have had in the last 12 months?” 

“Just one, I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for 2 ½ years.”

“Including oral, anal and digital play?” She turned bright red and Logan wanted to punch the fucker in his face- how dare he question her fidelity? And so crudely.

“Umm, yes,  _ completely  _ monogamous.”

“And how many sexual partners have you had in total? Again, please include oral, anal and digital play.”

“Is that really a relevant question?” Logan stood up, flexing a fist, how could that question possibly be helpful?

“Sir, we just have to assess what we’re up against in reporting this crime and attempting to charge someone- we need to have a full understanding of the situation and the accuser.”

“The accuser? Don’t you mean the  _ victim _ ?”

“Please allow me to do my job, sir.”

“Oh, believe me, I’m crossing my fingers that you actually  _ start  _ doing your job, instead of standing here and obliquely accusing my girlfriend of being a slut or that she asked to be raped!”

And then it was out there, that was the first time anyone had actually used that word- they’d been dancing around it, using euphemisms, hinting, avoiding, circling around it, but that was the first time he’d even used it in his own head.

“Logan, please, let him ask me questions- I swear, I don’t have anything to hide from anyone.” That was so like her- trusting and open- how could she still be that way? Then she looked at the Detective. “To answer your question, I’ve had exactly 4 partners, I can give you their names and phone numbers if necessary, but none of them, aside from Logan, have been in the picture in the last 2 ½ years.”

“And can you describe the alleged assault?” Logan stood, his hackles up at the use of the term “alleged assault”, but Rory held him back. She began to explain that she was waiting for someone who responded to a Craigslist ad, she worried he was standing her up and she would be late to her own graduation party, then the attack… and he tried to keep it together, he honestly did, he was holding her hand, he was trying to breathe deeply, but as she talked about the man crushing her larynx and her passing out, he felt nauseous and had to take in a sharp breath- which caught her notice and started her sobbing again. 

“I’m so sorry, Logan, I didn’t mean for anything to happen, please don’t hate me- I tried so hard to fight him, I promise! He just was really strong and I kind of just froze, and he had a knife...” And she quickly felt herself approaching levels of panic even she didn’t recognize- she was hyperventilating and unable to speak. Logan tried to get her to look into his eyes, hands cupping her face, trying to soothe her, but she was turning bright red and  the cop pushed a button. Almost immediately a doctor came in, walking up to her IV, grabbing a syringe out of the cabinet it was on and injected something into her tubes as he spoke calmly, 

“It’s alright, Ma’am, you can breathe, just remember, in and out, nice and slow, you’re going to be ok.” Within seconds she was calming down, breathing more regularly, the tension flowing out of her body. Logan looked down at her, trying to stay as visibly calm as possible, holding her hand. Meanwhile Detective Dickwad was standing by the door, arms crossed and he looked… well, he looked bored and somewhat impatient. 

“Alright Miss Gilmore, if we could please continue?” Logan’s eyes widened with surprise and anger and he wanted to stop the interview but Rory held him back- begging him with her look to stay calm and just let her get this over with. He hesitated and then nodded, kissing her forehead. 

“Alright then, so you said he had his arm over your larynx, it caused you to pass out, but you woke up a few times during the act?”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

“And when you woke up the first time, what was he doing?” Her eyes got wide again, her heart was racing and she looked at Logan, not sure she could say… Rory wasn’t exactly a prude, but this was not something she was particularly comfortable discussing with a doctor or her boyfriend, much less a disinterested cop intent on making her feel like a slut. “Miss Gilmore, do you remember what he was doing?” 

“Rory, it’s ok, baby, can you remember?” She was tearing up again but trying so hard not to cry as she nodded. 

“I woke up and I was on my stomach, and he was…” She was trying so hard to keep it together, but it was like she could feel it all over again, the feeling of him entering her, there. She felt the bile rise up in her throat and before she could stop it she threw up over the side of the bed, on the side Logan wasn’t on, thankfully. “Oh my God, Oh fuck, I’m so sorry… shit, that was disgusting, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened, I just…” She closed her eyes and felt the tears pouring down her face. 

The detective just stood in the doorway, asking for a nurse again, he seemed positively annoyed with her at this point, what the fuck? Why did she keep melting down every four seconds, he just wanted to get this statement so he could go home. 

“Are you saying he penetrated you vaginally from behind, or anally?” She closed her eyes, trying to breathe, desperately wishing she was anywhere but there. She  _ felt _ Logan tense next to her, she heard him grip the railing on the bed tighter and hated herself for putting him through all of this, this was so unfair to him. She tried to just nod her head in answer to the question, but he asked for clarification- “I’m sorry, which was it Miss Gilmore- was it vaginal or anal penetration.” She just whispered as quietly as she could, “Anal. But… but I don’t think it was his… I don’t think it was his penis- maybe fingers or something else? I’m not really sure.” Fuck, this was almost worse than the actual experience. “I screamed and he hit me again and I passed out pretty soon after.” Steeling herself she was determined to finish this story in one go and just be done with it. 

“I only came to one more time after that, he was shoving his penis in my mouth, or trying to, but I went to bite it and he stopped and went back to my… he got mad and went back to my vagina and hit me a few more times- that’s when he used sat back on my leg- maybe when it broke. And when he… when he was done he leaned in and kissed me, on the mouth, and it tasted like a gym sock… a gym sock soaked in cheap weed and stale beer and he said “thanks doll” and he he took a book from the table he was supposed to pick up and he hit me on the head with it. That’s it. That’s all I remember.” 

She was so grateful for the medication that had her relatively calm- she didn’t know what the hell she’d be like at this moment without massive amounts of psychopharmaceuticals coursing through her bloodstream. She couldn’t make herself look at Logan, she just didn’t think she’d be able to handle whatever look was on his face- loathing, pity, guilt, disgust… it didn’t matter, she wouldn’t be able to handle it. She would take asswipe Detective man’s glare over that any day. 

“Miss Gilmore, were you drinking at all tonight while waiting for the purchaser?”

“What? Umm, yeah, I was packing up my apartment, I opened a bottle of wine, I had a glass or two over the course of the afternoon… but I was feeling pretty nervous about the party my grandparents were throwing for me- not to mention graduation.”

“And drugs, were you using any kind of recreational drugs?”

“Umm, no. That’s really not my thing.”

“Please remember that we already have blood samples through your kit, do you use recreational drugs?”

“I do not. I’ve smoked weed like a handful of times  _ in my life _ \- twice I was in Amsterdam and it was totally legal, and I accidentally had a pot brownie one time-  _ someone’s best friend _ mislabeled the pans.” That was a story she and Logan usually liked to joke about- apparently she was absolutely hilarious when high, and her infamous Gilmore eating skills were absolutely terrifying. But right now, absolutely nothing felt funny… she kind of felt like she was never going to feel like laughing again.

“And finally, I see that you currently have a Probation Before Judgement in the state of Connecticut- looks like two years ago you stole a yacht?”

Logan stood up at that one, “Hey, that’s in the process of being expunged, and even if it wasn’t, what  _ possible _ relevance could there be to this?”

“Sir, I don’t think you understand the process here, it’s my job to present a full and complete case to the Prosecutor and that means investigating every angle.”

“You know what, you have enough information, we’re done here.”

“Logan, it’s fine.”

“No, Ace, it isn’t fine.” He looked at the Detective who just shrugged his shoulders.

“Well, Miss Gilmore, I think I do have enough information for now, I’ll leave my card with your friend here and if you think of anything else, you can give me a call.” And with that he was out of the room- Logan hot on his heels. The second they were out of earshot of her room, Logan exploded.

“Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell was that? Rory is the most faithful, least dramatic person I’ve ever known- she’s not someone who can lie about whether she actually likes a present or a dish at a restaurant, much less something like this! She was attacked today, she’s in pain, she’s been through the worst thing a person can go through and instead of asking questions to help you find the fucker who did it, you’re grilling her on her sexual history, whether she was drunk or high at the time and if she fought back enough? It’s like you’re trying to find a way to make this her fault! Un-fucking-believable!”

“Look kid, it’s just a fact that the majority of these cases are a matter of things getting out of hand- she said yes, yes, yes and he gets rough and she’s trying to cover her tracks- a bit of buyer’s remorse. I’m not saying that’s what happened here, she looks genuinely beat up and upset, but we have to think about these things, determine if there is enough of a case to continue investigating.” Logan didn’t think he had ever been so angry in his entire life- he suddenly understood how someone could actually kill someone else, right now he thought he could easily choke the life out of this guy.

But that wasn’t going to be productive- he needed to try and stay calm, he needed to leave the room and get some air before he did something he just couldn’t come back from that would upset Rory even more. He stormed past the asshole, going out to the waiting room, not sure what to tell the people out there, if he mentioned the questions to Richard or Christopher, there really would be violence- not to mention the possibility of it ever getting back to Luke or any of those protective but certifiable nutjobs in Stars Hollow… or the Life and Death Brigade members… things would get out of control fast. So he just kept walking past them, seeing red in front of him, he needed to get some air outside and if he stopped right now to talk to them, it was going to get ugly. He didn’t even hear Christopher calling out his name, telling him to slow down, asking what happened. 

He got all the way outside and was standing in a parking lot and just needed to hit something. He looked around for something, anything he could punch and saw a tree 20 feet away. Without stopping to think about it, he ran up to the tree and punched it as hard as he could.


	5. Chapter 5

“Logan, hey man! Whoa!” Logan turned on Chris who had followed him outside and the look in his eyes told Christopher not to intervene at the moment. Logan turned back and just punched the tree a few more times, knowing it was going to hurt like hell in a few minutes, but in that moment it actually helped his anger. He was breathing heavy as he doubled over for a moment before looking up into the face of Rory’s dad- a guy he didn’t know particularly well, but liked. A guy who looked almost as torn up right now as he felt.

“I’m sorry, I just… that detective is one giant dick, he was asking all of these questions, and it was bad enough sitting there and listening to Rory’s answers, but then he’s talking about “buyer’s remorse” and treating her like she’s a whore who was asking for this or this is a cover up for her having an affair or… And I swear, all I could think about was how much I wanted to choke the life out the cop, out of the guy who did this… And she’s in there and she’s sobbing and apologizing. She was frantically begging me to forgive her for what happened. She can't even look me in the face about some of it, she just… I just... I don't know what the fuck to do right now! I'm just so fucking angry and the person who's supposed to actually fucking help us, he's acting like she's a half-baked drunk who didn't fight enough.”

"Whoa, did he say that?" 

He looked up at Chris whose expression probably mimicked Logan’s right there- full of rage, indignation and grief over what his daughter had gone through. Then Chris swore under his breath, trying to collect himself- he knew he had to pick his battles right now, if one of them truly lost it, keeping it together at all was going to be practically impossible.

Chris put a hand on Logan's shoulder, and it was reassuring as the tears really started streaming down his face- Chris would never figure out where all of his emotional strength seemed to be coming from, but he wasn’t going to question it too much, right now people needed him.

There was a bench a few steps away and they both moved over to take a seat, trying to regain control over their emotions. It was a nice night out, clear with a slight breeze to help with the higher than usual temperatures for mid-May. It was New Haven, so it was difficult to see many stars, but you could hear some birds chirping a bit away and it was peaceful- much too peaceful for the day they had- their world had been turned upside down but the earth just kept spinning like usual and it felt so fucked up and wrong. Logan put his fists in his pockets, trying to find that tissue he’d had earlier and felt the tiny box he had been stowing there. He pulled it out to look at it- not opening it to look at the ring, just looking at the box, thinking about how he had planned the night to go. 

“I was going to propose tonight.” That was  _ not _ what Chris expected to hear right there, at this moment. He looked down and yeah, there was a ring box. Wow. That was an engagement ring intended for his daughter. How did he get this old?

“Wow.” What else could Chris say about it?

“Yeah, I talked to Lorelai about it a few days ago, I don't know if she told you- I don’t know if you’ve had a chance to talk to her since then… I got a job, in California. I found a house nearby the office- there’s an avocado tree in the backyard, Rory loves guacamole... really everything with avocados, she puts them on salads, on sandwiches, she grills them... it's crazy. I made some calls to the Chronicle, trying to get her an interview, hoping I still have a little pull in the industry, not everyone knows what happened with my dad…But tonight, with you guys there, I was going to propose and then there was a horse drawn carriage outside, which I know is pretty cheesy, but I don’t know, it sounded like a good idea at the time and now I’m saying it all out loud, to you, I'm thinking it was pretty lame. I thought she’d want you and Lorelai and Richard and Emily there, but now I’m realizing she’d actually hate that, huh?” His smile was grim, he wasn’t really asking Chris in search of answers, just thinking out loud. 

“Did you ever hear the story about when I proposed to Lorelai the first time?”

“No, I don’t think I did.”

“She had just had Rory, we were at the hospital, looking at this tiny little human being in a pink hat… I didn’t know that babies came with hats, that's not something people tell you- you have a baby, they get a hat. It was crazy- two dozen babies, right there in their little cribs and every single one of them had a blue or a pink hat. It's the day after, I guess- can you believe I didn't even skip school that day? That's what an idiot I was back then, so we’re looking through the glass at this beautiful little baby and I just said, ‘well, I guess we should get married now.’ And she slapped me.” Chris was smiling as he remembered the story, Logan huffed out a laugh at the image, because it was so easy to see Lorelai doing that. “I think all in all I probably proposed to Lorelai six or seven times since then. So...  Did Lorelai give you shit about you two being young and Rory just having finished school?”

“I didn't know that was a concern of hers... She actually didn’t really say much. Basically, ‘that’s between you and Rory’. Which, I appreciated.”

“Well, just so you know, she’s probably worried about you two being awfully young- I’ve known her a long time, she’s probably spent all week freaking out about it- she's the love of my life, but I know she's going to struggle to let go of Rory- nothing to do with you, man. But come on, I fell for  _ her  _ at 15 and haven’t stopped loving her since then. So... who am I to say? Can I see the ring?” He motioned to the box Logan was holding. 

“Yeah, it’s something I saw in San Francisco last week- I didn’t even know I was going to propose, that it was what I wanted to do... but I saw it and it just kind of…”

“Clicked?”

“Yeah, I just knew. I was standing on the sidewalk, I saw a jewelry store and I had been thinking about Rory moving out to California with me and I just saw it all of a sudden. So I went in, I saw this ring and I just knew it was exactly what I wanted. Then, to top it off, it didn’t even freak me out, it just made me happy- I actually started daydreaming about a house, a dog... maybe even kids- don't worry, not anytime in the immediate future.” Chris held his hands up, just shaking his head- _fuck_ , proposal he could probably wrap his head around, kids was a different thing entirely. But he didn't know what to say, just opened the box and took out the ring- not that he had much of an idea what Rory would want, but it seemed like the kind of ring he would have picked out for Lorelai, so it was probably just right. 

“I’m sorry, should I have talked to you? I mean, I wasn’t really sure what your relationship with Lorelai is like right now, and you and I don’t know each other all that well so I kind of thought… wow, now I’m really feeling like I screwed up _everything_ to do with this.”

“Nah, Lorelai was the right call- I’m Rory’s dad, and I love her, but Lorelai is the one who gets pretty much all the credit for raising her, and especially all the respect. Although, if it matters, if you did ask- especially after everything I’ve seen from you lately- when Richard was in the hospital, and then tonight… I’d give you my blessing.” Logan nodded in acknowledgement but didn’t smile. 

“I appreciate that. But I think that for now I’m just going to focus on Rory getting through this. I think we're a ways off from a proposal now. Did the doctors indicate how long they want to keep her here?”

“No word. God, I can’t believe she’s missing her own graduation from Yale. And because of…” Chris stood up, upset, needing to pace a bit, burn off energy, he was tearing up and Logan recognized that it was time Chris got to break down a little. “God, I just… Of all the things I have obsessed over as a parent, the things I’ve worried about happening to her… this _never_ entered my mind. I worried about her getting her heart broken, about drugs, teen pregnancy was always something I freaked out about in my head.” Logan nodded, that made sense. “This last year I worried about her finding a job after graduation, being able to make a living… I set up a trust fund for her, she doesn’t know about it yet, she's going to hate it and probably never touch it. I just feel pretty bad that I was such a deadbeat for so many years, all I’ve ever paid for was two years of Yale.”

“Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself, she loves you so much- she talks about you all the time. And she says her sister, Gigi, is absolutely amazing, which from what I hear is all you, man.”

“My daughter is probably one of the most generous people on the planet, she has a hard time seeing any bad in people.”

“Yeah, it’s amazing, isn’t it? Just a few weeks ago I made this really idiot decision at work, lost a lot of money and didn’t handle it well. My instinct was to drink and take off for a few days in Vegas with some friends instead of dealing with it. When I finally got my head out of my ass, found her, apologized to her and decided to break away from my family… Not only did she pretty much instantly forgive me, she told me she was proud of me. I'll never forget that about her... even if she didn't share the German chocolate cake she was eating at the time.”

“Oh, no chance that was going to happen, it wouldn't have mattered if you two were in perfect shape as a couple." They both chuckled, it was so true- getting a bite of cake just didn't happen when dating a Gilmore Girl. "You know, I used to be in and out of her life, here for a few days, then gone for months at a time. Every time I showed up though, she would smile and get so excited. I would honestly understand if she hated me, I earned it, but she doesn’t. Every time I screw up, she finds something good to focus on instead. And just like her love for obscure Russian authors and her childhood crush on Ken Burns, she did _not_ get that quality from me or Lorelai- that’s all her.”

Chris sighed, thinking about his little girl, when she was 10 and gave up on riding a bike after her third fall... or in her white dress at that damn debutante ball... he closed the ring box and handed it back to Logan. 

“Keep that safe, she’s a strong woman- she’s a Lorelai Gilmore after all. She’ll get through this and you’re going to want that once she does.” He clapped Logan’s shoulder one more time and they both stood to go back in. “Now let’s go see if we can find a cute nurse to take a look at your hand, don’t worry, we’ll make up a good story to explain what happened- I just need you to be my wingman while I try to get her number.” He winked at Logan and they headed inside. 


	6. Chapter 6

They walked back to the waiting room, feeling just a bit lighter than he had before, definitely calmer, and Logan was thinking about trying to find some coffee… it was about 1 in the morning and he was really starting to feel it, but there wasn’t a chance in hell he was leaving the hospital while Rory was in it. Maybe he could get a little sleep while he waited, but then he walked into the room to see Lorelai, Emily and Richard deep in conversation with a doctor, looking worried. Lorelai was crying and Emily was holding on to Richard, trying to keep herself upright. Logan looked at Chris and they both hurried over. 

“What’s going on? Is something wrong with Rory?” Chris was right next to the doctor in an instant, his arm around Lorelai’s waist.

The doctor looked at them, Lorelai nodded that it was ok to fill them in. 

“About 20 minutes ago Miss Gilmore began seizing, when that was in control she fell into a coma. We ordered a CT scan and we’re waiting for the results, but my best guess, and something we thought was a possibility, is that she has an acute subdural hematoma. Basically that’s a blood blister causing compression of the brain and increased pressure against her skull.  _ If _ that is the case, we to need to get her into surgery so we can evacuate. Depending on how that goes, we may choose to keep her in a medically-induced coma for a few days and give her brain plenty of time to heal itself. But need her medical proxy to sign an authorization as soon as…” The doctor was distracted as a tech brought him a folder with what looked like x-ray film and lab tests; he shuffled through them all, pausing to examine a few slides and review a slip of paper with unintelligible gibberish on it before nodding and turning to the Tech, exchanging it for a clipboard stacked with forms of some kind.

“Alright, thank you, call Munez and let him know we’re coming up, ok?” The tech nodded and left, Dr. Marcus turned back to the group. “Alright, that was pretty much what I expected to see. The good news is that the scan shows it’s fairly small, the hematoma, we should be able to alleviate pretty quickly. So, let’s see, who is her proxy?” He looked through another folder, scouring the pages. Lorelai was already going to take the clipboard when the doctor said, “Ah, yes, Mr. Huntzberger, I assume this is still valid?” Lorelai looked over at him, shocked. She was Rory’s mother, why the fuck was Logan being mentioned?

Logan looked just as shocked, he had no idea what to say. “Are you sure? I mean, her mom is right here, she should be the one who…”

“Our records show a letter of authorization here for Logan Huntzberger. Signed 8 months ago? It looks like she was in here for an outpatient procedure involving anesthesia and since she had never been under before they recommended a healthcare proxy just in case there were any complications and she assigned it to Logan Huntzberger- there’s no condition attached to it indicating it should be void at this point. Is that going to be a problem?” He looked around, more than a little confused by the dynamic.

“I don’t understand, what ‘procedure’ did Rory have 8 months ago?” She looked at Logan with an expression he truly did not understand- anger? No, probably just fear, right? Logan was trying to remember the details about what happened, she had acted like it was a nothing- he had to admit that he hadn’t really thought about it- it wasn’t a big deal, right? 

“Umm, she had been having some issues, some pain and she had a um, a cyst, I guess? It was a pretty big one, apparently, they just needed to go in and remove it laparoscopically. She was in and out in like 2 hours.”

“Why wouldn’t she tell me about it?” Lorelai looked so hurt, like her daughter not telling her about this was like finding out she had a secret grandchild.

“I’m not sure, I mean, she only told me about it the day of because Paris was supposed to drive her but couldn’t at the last minute…” What was he supposed to say? He understood that the two of them are really close, but he wasn’t really sure what the protocol was on sharing information on one’s gynecologic health between mom and daughter. Rory had been absolutely mortified to ask him for his help and he had to admit that, being a typical guy, all he really knew was the barest of bare bones information- once she said words like “cramps” and “tampons” he was out. Supportive, happy to take her and hold her hand in the pre-op area, but he hadn’t pushed for details once she said for the 10th time it was fine, a really common procedure.

“Well, regardless the circumstances, normally it would be next of kin that authorizes surgery when the patient is unconscious, but since we have this on file, with no limitations or restrictions, Mr. Huntzberger is the one who should sign.” He handed Logan the clipboard with a stack of forms, motioning for him to sit so he could walk through them. Logan, for his part, was completely dazed, unsure what the hell was happening, feeling a bit  _ through the looking glass _ . 

“Now, I explained to you what a subdural hematoma is- essentially it’s a rupturing of blood vessels in the brain But what you need to know is how we can fix it. The bruise we’re seeing is in the very back of her head, so we don’t have shave all of her head, just a small portion in the back. Then we’ll drill two small holes into the skull,” Logan barely noticed that Lorelai looked ill at that and Emily had to go sit somewhere else as she cried- whether it was about the procedure or the idea of any of Rory’s chestnut locks being ruined, Logan didn’t know. “Then we’ll insert a small rubber catheter to suction out the blood. There is a chance that won’t be sufficient and we would have to then shave a little more of her hair and remove a small portion of her skull to alleviate pressure, don’t worry- we put it back, but I really don’t think we need to worry about that.” Logan’s mind was racing- bruising, ruptured blood vessels, drilling holes in her skull and hoping they wouldn’t have to remove part of it? Oh, but no worries, they would put it back! He had to really stop and make himself listen to the doctor.

“Now, Miss Gilmore is young and incredibly healthy, she has no serious medical issues or allergies, I have no reason to believe this surgery won’t be entirely successful. However, I’m required to inform you that in patients under the age of 40, this procedure has a 2.3% mortality rate and that 1 in 14 people develop a longer term seizure disorder afterwards. There is a medication we’re going to give her to prevent that, it’s  _ very _ effective and as she has no history of neurologic problems, I do not expect complications. There is, of course, always the risk when going under general anesthesia, but we have one of the best anesthesiologists on the East Coast here, the neurosurgery team here is one of the best in the world, seriously, I have every confidence in their capabilities. Now, do you have any questions for me?”

_ Yeah, how the hell did I go from playing pool with Colin and Finn and coffee with Honor to having to make a decision about Rory getting brain surgery that kills 2.3% of people who have it???  _

“Umm, I assume there is no other treatment for this? And it needs to be done immediately?”

“Normally I might suggest we wait overnight at least to see if surgery is truly necessary, but due to the sudden onset of seizures and the coma, I’m concerned it’s going to get worse and not better--  so the longer we wait, the more likely it is that we have to do a much more invasive and risky craniotomy.” 

“And what’s the recovery period like?”

“She’ll be in the ICU for one or two days post-surgery- surgery on the brain is something we take very seriously- there is a very slight risk for things like meningitis or aneurysms that we want to keep an eye on. After a few days, if everything looks okay, we’ll move her out of ICU but keep her under observation for another few days; we need to scan her at least every 24 hours to ensure there is no recurrence and monitor any other potential issues. She’ll likely complain of a bad headache off and on for a few days, but we can help with the pain. She may have some vision issues for a few days, just a little blurriness, that goes away after a day or two.”

Logan looked over the papers, feeling incredibly overwhelmed. He looked up at Chris and Lorelai, the people who really should be making this decision- desperately wishing one of them would weigh in- but they stayed quiet, how could they stay quiet? This was  _ their  _ daughter! He broke down and asked, 

“Chris? Lorelai? Any objections?” They both shook their heads and Logan flipped through the forms, signing where required with a noticeably shaky hand- hopefully the surgeon was considerably less nervous than him. He checked that every form was signed and handed them back to the doctor. “How long will the operation take?”

“Including prep, surgery and post-op procedures, a few hours. Now would actually be a really good time for you to leave the hospital. Go, catch some sleep, change your clothes, get something to eat- this won’t instantly bring her out of the coma, best case scenarios, she wakes up in 12 hours or so- it could be days, we have absolutely no way of knowing. But, she’s been through a lot, she is going to need you all to take care of yourselves so that when she needs you in a big way, you are up to it.”  He just shook Logan’s hand and went to organize the procedure, leaving everyone in the waiting area, silent and exhausted. 


	7. Big Sister, Little Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan finally gets to break down and have someone take care of him.

“Honor? Please tell me you’re home- but if you aren’t, I don’t care, I’m borrowing your shower either way.” Logan used his key to let himself into his sister’s house, he had texted to let her know he was coming by for a bit. Not surprisingly his sister came running towards the door, her smile big on her face, throwing herself into his arms, hugging him.

“Little brother! Oh, I should hate you and not let you in- you are the absolute worst! You couldn’t even text me a “she said yes” message Friday night? What the hell is wrong with you? I was on pins and needles!” She playfully slapped at his chest. Laughing. “Finn and Colin are mad too, but they figured you two had other things keeping you occupied… And by the way, if that’s what it was, eeew- please don’t tell me about it.” That was when she finally looked at him, quickly moving into a look of puzzlement.

His hair was a total mess and completely devoid of product- had she ever seen it devoid of product other than first thing in the morning? Not to mention he had a bit more than just a 5:00 shadow going on and it looked like he was in the same clothes from when the had coffee on Friday… It was Sunday. He had bags under his eyes, which were bloodshot, and he looked like he was seconds away from just collapsing on her floor. She put an arm around him and moved him into the kitchen to pour him a cup of coffee, seating him at the island in the center of the room. 

“She  did say yes, right? There’s no way she didn’t say yes- she wouldn’t? Did she? If she did, I just… I don’t know what to say- I never would have pegged her for that- she seemed so right, she loves you so much- what can she possibly be thinking?” Logan took a huge drink of the coffee she handed him- he usually liked a hit of cream in it, but right now he’d happily drink it black, he felt like his soul was just weary, he was having a hard time even focusing on what she was saying. 

“Honor- stop! She didn’t turn me down, I didn’t ask her yet.” Honor put down her coffee mug and came to sit next to him, taking his hand and pulling him to look her in the eyes- and saw tears pooling in his. 

“What? I know how excited you were, how much you love her, did you lose your nerve? Logan, what happened?” And 25 years of him being her little brother did not prepare her for the way he started to cry, breathing heavy, shaking just a little- despite how he struggled to keep himself together.

“Rory didn’t make it the party on Friday night. We were all there and her mom got a call from her dad that she had been found in her apartment. Someone broke in and attacked her and… It was bad… it was really bad… I’ve been at New Haven General ever since I got that call. This is the first time I’ve left that building in two days… I’ve been dealing with police, with doctors, she had to have brain surgery and I’m apparently still her healthcare proxy because of a stupid clerical thing, which I think her mom is really upset about, and she’s in a coma. 

“And I had to sit there and listen as this fucking cop was practically interrogating her, while she just… she just fell apart…And she kept  _ apologizing _ to me! They think she’s going to be fine at least, physically she should be fine… but she’s just… The things that he did to her… I was trying so hard to sit there and be there for her but… I don’t know what the fuck to do!”

“Oh, little brother, I’m so sorry- I’m sorry for you, and for Rory. And I’m here for you, both of you, for her family, wherever. Whenever. Got it?” He nodded his head, appreciating the gesture.    


“Ok, first thing’s first- Rory. Is she going to be ok? Does she need anything- is there anything I can do to help?” He took another big gulp of coffee.

“We think it will be ok, the surgery seems to have gone well; she could wake up anytime now and I somehow managed to get her grandparents and her parents to each go grab a few hours of sleep and a shower, today they ganged up on me and told me to do the same- so here I am. Do I still have some stuff here in the guest room?”

“Most likely. If not, I’m sure we can find something for you in Josh’s closet. Why don’t you go on up and grab a shower and I’ll bring you some scotch? We’ll talk for a few more minutes and you can get some sleep. Oh, and just in case you’re confused and think that was me asking for your permission, it wasn’t. Go.” She pushed him out of the room and he acquiesced, he really was feeling disgusting and just the thought of a hot shower sounded Nirvana-like. He was so focused on that and getting some sleep that he didn’t notice that Honor had gone straight to her phone and started texting furiously. 

10 minutes later Logan was out of the shower and wearing a pair of sweats and a Yale t-shirt, sipping the scotch Honor had brought him. They were sitting on the guest bed and he had to admit that he was actually really looking forward to crashing and getting some sleep that didn’t involve propping himself up against the wall in the waiting room.

“Logan, you don’t have to answer this, I get that it isn’t your story to tell… but, when you say that Rory was “attacked”, are you allowed to tell me what that means? I’m not going to push or beg, I promise but…”

“It was bad, Honor. About as bad as it gets.” She changed her position on the bed so they were both leaning on the headboard, but both of her arms were around her little brother- a guy she would literally do anything to keep him from feeling what he was feeling right now. They sat that way for a while, her rubbing his back, soothing him, wishing she could fix this for him.

“I know it seems about as bad as it gets right now, but it gets better, I promise. This is a setback, it’s a really messy, shitty setback, but she’ll work through it and come out even stronger and more amazing- both of you will.”

“I don’t know if I believe that, Honor. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how anyone comes back from… that.” They sat like that for a few minutes, Logan desperately wishing his brain would shut up so he could finally sleep like he really wanted to- barely noticing as Honor grabbed his scotch and downed it before reaching over to the nightstand and refilling for him. 

“People come back from this Logan, and Rory is so strong and so smart and she has her mom and grandparents and friends… and she has you… She’ll be ok, I promise. I mean, I was.”

Logan honestly thought he was just about fall asleep when that sentence processed- his eyes flew open and he looked at his sister, who looked incredibly nervous, biting her bottom lip, moving her hair behind her ears, wondering if this was the right thing to do. 

“What?” He looked… well, mostly shocked, which made sense to Honor, and so sad. “What the hell, Honor?” She nodded at him. “Why the hell didn’t I know abou this? Do Mom and Dad know about this?” What was happening to his life?

“God, of course not, can you imagine? Mom would have had to go to rehab again and Dad would have probably asked what did I think was going to happen in whatever I was wearing.” 

“Oh come on, Honor, of course they wouldn’t have…”

“Whatever, I don’t want to fight about that. But I thought that maybe if you knew I had been through something similar and came out the absolutely fabulous, amazing person that I am today, maybe it would help- you, and if it would help, Rory.”

Logan looked like he wanted to say something, he kept opening his mouth and then shutting them, not sure what he wanted to say, what he should say- should he push for the story? Should he ask how she was doing these days?

“Does… does Josh know? Did it happen- were you with Josh when it happened?”

“Yes, Josh knows, but no, it happened about 4 or 5 months before I met Josh. It was during my Sophomore year of college, during Spring Break when I was home. I went out for a night after fighting with Mom about “settling down” and all of that, I went to a bar with a fake ID and someone slipped something in my drink. Lucky for me, I don’t remember most of what happened, I just woke up the next morning in a shitty frat house, I stumbled out and was trying to figure out where my car was… It was absolutely awful.”

Logan just looked at his big sister, the girl who for his entire life had been one of his best friends- she was the happiest person- loved a good party, but she was also incredibly smart and so sweet- she used to bring little presents to Logan after he would get yelled at by Mitchum for screwing up- candy, when he was little, booze or video games or something as he got older. To know that she had… wow.

“Honor, I’m so sorry. I just- wow, I’m so sorry you went through that.”

“Thanks, I appreciate that. But seriously, I didn’t tell you for pity, but because I need you to know that I’m there for you two. And I’m not the only one. Like I said earlier, I know that it isn’t my story to tell, but I called and asked Finn to come over.”

“Finn? I’m going through this and you suggest I look to Finn to help me emotionally?”

“I know, it sounds absolutely insane, but trust me on this one.”

“Honor, this is the guy who four days ago tried to talk us into playing Strip Pool- at the pool hall in downtown New Haven. I love the guy like a brother, but we don’t really do serious. The man who is trying to get Kangaroo Boxing started.”

“Have you ever wondered why he’s pretty much your one idiot friend that I put up with? That I’m actually nice to?” Logan stopped and thought about it- was that true? Wow, she would yell at Robert, she’d kicked the crap out of Colin once or twice… but Finn she actually talked to at functions, she’d invited him to her birthday party a few years… 

“Honor, I swear to God, this would be a really weird time to tell me you’re having an affair with my best friend.”

“God, no. Ugh- sorry, I have very nice things to say about that boy, but blech, that’s disgusting.” She drank another gulp of his scotch. 

“Anyways, when it all happened I was a disoriented mess, I felt sick, I was sick and sore and just an emotional wreck. I walked out of the frat house and was walking down the street, I didn’t really have any idea where I was or where I was going… I walked into a coffee shop downtown, I didn’t even order a coffee, I just sat at a table and collapsed, crying. The poor barista behind the counter probably thought I was high or something, and all of a sudden the bell rings and this loud, obnoxious Aussie comes sauntering in, loudly describing the ways he struck out the night before and for the love of God, his dad was coming to town and he was going to need one of the carafes of coffee to go. Then he saw me, in the corner, crying my eyes out, looking like I had just spent the night in the gutter.

I could only cry- and the worst part was that I didn’t even really know why. Eventually, I was able to piece together enough that I was worried something had happened the night before. I was freaking out, panicking, crying, shouting shit, fuck, fuck, shit and he just put his arms around me for a hug- and I freaked out. Like, full on panic, started to scream, my body went tense and I thought I was going to throw up. Finn honestly didn’t think twice, he pulled me onto my feet, rushed me to his car and drove like an insane person to the hospital. He suddenly became this very action-oriented guy who was calmly trying to soothe me by saying it would all be fine the entire ride to the hospital.

“I was still really groggy, not really  _ there _ , you know? Finn just took charge and bribed someone to put me at the top of the list to be seen, in a private room- no insurance. He held my hand as they asked me horrible questions I didn’t know the answer to, he even talked to me from the other side of a curtain while they did the most horrible exam of my life… And then he just took me home, gave me a big hug and just said ‘Feel better love.’

“Three days later I got a call from the hospital, they found some kind of drug in my system- one I had not put there intentionally. I broke down again, I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to tell anyone I felt so awful and gross and dirty and humiliated… so I called Finn because he already knew, and he came over immediately- he brought me ice cream and Chinese food and let me cry and yell and rant and he realized I was about to spin out- I was saying some crazy stuff, I was talking about jumping off a building or slitting my wrists… it was not good. And again, he went into this weird thoughtful, caring and calming presence, taking charge again.

“The hospital had given me some flyers and brochures- Finn had them in his car, he grabbed them and he found a Crisis Center and just like that, he packed me up in the car and took me to one. I met with a counselor, I found a support group in the area I could talk to… he even did some research and found out that Art Therapy was supposed to be really helpful in coping, something about creating something new and positive, so we went and did some horrible pottery class together one time… He really saved me. For weeks he would just call or text me once or twice a day, just to see how I was doing or tell me he loved me, or I was smart or pretty… If it was a bad day, he would visit or send gifts- like that Koala bar that used to be in my room? That was for when I needed him but he wasn’t able to come over.”

Logan just sat listening to the story, he literally couldn’t come up with a response to it. He knew that Finn was actually one giant, overprotective softie, and when sobriety was absolutely necessary, he could be really together… it just wasn’t something most people knew.  

“Fuck, Honor, seriously? What? I just… why didn’t you tell me????”

“Logan, there are about 5 people in the world who know this story… it’s not something I like to share, and back then? Wow, I can’t tell you how I felt- I felt dirty and disgusting, I blamed myself for it, I was ashamed of it, I felt so stupid and miserable and just desperately wanted to forget it all ever happened… I only made it through about ½ of the exam in the hospital before breaking down and screaming for them to stop. Oh, and for the record, Finn can be downright terrifying and imposing- he managed to make Dad look like a wuss. He didn’t know what was going on- he was behind a curtain while they did most of the exam and I’m pretty sure he thought they were knifing me or something. 

“Anyways, I ended up dropping it all- the guy used a condom and I had absolutely no memory of who he was, where we met or anything else- I can’t remember a name or a face or even which frat house. I just wanted to move on, not think about it anymore and be done with all of it. Finn, on the other hand, had all of these plans to hire ex-CIA Investigators and hack into all the area security cameras, running facial recognition software- I believe there was a mention of MI-6 and maybe even the Australian Mob, which I still don’t think is a thing, by the way. But he was really there for me, he helped me find help- he even met with my counselor a few times, asking questions about how he could help me the most. He was also really amazing when I finally told Josh about it, which I only did because Josh asked if we were having an affair. But he went out with Josh once or twice, just talked him through some of it… I gotta say, I wish I had a friend good enough to set him up with, but Rory would have been the only one I would have considered…”

She looked at Logan who was pale and exhausted and upset and she really wondered if she had done the right thing.

“Logan, is it ok that I told you this? I just really wanted you to know that you are  _ not _ alone, at all. I’ve been there- I mean, I can’t say it’s exactly the same, it sounds like Rory has gone through a bit more, but you guys should know that you can move past it.” Logan grabbed her hand and held it, looking in her eyes- 

“Honor, I am so incredibly sorry you went through that- you are just the most amazing person I know and I love you so much- I kind of hate that I wasn’t there for you.”

“Logan, you had just sunk a yacht off Indonesia, you had a lot on your plate. And like I said, I just… I didn’t know how to tell anyone- I know you would have been there for me, but I’m your big sister, it’s my job to protect you from stuff, not drag you in.” Logan pulled her in for a really tight hug, marveling at his sister’s strength.

“So, we’re ok?” He nodded.

“Good, because I called Finn when you were in the shower. Not for Rory, although I think he’d be pretty amazing with her, obviously, but because  _ you _ need someone- you have me, that’s a given, but I promise, you can talk to Finn. He was around for so much of what I went through, he read books and articles on the topic and how to be supportive and to help… and on the really bad days, he can just let you talk and rant and scream and then pour you another shot and let you continue. I didn’t tell him everything, just that you were here and could use a friend,  _ sans  _ Colin. He was in Boston, God knows why, so you have time to nap and we can all talk when you wake up, ok?”

“Boston- he likes the Irish bars there, thinks it’s the best place to meet redheads.”

“Of course he does.” She rolled her eyes and smiled at him, leaning into give him another hug. “Get some sleep, I love you.” He just nodded and crashed, hard.


	8. Paris Checks In and Rory Goes To Hartford

(54 Hours _After_ )

Hello?” Logan had just stopped for coffee for the whole group and was heading back to the hospital- he felt a bit better after getting a shower and four whole hours of sleep in an actual bed. Once Rory got out of the ICU he was going to see if he could sweet talk a nurse into getting him a roll away bed for him so he could sleep in her room, it was going to be a while before he felt comfortable leaving the hospital again for longer than an hour or two.

“What the hell Huntzberger?” _Fuck, why didn’t he check the caller ID before answering._

“Paris, hello, to what do I owe the honor?"

“Hmm, let’s play a game, shall we? Imagine if you had just received a phone call from your landlord asking if the police were done with the crime scene and when would someone come by to get the rest of the things in the apartment? Or maybe you can explain to me what you would do when you made Doyle call the Crime Desk at the _Courant_ and nag the jackass working the desk to look at the Police Blotter for New Haven and you found out _two fucking days later_ that while your best friend should have been there, and I quote, ‘An unknown suspect entered the residence and physically assaulted the victim, no sign of robbery.’ I mean, is that why she wasn’t at Convocation yesterday? I assumed she was just hungover or something after a night out with your and band of dissolutes and reprobates, and then our individual colleges had ceremonies at the same time so I didn't freak out… but I’ve been calling her and it’s been going straight to voicemail and I'll tell, you it's really starting to feel like a good time to freak the hell out.

“So then I made the idiot at the Crime Desk at the _Courant_ call some buddies of his at the New Haven police to find out that my best friend in the fucking world was assaulted and is now listed as ‘critical but stable’ at New Haven General… and now I just got off the phone with the most incompetent nursing staff I think I’ve ever experienced who absolutely refuse to give me any answers as to what the fuck happened, only to speak to her almost equally bumbling boyfriend who couldn't be bothered to pick up the goddamned phone!”

“You know what Paris? I’m really sorry that you found out that way, and maybe I should have called you, if for no other reason you were on the lease- but if you can believe it, you haven’t even cracked my Top 10 Things I’m Worried About list recently. In fact, if not for you, Rory wouldn’t have even been in that apartment, she would have been in _my_ apartment- with a doorman, she _definitely_ wouldn’t have been waiting for some stranger from Craigslist to come and pick up a goddamn table for $15. So then, she wouldn't have had to deal with a guy who used that to get into the apartment and almost kill her. So why don’t you just get on that goddamn plane to India and have your vacation and when Rory comes out of a fucking coma, I’ll tell her to call you.” He was breathing so hard it was like he had just run a marathon. He was back at the hospital and pulled into a parking space as he ripped into Paris, getting a few really awful thoughts off his chest- overly harsh and terrible thoughts, but she just had a way of pushing his buttons and it was tough on him on the best of days- he just had no ability to put up with right now, even if it made him a dick.

They were both silent for a minute as remorse washed over him, because yeah, he had been a dick. And no, it wasn't fair to her.

“Shit, Paris, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said any of that, I’m just… you have to understand I’ve barely slept in more than 48 hours. I’m tired and I'm angry and I'm scared as hell, so I lashed out and I’m really sorry.” And then he heard the muffled sobs coming from the other end of the phone. “Seriously, Paris, I didn’t mean any of that, I’m just upset. Rory is going to be ok- she had to have some kind of procedure early Saturday morning to drain some blood from the brain, she’s been unconscious since then, but they think she’ll wake up anytime now and it's going to be fine- the trephination worked, they didn't have to really crack the skull open or anything. It's actually good news."  


“Well, we were on our way-  but we can go to India some other time, I should be there for her. You’re right, it is my fault- I shouldn’t have left her alone there with all the Craigslist stuff, it’s just that I was so anxious to move into the new place that I didn’t stop and think, and I should have thought. I shouldn’t have put anything on Craigslist and made her deal with it, I mean, I’ve got Krav Maga training and can defend myself, but she’s like this tiny little fragile doll… I'm so selfish, and she's the least selfish person I know. I mean, of course she was going to be totally fine with doing it, because she'd do anything for anyone- she's always bent over backwards for me and this is how I repay her. God, I can’t believe I did that!”

“No, Paris, that isn't true at all. I mean, yes, Rory would do just about anything for people she loves, and that includes you. Which is why you guys need to go to India. I swear, there is nothing you can do right now, there isn’t anything any of us can do right now. But she’s got her mom and dad, her grandparents, me, she'll be fine. I swear that I will keep you posted on her progress while you're gone.”

“I should be there, I should be by her side, with Lorelai too…” Yeah, Logan was pretty sure that the last thing Rory and Lorelai (not to mention the others camped out in the waiting area) needed was Paris and her certain level of over-protective bitchy insanity.

“Come on, she’d be so pissed if you canceled your trip to India, you know how jealous she was of you being able to do it- she's really counting on your pictures and stories of the Taj Mahal.” Logan tried hard not to think about the fact that he’d been kicking around the idea of whisking her away to Thailand or Fiji or something for a week or two this summer- celebrate the graduation and the engagement. “You know she wouldn’t be ok with you giving it up, so go and have an amazing time, I’ll keep you posted on her condition, I promise.”

“I guess…” Oh thank God. “But I swear to God, if you don’t text me every day with updates, I will come home and make sure _you’re_ in the hospital for the rest of the summer.”

“Ok, I’ve been duly warned.”

“Alright then, well, I guess I should get going, they’re about to start boarding the plane and I need to talk to the flight attendants about my seat.”

“Sounds good. Have a safe flight. And hey, Paris, I really am sorry for taking out my frustration on you, yelling- I really didn’t mean it, I’m just upset.”

“Yeah, thanks Huntzberger. And do me a favor? Give her a hug from me.”

“You got it.” And with that he hung up- how had that somehow ended up being one of the more pleasant conversations he had ever had with that girl? He had to admit that while her's and Rory's entire relationship was a constant enigma to him, he really did love how much she cared about Rory and he _had_ been somewhat comforted about her living in that building because someone would have to be certifiably insane to try something if Paris was around. He just shook his head as his phone rang again,

“Paris, I swear, I promised you that I would update you when there _are_ updates to give.”

“Logan- it’s Chris. She’s awake, get your ass over her, she’s asking for you.”

“In the parking lot, I’ll be right there!” He hung up and started running towards the entrance, forgetting that he had two trays of coffee sitting on the roof of his car- screw it, he’d send someone else out to get them, she was awake and wanted to see him!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Tuesday afternoon (84 hours _after_ )

“Hey Kid, how are you doing today?” Lorelai walked into the room for her afternoon visit- Logan and Chris were playing backgammon while Rory tried to focus on the tv show in the corner- was it one of those awful daytime judge shows? Wow, it must be slim pickings.

“Oh you know, holding court, entertaining my fellas… Not at all sick of being cooped up in this tiny room that smells like iodine and rubber gloves.”

“Oh, now, I think you’re leaving out the magical scent of stale, disgusting, industrial coffee that really ties the whole bouquet together.”

Lorelai looked over at Logan and Chris, asking them something silently- they both shook their heads. Apparently they hadn't told her the latest.

“Well, then I think I have good news for you- we talked to the doctor while you were getting your scan this morning and it looks like you may finally be sprung from this place! Maybe even tomorrow morning- isn’t that awesome?” She looked at Rory, not sure exactly how she was going to take it- she’d been getting antsy being stuck in there, but the Social Worker had said that sometimes it can be tough to get back into the actual world… so it was a question mark.

“Oh... yeah, that’s great.” _Once more with feeling please?_

“Yeah, we thought it was exciting. I’ve been working on your room this morning, I was thinking it might finally be time to get you an actual adult-sized bed, making it easier for Logan to never leave your side for a second." Logan ducked his head, only a tiny bit embarrassed. "And I was thinking maybe we could re-decorate this summer, maybe paint it or something? And I can ask Babette if she can maybe come help out while I’m working so you’re not stuck anywhere with that cast…”

All of a sudden Rory’s eyes got big and Logan was noticing the early warning signs of a full-blown panic attack, pupils dilated, muscles rigid. He rushed to her side as she broke down into tears and started breathing fast.

“Ace, hey, it’s fine, I’m right here, you’re fine… breathe in and out, come on, slowly… take a deep breath… That's right, in and out- repeat as necessary.” He was holding her hand and rubbing her back soothingly, trying to calm her. She was crying and shaking her head…

“I can’t go back to Stars Hollow like this, I can’t… I don’t want them to see me! I can’t handle it- Miss Patty and Babette.. Oh God, Kirk, you know he’s going to ask questions and he’s going to want to sign my cast and compare my break to the time that he broke his ankle doing a Coyote Ugly dance and I don’t think I can hear that story right now… Oh God, and Taylor is going to want to do that stupid annual article about me coming home and I just can’t do it, Mom, I can’t do it right now. And what am I supposed to say to Luke? Luke is going to be so upset if he sees me like this, he's going to start fighting people, he's going to get angry, he's going to rant about Yale and everything... ” She was crying still but the breathing was starting to slow as she tried to follow Logan’s lead (Lorelai was working so hard to _not_ think about how much it looked like LaMaze techniques- one internal crisis about her daughter growing up at a time, please).  So, Lorelai just stood there, looking to Chris for help. She really hadn’t imagined for even a second that her daughter wouldn’t be coming home this summer- this was probably the last summer she got to have her at home and she’d been through so much and she just wanted her back home, in Stars Hollow, where she was safe and Lorelai was right there.

Chris looked back to his daughter, just as surprised as Lorelai- he had expected Rory to be anxious to get back to that crazy but, thankfully, very safe town- he had thought about trying to find an apartment nearby he could use over the next month or two, just to be there… or maybe even stay at the Inn- he knew he would need to spend a lot of time near her, for his own sanity.

Meanwhile, Logan was whispering something in her ear and she was nodding, the tears were slowing and she just looked up at her mom’s face with a look of shame.

“I’m sorry Mom, I just… I really do want to be home, you know I do. I just... I don’t think I can handle it- the questions, the looks, the gossip… not right now, not yet.” She was begging her mom not to push on this. Lorelai didn’t know what to say- she was dying for her baby to come home, to let her take care of her, to remove her from all of this- but if Rory didn’t think she could, she wouldn’t push.

“Oh, hey, Rory- don’t worry about it. Seriously, we'll figure something out- maybe we can get Mom and Dad to let you use the pool house again? It’s still decorated from last summer, you could spend the summer there?” Granted, Richard and Emily might be less ok with Logan practically camped out at her side... although if they were engaged, Emily would most likely throw a parade, so who knew what was going on there?

Rory was crying again, she honestly hadn’t even had the chance to think about what she might do when she got out of the hospital, but going to her grandparents again…

“Oh my God! Do they know? Do they know about this? What did you guys tell them?” The panic was back and escalating. “Fuck- did they see me like this? Did you guys let them see me?”

Logan tried to calm her and Chris moved outside to get a nurse or a doctor (still reeling at hearing Rory say 'fuck', that was a shock to his dad senses)- in the last two days they had been learning a lot about when they were able to calm Rory down and when they may want some meds to help- this one looked like it was bordering on needing meds. In the meantime, Lorelai switched to soothing tones while she spoke.

“Rory, we were all together when we got the call to come to the hospital- your grandparents were right there- I didn’t know what to do or to say, I didn't know much right there. They ended up following later, so don’t worry, they just told people at the party that there was a family emergency- some ne’er do well 2nd cousin or something.”

“But you told them what happened? You let them come and see, me like _this_?” She was despondent at that thought. “Mom, how could you let them see that? Grandpa could have had a heart attack or a stroke, why didn’t you think about that? Do they know… do they know everything?” She asked through sobs, looking meaningfully at her mom.

“They do _not_ know everything, Rory, only that someone broke in and hurt you- I swear. And they only saw you right after surgery for like 10 minutes, you were in the ICU and it was hard to get them back there, but they really needed it before they would leave. They've been wanting to come back though, every day they call me a dozen times, they want to come see you.”

“No, no, no, I can’t… Mom you can’t let them see me like this, promise me that you won’t let them come.”

“Ok, hon, I promise, I’ll let them know you aren’t up for visitors.”

“And I can’t stay in the pool house this summer. I’m sorry, I know they’d let me, but I can’t have them hovering and making me come to meals and DAR luncheons and all of that, maids switching out my Summer Whites... I just can’t deal with that right now.” Lorelai was nodding as Chris came back in with a nurse who was pushing a syringe of anxiety meds into the IV while Rory sobbed to the point that her breathing was erratic and she was coughing a little. But the meds worked fast, in a few minutes she started to calm down, these meds worked _fast-_ it wasn't long before she was and asleep. Lorelai, Chris and Logan just looked at each other, what the hell were they going to do?

“Ok, well, Stars Hollow is out, Richard and Emily Gilmore’s pool house is out- I understand that one, actually… ummm, Logan, you’re currently homeless, right?” Lorelai was trying to process everything that had just happened and come up with a solution where she just didn’t see one.

“I mean, the plan was for her to go to Stars Hollow while job hunting, I would crash with Colin for a few weeks- hopefully we’d both head to California soon. But I don’t think California is looking like a viable option right now, I just don’t think that’s going to work. I need to focus on Rory, and she needs to be around you guys, not trying to start over 3,000 miles away from home and family and friends.”

Lorelai knew she should tell him he was crazy, he had to pursue that incredible job opportunity- but she was also pretty sure Rory would go with him if he did, and she was so not ready for that, especially not after this.

“What about my place?” They both turned to look at Chris. “What? Why is that so crazy? I’ve got that house in Hartford now, it’s like 6 bedrooms, there’s a guest suite on the first floor- she wouldn’t have to deal with stairs- there’s room for you, Lore, and obviously for you, Logan- hell, even Paul Anka can join us. Gigi leaves to spend the summer in Paris in two weeks, but I could probably move that up a bit if her being around would upset Rory. Think about it, it’s a perfect, idyllic suburbia, she doesn’t have to be around people unless she wants to.”

“Chris, are you sure? That would be a lot happening- you’re used to it just being you and Gigi, do you really want to invite the whole circus over?”

“Lore, I haven’t had my daughter under my roof in her entire life, I think it’s about damn time I do- even if she comes with elephants, clowns and contortionists... actually, contortionists is interesting... Look, we both know she’s not going to let me buy her a place or rent her an apartment, nor is she going to use her trust fund that I set up for her-”

“You set her up with a trust fund, Chris? Without talking to me?”

“What? I'm sorry, I didn’t realize that I had to talk to you about giving _my_ daughter- my _adult_ daughter, money to help secure her future!”

“Umm, guys, I appreciate that this is probably a sore subject for the two of you, but maybe we can address it later?” Logan stepped in there, he knew from Rory that in the past this was the kind of conversation that would set her mom off like gas to a flame. And luckily she was adequately penitent. 

“You’re right, of course. Sorry, Logan. Sorry Chris.” Lorelai looked at Chris, “Peace?” He nodded in response.

“Ok, then, well, when she wakes up I guess we should talk to her about moving to Hartford for a bit.”

“Hey, you said that without shuddering, very good, Lore.” Chris winked at her, knowing that the idea of Rory being anywhere near Hartford was difficult to swallow, but at least she looked like she was going to go with it. “Well, the meds should have her out for at least two hours, so I feel like now is a good time to call my housekeeper, let her know to prep for company tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I should probably call Colin and Finn, I asked them to go and pick up her boxes that were still… at the apartment. They're going to take them to Stars Hollow, Lorelai, I hope that's ok.”

“Do the guys know…?”

“Same as Richard and Emily. They’re worried, they’ve been threatening to show, threatening to call private investigators, offering to stand guard outside her room... but I just don't think she's up for them. Don't get me wrong, they’re great guys, and they adore her, but they’re intense. I think she’ll feel a lot better, a lot more open to company, once she’s out of the hospital, into some of her own clothes instead of that gown, no IV drips and the chance to wash her hair.” Lorelai just nodded, looking back at Rory- so beautiful, so pale-  even though a few of the bruises were still visible and turning greenish, starting to think about fading.

“Have we heard from Detective Asshat lately?” After Logan’s rush exit on Friday night, Chris had followed him out- they’d talked. Now whenever either of the guys mentioned the cop, they both looked angry and refused to call him by his real name- neither would tell Lorelai why they hated him so much.

“No- nothing. I called yesterday and left messages, wanted to check on the status of testing the evidence.”

Logan couldn’t tell either of them about his conversation with Honor, when she had warned him that her’s took 3 ½ months to test, aside from the blood work that the hospital ran. He wished he could talk to Colin- his dad’s law firm had to have contacts they could use to get it fast tracked, he wanted it to be over, he wanted Rory to be able to put it all behind her. But she was adamant, she didn't want anyone else to know, and he wasn't ready to push on that.

Logan wasn’t new to the Justice system, his dad’s lawyers had gotten him out of so many scrapes, he’d had his fair share of days in court, but being on the other side of the equation- _wanting_ justice and finding it more and more elusive? This was the worst feeling ever.


	9. When to Wear Pajamas and Get In Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I actually found this chapter therapeutic, no matter how weird and random the thought seems.

(7 days after )

The first night Rory spent at “home” she was just exhausted from the hubbub for leaving the hospital, getting settled at her dad’s, a visit from the physical therapist to work on crutches and start to rebuild some of her muscle after almost a week in the hospital, all she wanted to do was sleep as soon as dinner was over. She didn’t bother to change out of the yoga pants and t-shirt she had come home in , they were fine to sleep in and she didn’t really feel like sorting through her boxes of clothes in the closet.

Logan came in as she was getting settled in bed, he had some antibiotics and painkillers in one hand, orange juice in the other.

“Hey Ace, you going to bed already?” He stepped in, closing the door behind him.

“Yeah, I’m pretty tired, I thought I’d put on a dvd and try to sleep. Big day, no CT scan, no needles, and I got to take a bubble bath- so pretty much the best day ever.” It sounded like things Rory would say, the right level of flippancy- but it had no lightness, no lilt to it, it was like that smile of her’s today where her lips turned up, but it didn’t reach her eyes at all- he’d seen that smile a lot today.

“Do you want to be alone, or would you like company?”

“You’re always welcome, you know that.” She did that smile thing again, it almost hurt more to see that smile than when she just sat and stared off into the room.

“I just wanted to check.” He toed off his shoes and settled in next to her, but not touching her- they were almost a foot apart. She clicked through on her laptop at the various options, looking, then rejecting choice after choice. After a couple of minutes of that Logan started making suggestions.

“What about The Simpsons , that’s always good for mostly mindless entertainment?”

“Meh, I don’t know if I want a comedy tonight.”

“Ok, so that takes out a few things… oh, hey, how about Buffy- Joss Whedon, not exactly haha funny, but also moments of poignancy and hilarious irony... British accents and Anya's recent humanity ?” Rory considered it, weighing it.

“Yeah, that would work.” She flipped through and found a good episode, one of the episodes with early Riley- she liked Spike’s adjustment to the chip and becoming a Scooby, not to mention she maintained that Anya was the best character in the show. She got under the covers, annoyed with her heavy cast yet again, Logan moved quickly to get a pillow under it, she had been told to keep it elevated.

It didn’t take long for her to start drifting off, she was much too healthy of a person, she had no tolerance for the medications and they just knocked her out. He started to get more comfortable, went to find pajamas in his stuff- he didn’t normally wear a shirt to bed, hell, he usually only wore boxers unless it was cold- but he thought maybe the more clothes the better right now, right? He didn’t want Rory to think… shit- what was he doing? Would she prefer having the bed to herself? Would she wake up in the middle of the night to him and totally freak out? The last few days in the hospital, she had distanced herself somewhat from him, physically. She still held his hand, and was mostly fine if he held her- sometimes she would even cling to him, actually, but other times she would push away or just go rigid and tense.

But if she needed him at night, he wanted to be there- she had a nightmare last night and one the afternoon before and he didn’t want her to wake up scared and crying and alone. He had no idea what to do- she was asleep, he didn’t want to wake her. Shit . He took out his phone, checking the time- it was only 9:30, she’d probably be watching a movie with Josh, it should be fine.

“Hey, Logan how are you doing? How’s Rory, is she home?”

“Do I sleep in her bed?”

“Ummm, what?”

“So, we’re back in her dad’s house, she went to bed, she was just exhausted  and fell asleep and I went to put on pajamas and crawl into bed with her, but now I’m worried that maybe she isn’t ready for that, like what if she wakes up in the middle of the night freaking out or what if in my sleep I roll over and try to hold her and that freaks her out? But it also seems weird to go ask her dad for a different room to crash in, and she gets nightmares and wakes up in a blind panic and can’t breathe. I don’t want her to have one and I’m not here… I don’t know what to do, help me!”

“Ok, calm down little brother, calm down.”

“When in the history of the world has telling someone to calm down actually worked?” He could practically hear her rolling her eyes over the phone. “What should I do?”

“You should wake her up and ask her.”

“Seriously? Doesn’t she need her sleep?”

“Yes, she does. But trust me on this one, what she needs most right now is to be in control- so you need to wake her up and ask her where she wants you to sleep, and then whatever she says, go with it. Ok?”

“Ok, I will. Thanks Honor, I love you.”

“Love you too, little brother. And hey, have you thought anymore about calling Finn? He’s worried about you both.”

“I know he is, now that I have her out of the hospital, I’m hoping I can start thinking about other things again- Colin, Finn, California… I have to figure out what I’m doing about California.”

“Did you tell them you needed some time?”

“Yeah, I told them my girlfriend just had emergency brain surgery and I needed a week or two- they were pretty cool about it, but come on- a week or two isn’t going to fix this. What do I do? It’s like my dream job , but this is my dream girl and she needs me. Should I go back to Dad? Talk to him about HPG?”

“God no! Logan, I love you so much, but if you go back there, you’re going to become a miserable son-of-a-bitch like him. Don’t worry, we’ll figure something out. But for right now just go and ask Rory where she would like you to sleep- just remember to be patient, ok?”

“Yeah, I got it. Thanks, Honor.”

“No problem. Night.”

He put his phone away and pulled on his pajama pants and walked over to the bed. He closed the computer as he picked it up and scooted over to her, shaking her shoulder gently.

“Hey, Ace?” She groaned in response and it made him smile, it didn’t matter if she had been asleep for seconds or hours, she was always the same amount of impossible to wake up. “Ace- hey, I have a quick question.” She opened one eye, giving him the patented Rory Gilmore You Woke Me Up And Now You Will Die glare- “I’m sorry, but I wanted to ask… I needed to ask you, did you-” What the hell Huntzberger, you’re not 12 , “Is it ok if I sleep in here? Or would you rather I stayed somewhere else?” She just looked at him like he had 14 heads.

“Logan, of course I want you here, don’t be stupid.” And with that she closed her eyes and was back asleep in an instant. He gave a sigh of relief and got under the covers and turned over to switch off the lamp next to the bed. As he lay down he had to fight the urge to roll over and hold her- he hadn’t really been able to do that in a week and his arms were practically itching to, but he had a feeling that she needed a bit more time- they both did. But that was ok, she was home, so to speak, she was in a bed, with him, she was safe. That would be enough for now.


	10. Worst Nightmares

(10 days  _ after _ )

“I’m telling you, I don’t know if I can dodge one more inquiry about where I am, where Rory is- I tried using the whole “Oh, she’s spending some time with her dad in Hartford” bit that we agreed on, but everyone is all “oh, come on, she can’t come back for one lunch? For one festival? So today the questions about whether we are fighting again came up. Taylor is nagging me about the article she apparently promised to write for the Gazette this summer, Miss Patty wants to know if she’s still willing to run a booth at the Summer Carnival, and Luke is complaining that he has too much coffee in inventory since neither of us have been coming in for our usual 14 cups a day.” It was the third night of everyone living at Chris’ house, Lorelai knew at some point she was going to have to go home, leaving Rory here, but that wasn’t today, it probably wouldn’t be tomorrow.

She sat on the couch as Chris brought her a glass of wine- Rory and Logan were in her room, Lorelai had just come back from the Inn and Chris thought they could both use a movie night. 

“Rory and Logan go to bed already?”

“I think so, she’s been going to sleep pretty early, I guess it’s all the meds.”

“How did she seem today?”

“What, in the two or three hours total she left her room?”

“Hey, she’ll get there, we just need to be patient.” He nodded, knowing she was right.

“What about the cops, you hear anything about the Kit from them?”

“It’s still in process. Protocols and backlogs and all kinds of mumbo jumbo.”

“How is it that we’re from two prominent Hartford families and neither of us has a connection we can exploit?”

“Yeah, I’m starting to feel like my parents were right about regretting leaving behind that life.”

They sat there, sipping their wine, music was on and they had planned to watch a movie, but neither moved to find one- this was the closest to decompression they had managed lately.

“So, Logan- I know you were late to get on board, but is Lorelai Gilmore finally on Team Logan?”

She looked up at him, considering. “I’ll admit, I was slow to warm up to him- I judged him pretty quickly. It’s possible he reminded me a bit of another rich, charming, smooth talking trouble maker I knew once.” Chris smiled at that one,

“I wish I had my shit even that much together by 25.”  _ Yeah, so do me and Rory. _

“But you’re right, this last year has changed my opinion of him quite a bit. A few weeks ago Rory brought him back to the Hollow for the Spring Fling, showed him around. He’s obsessively fascinated by Taylor, luckily he got quite the dose of Taylor’s crazy this trip around. And it was so weird, my little girl had a boy stay over in her room.”

“Yeah, it’s probably a good thing I wasn’t there. I mean, it’s one thing for them to be living together- but the idea of him in her room with the books and the stuffed animals and all that? The one she had since she was 7? Not sure I could have handled that.”

“Is that when he asked you? For permission?” 

“No, that was the night we put our cards on the table- I didn’t have any idea he wanted to propose. But, he asked me, straight up why I was worried about him, I told him. And… it’s possible he called me out on my bullshit.”

“What? Logan challenged you on something and won?”

“He may have pointed out that him leaving his dad’s company, losing a lot of his money and all that, trying to move on… it may have been a little bit more Lorelai Gilmore than Early Christopher Hayden. Then we shared pie. It was a major bonding moment. I had no idea I’d see him again in two weeks to talk about him proposing.”

“He was going to do it on Friday night.”

“What? Last Friday night?” Chris nodded.

“Yeah, when I went after him on Friday, after the interview with Detective Douche, he told me- he showed me the ring, told me the plan. He was going to ask her  _ at _ the party.”

“What? No, Rory would hate that!”

“Yeah, he seemed to realize that as he was telling me. Then he had a horse drawn carriage outside to take them around in.”

“What? I can’t get her to go within ten feet of the horses at the inn- she’s the reason I never pursued Dressage as a career!”

“It’s a shame, I hear the Romneys are looking for a new Dressage Master.”

“Yes, well, I love my child too much to consider it, but I supose Mitt will just have to settle for second best.”

“I guess so.”

“How was the ring?”

“It made me think of the one I bought you.”

“What? Chris, we only had bands.”

“I may have bought one for the party your parents were throwing. It was vintage, I thought you’d like that more than something brand new. It had a yellow diamond in the center, diamonds all around in a halo, then all over the band. It made me think of daisies and Zelda Fitzgerald… I just saw it and it looked like you.” She looked at him, surprised and sad, her eyes tearing up.

“Chris…”

“No, Lore, it’s fine. We both agreed that it wasn’t right. We rushed too much… I mean, after 22 years, it was somehow still too rushed.”

“I don’t think it was  _ us _ that was too rushed, it was me- let’s face it. I’m relationship dynamite- blow up really great things.”

“No, Lorelai, you’re amazing. I think… I think that maybe you just keep worrying that you may end up needing someone- and you are not someone who can need someone. So you run, and hey, for so long you had to be all you needed, and all Rory needed- and I was someone you couldn’t count on, I didn’t help. It’s pretty easy to see how it happened, you adapted like you had to.”

“But isn’t it more important to  _ want _ someone?”

“I think it’s important, sure… if you’re both on the same page there. But see, I wanted you to need me- I wanted to be able to take care of you- for you to  _ let me _ take care of you. Maybe that’s why you and Luke did so well for a while, neither of you needed each other.” She sat, mulling that over, sipping her wine in quiet.

“Do you think Rory needs Logan?”

“Wow, I don’t know- it’s hard for me to say- I don’t see them together all that often, and this last week probably skews my opinion… right now she does, and he’s there and as much as I hate to see her all grown up, I’m really glad she has him.”

“Honestly? Me too.”

“So… Do you think she would have said yes?”

“Oh, Chris, I honestly don’t know. I mean, I know she really loves him, she mentioned a year ago that she thought he might be  _ the one _ … but wow, I just kept trying to wrap my head around her graduating and going out in the world, then about her getting married and maybe moving to California, and I was so focused on that stuff, on  _ my _ stuff, that when this all happened…” She was fighting tears, she had been so proud of herself earlier, it had been almost 24 full hours since she cried, a record for her lately. “God, I would give anything to be able to go back to before- I’d happily take her settled and happy in California, married… she could give up journalism and stay home and have 6 kids and become a Mormon or a Scientologist or something and I’d be so happy- if only she didn’t have to go through this.” Chris put both arms around her, holding her tightly, kissing the top of her head. 

“I know you would, so would I. There really isn’t anything I wouldn’t do if it meant this didn’t happen. But it did happen. And we just have to help her through it.”

“My parents offered to call the state AG, try to push her case through- but then we’d have to fill them in on some of the details we left out.”

“Yeah, that would not go well with Rory.” 

“No, the look on her face when she asked about them? Mom’s really upset, but I tried to talk her off a ledge, just saying Rory doesn’t want her to see her like this, all banged up- but you know Emily Gilmore- she feels she has a right to visit her granddaughter, regardless the circumstances.”

“Well, the bruises are mostly gone at this point, maybe we should do a family dinner- we can do it here so Rory doesn’t have to go out yet. I mean, it’s going to end up being pizza or chinese take out, but we can do that here.”

“Yeah, we should probably give them something, throw them a bone.”

“We never got to celebrate her graduation- have a toast, give her gifts, any of that.”

“I know, I just don’t know where she is on the subject of Yale right now- is it still mostly the best 4 years of her life, or is it all tainted and ruined?” 

“I didn’t even think about that. God, how did this become such a mess?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

_ The knife glinted off the floor lamp in the room, it was cold against her skin- she felt a nick at her neck and smelled the blood, forcing her to panic even more- she started to kick and fight against him, but no matter what she did he was pushing her down, ripping down her panties, pawing under her skirt…” _

“Stop! Stop! Please stop, you’re hurting me, please stop!”

“Ace! Hey, Ace- Rory! It was just a nightmare, you’re ok!” 

Rory had been tossing and turning and accidentally hit Logan in the face with her hand, right around the eye- waking him up- and as soon as she started screaming and crying in her sleep he was shaking her to wake her up- he wasn’t even sure she was totally awake for a full minute, she was crying and moaning for someone to stop, it hurt. He went to hold her and she pushed him away- 

“Stop! Don’t!” And then she looked up, saw his eyes- his pain, surprise and she just doubled over, in the middle of the bed. “I’m sorry, Logan, I’m sorry- I love you, you know I love you, I just…” She looked up at him, but she wasn’t really looking at him- her eyes were flitting nervously all over the room, there was a creaking stair or floorboard that made her jump a half mile and she was shaking all over.

He just put both hands up so she could see them and started talking.    
  


“Hey, it’s ok, it’s just me and you in the room. Your dad is upstairs in bed, your mom is at the Inn, it was just a dream, it was just a bad dream and you are ok. You are with me, and I love you and you are fine.” He let her stay doubled over, crying into the bed sheet. “Do you want something drink? Som tea or some juice or something?” She just shook her head and tried to wipe the tears from her face as she started to collect herself. He waited, patiently until the sobbing stopped.

“Do you want me to hold you? Do you want me to leave?”

She moved over so she was right next to him, she pulled his arm over her shoulder and snuggled in tightly to him- still crying, but much calmer.

“Do you want- do you want to talk about it?” He was pale and shaky as he asked, not sure how much he would be able to hear, but if she needed to get it out, to say it, the least he could do was listen to it.

“I just… I saw the knife and he hit me with it, there was some blood and it smelled so weird-- in the dream. It smelled like chemicals, like a dry cleaners or something… I don’t know why. But then he… he just… God, Logan, what am I going to do? I’m starting to feel like I’m paralyzed, I’m just stuck. I mean, I got two emails today from newspapers about interviews… And I turned them both down. I don’t know what happened, in my head I was composing an email to set up an interview, but my fingers just started typing a polite refusal and hit send.”

“Oh, Ace, I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I really didn’t want to tell my boyfriend that I’m feeling so fucked up that I’m ruining the tiny number of job prospects I have and I’ll just continue to be a drain on him and everyone in my family.”

“Seriously? What do you mean- you could never be a drain, not on me, not on any of us! Rory, we love you and we are here for you, 100%.”

“And now it’s not just that I’m a loser who can’t get a job, but I have no apartment, no money, I can’t even sleep through a night without waking you up and making you take care of me like I’m some insane person who should be locked up in a white room with padded walls with Nurse Ratchet making the rounds.”

“Whoa whoa whoa, hold on there Rory. You are absolutely the love of my life, you are actually the only woman I’ve ever been in love with, you couldn’t pay me to stay away- to not be here, helping you and loving you and being amazed by your strength.”

“If I was actually strong, I would have been able to fight him off. I would have been able to get rid of him- instead of him throwing me down on that floor… he said… oh God, he said that I looked juicy… that I wanted him… and he just… I never went to church, mom wasn’t particularly religious. I mean, Mrs. Kim made me attend a lot of things over the years, with Lane, and Reverend Skinner was always really nice to me… but I swear to God, in that moment, I was praying that he would just kill me- that I would just die. Especially when he… I was turned around… I just wanted to die.”

“Rory, stop that- just stop that! Hey!” He took her by the shoulders and tried to make her look him in the eye. He was crying, he was terrified- his face had gone totally white, his hands were shaking. He made himself take his hands off her arms, not wanting to spook her. “I don’t know what I would do if I lost you, Rory. You are my entire world and if I woke up any day without a world that had Rory Gilmore in it, I have no idea what I would do- I don’t know how I would survive that.I don’t know how your mom or your dad or your grandparents would survive that- we all need you, so much.” He held her as tight as he could, the very suggestion that she had prayed for him to kill her… that he had broken her so completely… that he could have lost her, it made his heart stop and he was having to remind himself to just breathe.

And they stayed like that, not moving, for at least an hour, neither willing to burst the bubble they were in.


	11. Coffee and Conversations

(15 days after)

“Hey, Ace, do you want some coffee? I was going to run out the little place on Elm for pastries, want me to bring you back something?”

Rory didn’t look up from her laptop, she had been spending the morning working on her resume, sending off to pretty much every paper and magazine in the country.

“Quad venti?”

“Are you sure? You already had two espressos this morning.” She looked up at him, annoyed.

“I didn’t realize you were tracking my coffee consumption.”

“Sorry, I just… don’t worry about it, I’ve got a few errands to run, should be back in an hour or so. Need anything else while I’m out?” She shook her head as she refocused on her computer screen. He leaned over to kiss her on the head and left, she didn’t seem to even notice.

****************************

“Is that my best friend, the one, the only, the mostly absent Logan Huntzberger? I haven’t seen him in so long, I can’t quite remember what he looked like, my photos have all faded over time, along with my misty, watercolor memories… Of the way, we were…” Finn crooned in Logan’s face, something that should maybe seem more unusual than it was for these two. Finn had been at the coffee shop a few minutes already, he had headed there as soon as he got the message from Logan asking if he had time to chat.

As Logan approached the corner table Finn had snagged and as he got closer, Finn took in his still somewhat bedraggled appearance- thanks to plenty of nightmares and panic attacks, it was clear Huntzberger hadn’t been getting much sleep.

“Wow, Mate, you look like you need a vacation- or maybe a mortician? I know, we should have a spa day- I’ll call Colin, we’ll have ladies pampering us, bringing us champagne as we bathe in mud and get massages- we could be naked and relaxed within an hour!

“Haha, thanks Finn. As much fun as that sounds, I’m exhausted- and I don’t want to leave Rory alone for too long..” Logan sat and Finn pushed a coffee over to him, fixed the way Logan preferred- they really were like an old married couple sometimes. Luckily, it was practically empty, the morning rush must have just ended and, according to the sign in the window, the wifi was down so there weren’t many stragglers. “So then, tell me, how is our girl doing?”

Logan sighed, leaning back in the chair, rubbing his hands over his face- how was he supposed to answer that?

“I… I really don’t know. I honest-to-God don’t.”

“Are there any leads from the police?” Logan just huffed out a laugh-like sound at that one.

“Ha. You know, for as quick as they were to prosecute us for that damn yacht, or the time we streaked at the Penguins game, you would think that a girl getting the shit beaten out of her and raped multiple times, in an apartment just off campus and put into a coma would be a bigger priority to them!”

 _Shit_. He hadn’t meant to tell Finn that part… at least not like that. He looked at Finn waiting for the explosion, the surprise and fury, the urgent panic over what happened to the girl Finn loved almost as much as he did. But it didn’t come. He was visibly upset, incredibly concerned- but he seemed to be taking it remarkably well- stoic was not a word Logan would usually associate with the boy from Down Under.

“You already knew about that, didn’t you? Did Honor tell you?”

“She didn’t say anything specifically, but I sort of guessed from the way she didn’t say it, not to mention the fact that she contacted me in the first place.” Logan raised an eyebrow at that.

“Ah, you see, it isn’t _just_ my charm, good looks and family money that got me into and through Yale- turns out I’m actually very smart, when sober, at least. Your sister calls about Rory being attacked, but no details and a few cagey comments, that’s intriguing. But of all your drunken lothario friends, I’m the one she’s telling to contact you? It seemed like there was probably a reason. I just put 2 and 2 together.”

“Sorry, I’m just surprised that you know, but you seem so calm, like you’re just taking it all in stride- how is that possible? I still don’t really understand what’s going on, how this all happened, one second I’m fumbling nervously with the ring box, the next I’m begging to see her in the ICU, talking to detectives and authorizing emergency brain surgery on her because I’m the healthcare proxy and not her mother because of the dumbest little clerical thing… It’s possible I’m having trouble dealing with the last few days worth of sights and sounds…”

“‘I’m so sorry Man, I can’t even imagine, which, by the way, I’m happy to keep it that way, I really don’t know what I would have been like in your shoes. I love Rory like a sister and I can’t imagine being at all capable of holding myself together were I there.”

“I don’t know, my sister seems to think you would have been just fine in the situation- probably better than me.” Ok, fine, maybe it stung a little that _Finn_ was the person his sister had turned to, even though he understood it was a matter of circumstance; but he couldn’t help but feel guilty that he wasn’t the person there for his own sister- that he didn’t even know there was something to be there for.

“I’m glad she finally told you.” Finn was nervous, knowing Logan would feel guilty for not being there, but his friend was ultimately just glad someone had been there for Honor. “You aren’t mad about it, are you, that she told me and not you?” Logan thought for a minute.

“I probably was, at first. But mostly I’m glad you were there for her. Speaking of which, I owe you for that one, anytime, anywhere- committing treason, pulling a heist, burying a body, it doesn’t matter, I can’t thank you enough for that.” Finn surprisingly blushed and waved it all off.

“Oh please, I was where you would have been if shoes were reversed; you know Honor is family to me.” They sat there in silence for a bit, thinking and sipping their coffee.

“So, Reporter Girl, she’s out of the hospital? How is she doing?”

“Physically, she’s healing well- the cast will be off in two or three weeks, she can’t wait for that- crutches might be more dangerous to her than actually walking on the thing. But, the bruises are almost entirely gone, same for the cuts and scratches.” Finn winced at that, he really didn’t want to think about her injuries- maybe he was able to handle Honor’s situation so much better because externally, she seemed fine- no bruises, broken bones, cuts... “She had to have that emergency brain surgery, but it looks like it worked; they only had to cut a  little patch of her hair, it’s barely noticeable but she’s really sensitive about it, the sutures from that are healing nicely. So, all of that’s actually good, like pretty much as good as we could have hoped for.” Finn nodded.

“How is she handling it though?”

“I have no idea. At first, she didn’t want me out of hand holding distance, I was there all the time- not that I would have ever left. But since we got to her dad’s house, sometimes she wants to be held and soothed, especially after a nightmare or something, but… the rest of the time she’s just distracted. Like, it’s Rory’s body- but her spirit, her personality, none of that is there. Not to mention, she goes from fine to angry or sad or scared faster than my old Aston Martin could go 0-60. She still hasn’t even left the house.”

“Alright, I know it’s scary, but it sounds like she’s going through a fairly standard post-trauma process. I’m sure that doesn’t make you feel any better, but it doesn’t seem unusual or impossible to come back from.”

“How do you know all this?” Finn looked at Logan, evaluating him- deciding just how much should he tell.

“Look, Mate when I was helping Honor, I felt pretty guilty that it was me and not you helping, so I knew I had to do it right- there was no room for me to be my normal Finn self and screw up, that’s not what you would have done for _my_ sister. So, I read books, I went online and googled- by the way, did you know there is more on the internet than cat videos and porn? There is like a world of information out there!” That actually made Logan crack a smile, something he desperately needed these days.

“Hmm, who knew? Someone should look into that- maybe with a little publicity it could become a thing, you know?”

“I even took a few psychology classes that semester- actually showed up too- well, for most of them; I went to a group a few times- family members of survivors… it helped me understand a little more how to talk to her, what she needed, how to listen to her.”

Wow, Logan was tearing up- something he’d never done in front of Finn before… well, definitely not when sober.

“Seriously, Finn, I’m so glad she had you through it all, thank you.”

“I’ll tell you what, make sure you and Rory name your firstborn child after me, then we can call it even.”

“Alright, you have yourself a deal. So, Obi Wan, share your wisdom with me, what do I do know, how do I help Rory through this? I can’t just stand by and watch her continue to disappear on me, shrinking into herself.”

“Is she talking to _anyone_ about it?”

“Not at all- the detective who came to talk to her was so awful, no empathy or compassion- he didn’t even try to cushion the questions or pretend like he believed this was anything more than rough sex she regretted…I swear, I could have literally killed him with my bare hands! The things he made her say, he made her relive, right in front of me and him- he was a total stranger…” Logan was tearing up now, his anger hot. “She just doesn’t want to talk to anyone about it ever again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not crazy to hear about it- especially considering some of the things I think she was saying, but this jackass didn’t even care- he was ½ boredom and ½ disinterest the entire time he talked to her.”

Finn just nodded, suddenly wishing he had remembered to bring a flask so he could make their coffees Irish- this as a heavy conversation to have sober.

“Yeah, Honor didn’t actually make it the point where she would talk to the police, so I’d say it’s impressive that Rory did. Your sister tried silent avoidance for a while until one day I had to just push her in the car and drive her to a center where she had a breakdown and they were able to get her to open up and talk- but I’m guessing that isn’t likely to help in your case, is it?”

“I don’t know. I talked to her parents about it- she just can’t handle anyone finding out- the look on her face when she worried her grandparents or Paris might know? I could never knowingly cause that look. So we thought maybe a stranger, a professional would help. We tried to get her to talk to the Social Worker at the hospital, but that was a no-go.”

“What about having her talk to Honor?”

“I know, I thought about that, but I’m worried what Rory’s reaction will be to Honor knowing what happened. Not to mention, I know Honor’s heart is in the right place, but I worry that right now, Rory needs someone who really knows how to get her to talk, when it’s ok she isn’t talking, what she’s avoiding, things like that.”

“I don't know, I wouldn’t count Honor out, you might be surprised what she can do, especially since Rory knows her… ultimately, it’s her call- but it might be good for both of them.” They sat and drank in silence, finding it peaceful and quiet here- just the smell of coffee, the occasional call for espresso drinks- worn tables and comfy armchairs to sit in. “But mostly, you have to remember that you can be there for her, but you can’t fix her- she has to fix herself. So mostly you’re going to have to be patient and try to get her to talk as much as possible.”

“I know, I’m trying, I just-”

“You also need to make sure that you’re talking to someone- me, Honor, it doesn’t matter, but being someone’s White Knight is exhausting and emotionally draining. You aren’t any good to her if you’re on the brink of losing it.”

“I know, I gotcha, thanks.”

“Well then, enough of that, I feel as though we have other things to discuss. Tell me, how goes _Operation Guacamole?_ ” That’s what the guys had taken to calling the grand proposal, move to California with an avocado tree, live happily ever after plan… but only after _Project Baby Huntz_ had been vehemently rejected by Logan-- that was still thinking a bit far ahead.

“Oh, you know, just another thing on my list I have no response to. The guys running the company have been really cool about giving me time to handle it all, but come on, I can’t just pick up and leave for a job- and I really don’t think it’s a good idea for her to move 3000 miles away from her family at the moment. So I guess I have to turn it down, but that means I’m back to Square One. I mean, most of my trust fund is accessible now, and the rest kicks in at 30- so I don’t _have_ to work, but I was actually looking forward to it. Not to mention, I’m finally in a maybe/hopefully good place with her mom who would _not_ be a fan of my being a lazy dilettante with no job.”

“I could always hire you to be my butler- although we’d have to do something about your name, I don’t know that Logan really has the right ring to it- how do you feel about Jeeves?”

“You really are a true friend, Finn. Don’t worry, I’ll let you know if I ever get that desperate… so that you can shoot me.”

“Ok, well, maybe we can find something for you a bit more to your liking- maybe even this place in Palo Alto? It did sound awfully good for you, a startup focused on how to bring news and entertainment to the masses via social media and user generated content, and they’ve spent quite a bit of time trying to woo you- it sounds like a match made in Silicon Valley Heaven.”

“See, that’s the beauty, it’s almost exactly like the other company I tried to acquire, and the one at HPG before that- they have these algorithms to evaluate ads and sponsored posts that are going to be the most effective with various viewers and maximize CPC/CPA performance accordingly. That means advertisers don’t have to evaluate the efficacy of a campaign on just things like views or click-through-rate, we can put in metrics like cost-per-acquisition or return-on-marketing-spend- not to mention the capability they have to…”

“I’m going to stop you right there, Mate- I’m not entirely sure most of what you just said were actual words, but I understand that you’re excited about it.”  


“Yeah… it’s an amazing digital media platform and this time I did all of my research, they own the patent, they have been very conservative with their spending as they grow, very disciplined. And most of my salary for the first three years is already set aside in an escrow account.”

“Would they let you work remotely, maybe like 70% of the time for the first 2 or 3 months? Tell them you really want the job, but with Rory’s situation, you guys aren’t ready to move yet so you can go out and do an orientation week, you can fly out whenever there is something really important, but if you think about it- you’re looking for Angel Investors, VC and Hedge funds, wouldn’t it make sense to be in closer proximity to New York to schmooze and bilk? I mean, if you had to fly out here every time you had a meeting in Manhattan, that would get pricey as hell. Give Rory time to deal with everything, by that time she may be anxious for a change of scenery.” It was so simple, how had Logan not seen it before?

“Finn… I’m sorry man, but I don’t think you should ever drink again, you’re a genius when you’re sober. I mean, it’s freaking me out a bit- and I _really_ wish Colin was here right now because he will literally never believe me.”

“Well, sober Finn may be a genius, but he also has daddy issues and not a tenth of his incredible charisma and charm- this will not become the new normal, I promise.”

*********************************

“Quad venti- I even had them put in a shot of caramel for you.” Logan handed her coffee over, she was still on the bed, working on her laptop. He leaned over and kissed the top of her head as she took her coffee, instantly gulping some down like it was water after a run. “Any luck today- newspapers begging for the great Rory Gilmore to come on board?”

“Not yet- but it’s ok, I’m sure something is going to come through.”

“Of course it is. Hey, I was talking to Finn today and I was thinking that we should do something this summer- take a short trip somewhere, like maybe around the 4th? We could hit the Vineyard or maybe even take out the yacht for a week along the coast of Maine?” She just kept typing, barely glancing at him.

“Yeah, umm, maybe. We’ll see.” It was weird, he was sort of feeling like when she was holding the grudge about him and the bridesmaids last year. He waited to see if she was even going to look up at him,  but she was pretty intent on whatever she was working on- but that had to be a good thing, right? She was engaging with the world, thinking about the future- that was what they wanted.

“Ok, well, I’ll leave you alone to work. Let me know if you need anything.” She just nodded her head and he left the room.


	12. Two Guys Talking Over Salmon

(18 days after)

“Oh my God, what smells so amazing in here?” Chris had been in meetings for a good chunk of the afternoon so he was a little confused when he came into the house to smell real food cooking in his kitchen- he entered the room to see Logan next to the stove, chopping a salad and drinking wine while listening to music.

“Hey Chris, I hope you don’t mind, I just sort of made myself at home- I had time and thought I’d cook food for us that didn’t come from takeout cartons.” He put the tomato down and checked on something in the oven and stirring something on the stove. “Would you like some wine?”

Chris walked around the room taking it all in. “I didn’t know you cook Logan, it smells incredible! What are we having?”

“It’s salmon barigoule- it’s like salmon filets with a French artichoke kinda ragout over it. I’ve got some potatoes and green beans roasting, some bread and this salad to go with it. I’ve got a red Burgundy on the counter and an awesome Chardonnay from Chile, either would work with this, just depends on your preference.” Chris helped himself to a generous glass of the red and sat at the table, watching Logan cook.

“Wow, you look really comfortable in here- do you do most of the cooking for Rory?”

“Umm, a lot of it, I guess. When she and I started dating I was always amazed- she can name the entire periodic table alphabetically and by atomic weight, but struggles to make eggs without burning them. But I like messing around in the kitchen- maybe because my mother would be horrified that I don’t just hire a cook.”

“Ah, classic rebellion. Lorelai used to love to sneak into the kitchen and do dishes- until she realized that her mom was firing maids who let her.”

“Yeah, I think we all have our quirks that way- Colin, one of my best friends, he finds it soothing to match and bundle socks.”

“Wow, that’s a new one for me- are you sure he isn’t just OCD or something?” Logan laughed, shaking his head.

“I’m not saying there isn’t something wrong with him mentally, but he apparently finds it very soothing- like meditating.” Chris snuck a taste of the artichoke concoction on the stove, surprise on his face- “Holy shit, that’s delicious.”

“Thanks! I went to France a few years back for a couple weeks and I fell in love with this in Provence and had to figure out how to replicate it when I came back. I must have tried like 30 different recipes until I finally got up the nerve to ask my mom to introduce me to her friend, he’s this chef in New York- Eric Ripert?”

“Umm, from Le Bernardin?”

“Yeah, it’s my mom’s favorite place to eat- and one of the few non-steakhouse places she can get my dad to go to. He actually catered my sister’s wedding last year.”

“You’re kidding me? I’ve wanted to go there for years, but I can never seem to get a table!”

“Seriously? Well hey, next time just let me know, they’ll make room if I give them a call. Or better than that, maybe we could go up, the four of us, this summer. I was just talking to Rory about trying to get out of the house- maybe we could even sneak in a show or something.” He was trying to push away this weird feeling he was having about her, she definitely wasn’t ok, but he couldn’t figure out what to do about it.

“Let me guess how that went?”

“Well, she didn’t say no.”

“Yeah, but did she say anything at all?” Logan looked at him, pouring a refill for both of them of the wine before asking him,

“So she’s being evasive for you too?”

“Evasive would probably involve more maneuvering. She isn’t exactly avoiding me _or_ giving me the silent treatment, it’s just like she won’t engage, at all. She’ll nod yes, shake no, say thank you, but that’s pretty much it. She only comes out of the room when she wants coffee anyways. Luckily she’s a Gilmore, so today alone I got to see her 8 times.”

“Wait, for coffee or espresso?”

“Umm, just coffee. Why?”

“Wow, I am still constantly surprised by her caffeine tolerance, she had two espressos this morning, _and_ I got her a Quad Venti this afternoon, _plus_ at least 8 cups of regular coffee. I have no idea how she does it.”

“Yeah, Gilmore Girls basically run on coffee and sass.”

“Oh, the sass I’m very familiar with.” And he would pretty much do anything to get that sass back, even just a hint of it. He took one last taste of the sauce, smiling at the result. “Well, I think dinner is just about ready, I’ll go get Rory.”

“Sounds good, I’ll set the table.” Logan left and headed to Rory’s room- remembering to knock and wait for her to invite him in. She barely looked up from the computer as he came in, “Hey, dinner's ready- I made the salmon and artichoke dish you love and made sure to get that Chilean Chardonnay that you like so much.”

“Oh, thanks… but I’m really kind of in the groove right now and don’t want to interrupt the flow. I’ll just eat later.”

“Umm, no problem, why don’t I put together a plate for you and just bring it to you?”

“Oh, no don’t worry about it, I’m not particularly hungry right now- I think I had too much to eat at lunch.”

“Are you sure? It’s one of your favorites.”

“God, Logan, yes- I’m sure, I think if I was hungry I would know it, don’t you?” She was glaring at him at that point and he really didn’t know what he did wrong.

“Yeah, sure. Ok, well I’ll put a plate together for you, all you have to do is put it in the microwave for a few minutes if you want it later.”

“I think I can handle reheating leftovers.”

“Ok, well, I guess I’ll just leave you alone. I love you.” She just nodded and said,

“Yeah, love you, too.”


	13. A Knight Dressed in Flannel

(20 days after)

Lorelai was rushing from the Inn to Luke’s before going to see Rory. She hadn’t been able to get Rory on the phone for the last two days- Chris and Luke said she was fine, just kind of avoiding people, which probably made sense, but she needed to see Rory was fine for her own sanity. Speaking of sanity, she seriously needed coffee before hitting the road to Hartford.

“Coffee in a gallon size if you have it!”

“You know I don’t have gallon sized cups, Lorelaid. In the 12 years you have been coming here, I have never had gallon sized cups, and yet, three times a week, you come in and you ask for what?”

“Gallon size cup of coffee please!” He rolled his eyes as he took a large to-go cup and filled it with coffee.

“Headed somewhere?”

“Oh, you know, headed to Hartford, going to spend some time with Rory.”

“Yeah? Hey, any idea how much longer she’ll be staying there? People keep coming in and asking for her. I also ordered some of those pickles that she really likes. Hey, how about I make you some burgers to go, you can take them with you.”

“Oh, that’s really nice, but I think…” Her phone started ringing as she was putting a lid on the coffee. “I think that Logan maybe was making dinner? Or we were going to dinner or something, and I’m in kind of a rush… Gah!” She was trying to get at her phone, drink some coffee and avoid Luke’s glares about a cell phone in the diner- but she really didn’t have the patience to deal with that right now.  “Hello?”

“Lorelai? It’s your mother.” _Dammit!_ Unfortunately, Lorelai was distracted thinking about that and answered her phone without checking the Caller ID- she really needed to install a custom ringtone for Emily, maybe the Wicked Witch music from Wizard of Oz.

“Yes, thanks for the clarification, Mom- because after 40 years, I tend to forget what your voice sounds like.”

“There is no reason to snark at me like that.”

“I’m sorry Mom. I’m just kind of in a hurry, what can I do for you?” Lorelai through money on the counter and walked out of the diner.

“I wanted to talk to you about Rory. I haven’t been able to get her to return any of my phone calls, emails… I even tried to text her, I had your father’s assistant show me how, it’s terribly complicated and inconvenient, but I know that the next generation likes their technology and trends.”

“Yeah, well, you know those kids today and their crazy new-fangled notions.”

“Lorelai, this is serious, I’m worried about her, she isn’t going to DAR functions, none of the girls have heard from her recently, she isn’t returning messages or phone calls, Christopher says she rarely leaves her room.”

“Well, Mom, she broke her leg and is really bad on the crutches, believe me, it’s probably safest for her if she doesn’t use them.” That at least wasn’t untrue- Rory really was the last person who should ever be allowed to use crutches, she’d face planted twice since getting them.

“Yes, Lorelai, I understand that she broke her leg- I believe I was there when the doctor told me that my granddaughter had broken her leg, I have a very clear memory of that night. But, I would like to know when I get to see her- I stopped by yesterday and she was sleeping and still hasn’t messaged me back to set something up. Your father and I still want to find a way to celebrate her graduation from Yale.”

“And I think that’s very sweet, Mom, but I’m not sure if that’s the best idea right now. She had something pretty traumatic happen to her right off the campus of Yale, on the eve of her graduation- I’m not sure if talking about Yale is going to help her at all.”

“Well what are we supposed to do? Not talk about Yale ever again? Lorelai, she went to Yale, her boyfriend went to Yale, your father went to Yale.”

“Yeah, so did Meryl Streep, but I’m pretty sure if I ever met her I could come up with about a million other topics to talk about with her.”

“What the hell does Meryl Streep have to do with this? I swear, Lorelai, I do not understand how your brain thinks that what you say is funny, it’s ridiculous. This is a very serious conversation.”

“I’m sorry Mom, you were busy telling me the name of everyone who ever went to Yale, please continue.”

“I just think that some sort of celebration to mark the occasion for her would be a good thing- help her to forget what happened.” Lorelai was standing at her jeep, a few blocks from the diner, scrambling for her keys in her purse and trying very hard to calm down and not go off on her mom. _Where the hell are those damn keys?_ She put her coffee on top of the roof, digging through her purse, her pockets…

“And again, Mom, I think that’s very sweet and I’m sure we will do something to celebrate soon, but right now she’s just trying to find her bearings, I don’t think she’s in the mood for any kind of hoopla. But I promise that as soon as she is, I will personally bust out the disco ball and my party pants- but for now, I think she still needs time. ”

“For God’s sake Lorelai, I know that what happened was terrible, of course I do, and I would never want to make it any worse. But it’s been two weeks! If she doesn’t get back out of her room and that house so that she can start to move on and put this all behind her. ”

“You know what, Mom? I can’t have this conversation anymore today my daughter was attacked brutally, viciously and possibly left for dead, if she needs time to herself, to process it all, we are all going to let her. I’m going to hang up on you before I say something I’m really going to regret. I will call you later this week.” She hung up as her mother started calling her name, switching it off and throwing it in her purse before angry tears began falling down her face. She threw her purse down the sidewalk, “Where the fuck are my fucking keys?”

“You left them on the counter inside.” She closed her eyes, not wanting to turn around, not wanting Luke to see. But Luke was Luke and he walked over, calmly, to pick up her purse and hand it, along with her keys, back to her- and then when he saw her crying he put one hand at the small of her back and the other on her arm as he moved her to a nearby bench to sit as she continued to sob.

“So. Rory isn’t just spending the summer in Hartford for fun, is she?” Lorelai wasn’t able to speak, she just shook her head. “And the big Stars Hollow Rory Gilmore Graduation Palooza wasn’t postponed because your parents were throwing her a party for the same night last Sunday?” Again, Lorelai just shook her head, she couldn’t make herself look at him. She could feel the tension vibrating off Luke- she knew he had to be so angry she hadn’t told him, she knew he considered Rory to be practically his own daughter, and she hadn’t told him.

“I’m so sorry, Luke- I just couldn’t tell you- I couldn’t really tell anyone. It’s just that one minute I’m at her graduation party going at it with my mother about Rory being late and what would Miss Manners say, while silently panicking because Logan was there and he had come to me to ask for permission to propose, but he hadn’t proposed yet and I was an awkward spaz every time I saw or spoke to her since then. Then, the phone rings, I answer, it’s Chris and he’s telling me about the cops and ambulance outside of her apartment, that she had been hurt and…” She dug around in her purse, looking for kleenex, she had to have kleenex in there, right? She noticed that Luke was gripping the underside of the bench, his knuckles white. She knew that if she looked up at his face she’d see his jaw locked and his teeth bared.

“And since then it’s just been… it’s been horrible. The Detective and the exam and then she had to have emergency brain surgery and was in a coma- that’s why I wasn’t here for almost a week, I was there, at New Haven General with her.  And now she’s out, she’s at Christopher’s because she can’t handle the idea of everyone in Stars Hollow asking questions and looking at her and whispering about her. But now she’s withdrawn, she barely leaves her room, she barely speaks to anyone and that was my mom who was just trying to figure out why Rory won’t see her or why I won’t reschedule her graduation party over Rory’s wishes to be left alone she’s my baby girl, Luke and she was so visciously attacked- I couldn’t believe it when I saw her.!

“And I know that Rory was very clear that she didn’t want her grandparents to know the extent of what happened, and I think, especially with my dad’s heart, that’s the right call- but I’m about to lose it on Mom. I don’t know why she doesn’t understand that Rory needs time to heal- physically, yes, but also emotionally. If none of us can get her to talk about anything, I don’t know  why Emily Gilmore thinks it’s different if it’s her. I mean, _I_ can’t fix it- I’m her _mother_ , I’m her _best friend_ and _I_ couldn’t do anything to protect her, to save her from it, to make her feel better… and if I can’t do anything in this situation, what the fuck does Emily Gilmore think that she’s going to be able to do?” And she just collapsed into his arms, her face buried in his chest, crying in  heaving, racking sobs. Luke held her as tightly as possible, stroking her hair and her back, letting her dissolve.

Occasionally someone would walk past them and seemed curious, but Luke would just glare at them and shake his head, telling them to back off, not now. As the tears slowed and her breathing calmed she pulled away from him- grabbing at a tissue and dabbing her eyes.

“I’m sorry about that, Luke- I didn’t mean to… I just haven’t been sleeping much and I’m still… I don’t know, I’m feeling lost.”

“No, it’s fine, Lorelai- I can’t… Wow. How is Rory now? Is there anything I can do? Are you sure you don’t want some burgers and all to go? Or pie, I could send you with some pie? I have boysenberry- she likes my boysenberry.” It was impossible to not smile a bit at his eagerness to do something to help.

“Not tonight, maybe tomorrow though?” She asked.

“Anytime, you know that. But in the meantime, you’re exhausted and you’re shaking, do you want me to drive you?”

“Thanks, but like I said, she’s really sensitive about people knowing about this- it’s one of the reasons she’s not back here until the cast is off, the bruises are gone…” She shuddered a bit, remembering how Rory had looked that first night- how battered she was- not just physically, but emotionally beaten down. “It was the supposed to be the greatest accomplishment of her life, you know? We were going to celebrate, maybe take a trip- it was big, it was everything we worked for since she was two. And instead I spent two days straight in a hospital, wearing my dress from the party and a pair 4 inch heels. I felt so stupid, sitting there like that. But I couldn’t leave, I just couldn’t make myself leave because what if she woke up and she needed me?”

“You could have called me, I would have brought you something. She wouldn’t have even had to know, you could have just told me “I can’t tell you why, but I need you to bring me something to wear.” She nodded, she knew that he would have dropped everything to help her- but she also know that once he got there, he wouldn’t leave her to deal with it alone.

“Nothing that happened that day changes Rory’s accomplishment- changes _your_ accomplishment. You raised that girl from the age of 16 and she graduated from Yale- you both deserve to celebrate that, and while the timing was absolute shit, she’ll get to a place where she can let it go and you can both celebrate the achievement. It’s just going to be delayed a bit.”

And Lorelai nodded, because of course that made sense, of course they’d get around to it at some time, of course Rory would find a way to move past it, she’s strong… It all made sense, if you didn’t know, if you didn’t see her... This wasn’t something someone just got over.

“Well, I need to get going, Logan is apparently quite the cook and I really want to check in on her before she falls asleep, all the medications and that.” He just nodded, knowing she was probably right. “But thanks Luke, I think I just needed a good breakdown, thanks for listening.”

“Lorelai, you know I’m always here for you, and for Rory, right?”

“Yeah, Luke, I know. I’m sorry, I just… I need to go. Thanks.” She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek before standing and getting into her car for the drive to Hartford, at least everyone there knew what happened- there was no tiptoeing or downplaying the full extent of Rory’s injuries, it turned out that was surprisingly exhausting- but she wouldn’t break Rory’s trust, not for anything- she wouldn’t crack and tell her parents or Luke or anyone, she couldn’t do much right now to help her daughter, so she would do that no matter what.


	14. When The Past Comes Back To Haunt Us

(26 days after)

_ The sound of Lane’s band playing downstairs wafted through the floorboards as Jess pulled Rory to him, holding her tightly as he deepened their kiss, walking her back to the bed. As her knees hit the edge of it she leaned back, he held himself over her, beginning to pull at her top, running his hands along her bare skin at the edge of her pants, dipping his finger slightly below the waistline. She was pushing him away, or trying to, but he somehow was freakishly strong suddenly- she tried to yell, “Jess, no! Jess, stop! Not like this- stop!” _

_ But then it changed and she was in her apartment in New Haven and the man with the partial mask was telling her to shut up, the knife glinting as it pressed against her, he was telling her he liked them feisty and she was crying, asking God what she did to deserve this? And then that Detective, Detective Noonan was right there and asking her questions- “How many men have you fucked? Obviously it must be quite a few more, I can see how much you like it, you probably begged for it tonight- you probably loved it, he said you loved it.” He was leering and she was trying to argue, she was trying to deny it, but she couldn’t. Why was this happening to her?  _

_ “Don’t you know?” Why did that sound like Dean’s voice? She was in her room at home, in her bed and at first she saw the glinting of the knife being held at her, but it quickly turned into Dean’s wedding band sitting there on her bedside table and she was listening to The Candyman… but then she was back in that damn New Haven apartment and The Candyman was playing on her radio as he moved on top of her, as he hit her on the side of the face and flipped her over onto her stomach.  _

She was crying and screaming, “Just stop! Please stop. God, please stop. Fuck… why is this happening?” But she felt warm arms envelope her and they scared her- she tried to push away from him, sobbing and pounding her fists against his chest as she cried out the names Jess and Dean and Lindsay and  _ “please fucking stop, why is this happening to me? I didn’t ask for it- I’m not like that.” _

“Rory, hey, Rory, it’s just me, Logan! You’re fine, you’re here, we’re here and you’re safe” But he let her push away from him, she scrambled as far across the room as she could, all the way into the corner where she just huddled and cried.

Logan barely registered the door opening, Christopher standing right there in his pajamas, his hair messed up like he’d been sleeping but the worry on his face evident.

“What’s going on in here?” He looked briefly to Rory in the corner, a sobbing mess who was having trouble breathing and saying names he didn’t recognize and begging someone to stop. He turned to Logan, worried and obviously upset. “Is she…?”

Logan got up and moved towards her, but as he got closer and tried to put an arm around her but she shrieked and pushed him away. “Stay away, Logan, it’s all my fault, it’s my fucking fault! Stay away from me!” This was the first time that had really happened, that she absolutely refused to let him near her- he just looked up at Christopher, what was he supposed to do? Chris motioned, maybe he'd give it a shot, Logan should give him a minute.

“I’ll- uh, I’ll go get her some water.” Logan brushed past Christopher to leave the room, leaving father and daughter alone. Christopher had no idea what to do- he hadn’t spent much alone time with her since they got home from the hospital, Logan had mostly taken on the brunt of it all and appeared to be doing reasonably well so Chris hadn’t wanted to mess with what seemed to be working. But based on the look on Logan’s face- the dejection he saw there, maybe this was Dad’s turn to step up. 

“Hey, Ror. Can I come in?” They had all tried to learn from the social worker to remember to ask permission before moving towards her. She quieted her sobs a bit as she looked at him and nodded. He moved to the corner where she was still huddled, but her breathing was evening out more. “So, that must have been one hell of a nightmare you just had- you want to talk about it?” She shook her head, Chris tried to rack his brain for what he did when this happened with Gigi- the problem being that usually with his 5 year old daughter, he would look under her bed and in her closet and prove to her that there were no monsters there and he would hold her as she fell back asleep. Something told him it wasn’t going to be that easy right here- these were very different monsters. 

So he just put an arm around her and pulled her close to him, realizing in that moment how rarely he had ever had the chance to do this- comfort his terrified, sobbing daughter. He missed so much, he’d never really forgive himself for that, even if she had. 

“It all makes sense now, Dad- I deserved it.” 

“Rory, that’s not true- don’t say that! What happened to you was absolutely terrible and there isn’t a single person who deserves it.”

“That’s not true dad,- don’t you see? I'm wrong, I'm just so wrong... It’s all karmic payback for everything that happened with Dean and with Jess and I don’t know, maybe even Tristan and Marty and every guy I ever lead on or made think I felt differently than I did. It’s all my fault.”

“Oh, Kid, you know that’s not true, _I_ know that you know that’s not true. Rory, you are beautiful and brilliant and very kind and forgiving- you have the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever seen. I am sure there have been times in the past when you have broken some hearts- you are a Gilmore Girl after all. But that has absolutely nothing to do with what happened to you a few weeks ago. It was a complete stranger who took advantage of you- he broke in, he attacked you and he left. It is his fault and only his fault. Maybe you don’t see that right now, maybe you can’t see that right now, but I swear that we love you and we are going to help you see it.” She didn’t respond at all, just continued to sit there, but her sobs quieted somewhat. 

“Hey, Ace, I brought you some ice water, sip it slowly, it should help.” She took it from him with her hands shaking. Christopher just looked up at Logan, wondering what they should do next. Logan shrugged, he had no idea what to do next- this was one of the worst panic attacks she had after a nightmare. Logan sat down next to her, on the other side of Christopher and he put an arm around her, testing the waters; she didn’t fall into his side, but she didn’t push away either. Logan looked over her head at Christopher and the dad nodded, kissing her temple as he stood up to leave. When he got to the door he paused, looking back at them, his heart breaking for the young couple- this was not what they should be dealing with at this point in their lives- well, it wasn't something they should ever have to deal with, but… 

As Rory finally calmed down enough that Logan felt like he could try to talk to her, he was struggling, still unsure what to say. 

“You want to tell me what’s going on in that beautiful brain of yours?” She was still crying but the sobbing had stopped. She just threw her face into his chest, shaking her head and he held her close. After a few minutes sitting there, together, she finally mumbled something into his t-shirt- her hot tears seeping through instantly, hitting his heart both literally and figuratively. He tried to make out what she was saying, but it was incoherent.

“What was that about maroon halters and Snuffleupagus in Haiti?”

“It’s all my fault- I understand it, totally.” He tried to look her in the eyes, searching for an actual answer, trying to figure out what she could possibly mean. 

“What’s your fault?”

“Everything that happened to me- it’s all my fault- it’s Karma, don’t you see? I mean, look at me, it almost happened with Jess that one time, but then after everything that I did with Dean, the way that I led on Marty and who the hell else knows? I might not exactly be the whore that he thinks I am, but of course, it all makes sense now.”

Logan was speechless. He was trying to figure out what to say to her, but he had never been so surprised by words that came out of this woman’s mouth. 

“I’m sorry, I’m trying to piece this all together, Ace. Who exactly thinks you’re a whore?”

“The Detective, remember? The Detective that interviewed me in the hospital, I don’t remember his name right now, but he asked me all those questions and you know he thinks I’m pretty much the Mistress to the Mayor of Slutstown, and I know that he’s wrong, I’m not _that_ bad, but this was definitely Karma. I mean, look at me, I apparently led Marty on for what, two years? I didn’t know that he liked me like that, but I can see that I played into it- I flirted, I teased, I used him. And then there was Tristan.”

“Tristan?” Logan was trying to search his near encyclopedic level of knowledge of her, not really remembering that name. 

“Yes, Tristan, from Chilton. I had just broken up with Dean because he told me he loved me and I couldn’t say it back, so I went to a party and we kissed and then Dean and I got back together and Tristan kissed me in Romeo and Juliet and the next thing I knew, he was sent to military school. But right around then I met Jess, and I led him on for so long, and I was obviously leading on Dean, but I kissed Jess, but didn’t break up with Dean and then it all got even messier, because I am _horrible_. And then they got in a fight over me, at that party because Jess was trying to make me… and I was so upset. I had to push him away and fight him off but he wasn’t listening to me say no and I was crying and he was yelling and then Dean went and punched him and they broke some of the hummels and it was just one of the most awful moments of my life because those guys were there, fighting and it was all my fault! The cops came and it was all my fault!

“And then, what do I do a year later? I have that awful Freshman year where I was so broke and had no guy and almost no social life- I mean, I went to Spring Break with Paris and the only action I got was  _ her _ kissing me on the floor of the club- then wanting a performance review! But then, I go home at the beginning of the summer and I’m a homewrecker- I had sex with Dean- he was married! I lost my virginity to my married ex-boyfriend who fought guys when he thought they were trying to hurt me and I thought that was sweet… And then, you and I meet and we get together, but then we breakup- then we’re back together, but I was so horrible to you about the bridesmaids and I was angry and hurt and I went to Philadelphia to _try_ and cheat on you with Jess and I couldn’t, because I was so in love with you, but I was so hurt. That's what I'm saying, _look at me_ , I deserved it- it’s Karma, it’s the Universe telling me that I  _ am _ what the Detective thinks of me, it just makes sense.” And she was back to sobbing into his chest, he was holding her, trying to figure out what he could possibly glean from any of this, how to respond. "When did I become so fucked up? When did I become this terrible human being?"

So he had known the story of Dean- both the first time, the second time and the  _ first _ time stories. (It was a little strange to think that of the two of them, he had never slept with a married person, but he also didn’t have any friends who got married straight out of high school). Sure, the two major headlines she had just dropped about Jess had him pretty angry- he was struggling with his own emotions pretty seriously in the moment. She had alluded to something about Philadelphia when they finally talked things out back then, but he didn’t really know the details. The thing about the party? That was brand new information he was filing away to get into later- wasn’t this guy one of her good friends? The guy who wrote a book? Marty, Tristan… did she honestly believe that because these guys fell for her but she didn’t fall for them she deserved what that fucktard of a cop had said, insinuated, and through his monumental ass-hattery, generally implied? If either of them  _deserved_ something like that, it was clearly him and his particularly awful brand of Lothario-ness. 

He really had no idea what to say, so held her as close as he could, pulling her onto his lap- she acquiesced easily, while he was trying to just think and come up with an idea. 

“Rory, I know that right now you’re hurting a million ways and you’re trying to figure out why all of this happened and I know that I don’t know what to do or say to help. But come on, you have to know that _none of this_ is at all your fault- it can’t be. What happened to you was because a very sick person broke into your apartment and hurt you for the sick pleasure of wanting to hurt someone. I can’t make anymore sense of it than that, I can’t figure out why you and not someone else, I can’t figure out why anyone would do this at all- it’s a complete mystery about humankind to me. And you know me, I’m not someone I would consider violent, but the last few weeks have tested my philosophy on the subject quite a bit- on violence, on our criminal justice system, on the death penalty- I'm telling you, it’s been a whirlwind inside this head of mine." He breathed in, trying to calm himself down.

“Sorry, none of that matters right now- that tangent was my stuff, not you. I know it’s going to take some time to convince you that that is is in no way your fault. You were not asking for it, nothing you have ever done was an invitation for this to happen to you. I need you to know that.” She couldn’t look at him and she was starting to pull away from him- which he let her do, he wasn’t going to force her to stay close by.

“Rory, maybe we should think about talking to someone- like a counselor or something. There are services and groups we could look into.”

Now she pulled entirely back, looking upset in a different way- angry. 

“No, Logan, we talked about that. I am handling things, I’m getting it all behind me. I just had a bad night, that's bound to happen. I don’t need to be shrinked or shrunked or whatever it is that doctors do- and I can’t go on any kinds of those insane meds, _ I _ want to stay on Tom Cruise’s good side, you know this. I just need time, I need more time. And bourbon- bourbon will help.”

“Ace, come on, why don’t you go to bed and I’ll put on  _ The Office _ and we can sleep.”

“It’s fine, Logan, I’m just going to get a quick drink, it will calm my nerves and I’ll be back to sleep in no time., don’t worry about it.” She got up, he wanted to argue, but he also knew that look on her face- there wasn’t much of a point- that was the voice she used when she just didn’t want to talk. After she left the room he stood up, exhausted and confused and decided to go out the family room, maybe watch some tv or something, she clearly didn’t want him around when she got back. 

When he walked through the door, Christopher was already in there, watching  _ Die Hard 3 _ .

“Hey, man, mind if I join you?” He motioned to the other end of the couch. 

“Yeah, feel free.” They sat there for a few minutes, not laughing at all at Samuel L Jackson, the greatest indicator that neither was really watching. Christopher got up and moved over to his bar, pouring himself a scotch, “Hey, you want one?”

“What is it?”

“Uh, Auchentoshan 3 Wood? I don’t know, a client gave it to me, I have no idea.”

“I don’t know why I asked, it could be paint thinner right now and I’d probably have said yes.”

“Yeah, I know the feeling.” He handed Logan his more than generously full glass before sitting down himself. They tried to watch for a few more minutes before Chris paused the movie. “So, did she talk to you at all?”

“Only to tell me how this is all her fault- cosmic retribution for primarily having dated men who are most charitably described as  _ Top Douchebags of America _ . Did you ever meet any of them?”

“Umm, let’s see- I guess that’s the only remotely positive thing about not having been around nearly as much as I should have been, I was spared from hating every guy that she spoke to. I met her first boyfriend, Dean- he was a nice guy, built her a car. I don’t really know what happened between them. Then that guy Jess was in love with her, he crashed and totaled her car and broke her wrist in the process- I’m still not sure Lorelai is over that one, although he seems to have pulled himself together from what I hear. But Rory was never really Miss Dating Girl… any guy who ever got her interested enough to compete against her books had to be pretty special, right?”

Logan just worked on his scotch, he didn’t know what to say about anything that had happened tonight. He was looking at the golden liquid in his glass, just struggling.

“I brought up the idea of her seeing someone, again.”

“And let me guess how that went.” Logan shook his head before downing the rest of his drink and then crossing over to the bar, gesturing for an ok from Chris for a refill

“You know, this is really good- I’m going to have to remember it, I like it.”

“Yeah, it’s not bad- I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m a Hayden, I’ve never really turned up my nose at any booze, especially booze gifted to me for free.”

“I hear ya, but it’s good.” Logan sat back down and they sat like that, the two men who maybe loved Rory most in the world, who didn’t know what they could possibly do to help.

“So therapy is still a complete non-starter?” 

“That’s how it’s looking, but I don’t know. You know, I recently found out... well, that a really good friend of mine went through something like this, granted not quite as vicious, but still, I doubt it matters to what extent this happened, it just happening is bad enough. Well, it turns out she was just hiding and frozen and not dealing with it at all until she broke down so badly that one of her friends just packed her up and took her to a Center so that she was almost made to talk to someone. I don’t know… it got me thinking… I understand why she doesn’t really want to go, I can’t imagine trying to talk about this and, by the way, I hate that damned Detective- the way he talked to her, the way he made her feel like this was all on her, she doesn't want to talk to anyone else- that was bad enough. Ugh, I really want to kill that guy."  


"Yeah, I mentioned it to her mom, the therapy... She won't push Rory on it. I gotta say, I brought up the idea of counseling when we split up, but was mocked for thoroughly for it- it's not really their thing."

“Look, I’m not necessarily all about sharing one’s personal life with a complete stranger who is getting paid to listen, unless it’s a bartender of course, but I’ve also never been through anything remotely like this. I don’t know how she’s supposed to process and deal with all of this with just the three of us to talk to.”

“Hey, maybe if she would actually talk to any of us about it I’d have a little faith in that plan, but she won’t. What do you think we should do? She talks to Lorelai even less than she talks to either of us- it’s like she doesn’t want to burden her with any of it, she’s more standoffish to her than to either of us.” Chris was having trouble watch how much it was eating at Lorelai that Rory was pushing her away so badly- watching the two women he loved hurting so much was painful. He was interrupted in his thoughts by Logan.

“So, I had a thought- but it could really blow up in my face, so I wanted to run it past you.”

“Hey, at this point I’m Kenny Rogers.”

“Yeah, I think I’m right there with you. So- this person I know who’s been through this… without getting into details, it turns out it’s my sister. Rory really likes her, trusts her, talks to her about stuff- it’s not exactly best friends for life, but they’re close. She went through this about 5 years ago and now she even volunteers at a Center nearby to talk to women going through this, help them move on and move forward.” Chris instantly looked apologetic to Logan, how could this guy have both a sister and a girlfriend who had to experience this?

“Yeah, I know, I only just found out, I haven't really had the time to process and wrap my head around everything with Honor while trying to handle all of this with Rory. Anyways, I was thinking that maybe I could try to arrange for Honor and Rory to get together- when this all happened, I saw her and Honor got it out of me, she’s always seen straight through me and obviously when she found out Rory was attacked and in the hospital she asked some very specific, pointed questions and I hadn’t slept in like 72 hours at that point, she had given me scotch… I wasn’t trying to tell the world her secret.”

“Oh, hey, I'm not upset about her knowing- I think we’re all going to lose our minds if we don’t eventually find someone to talk to.”

“Have you? Found someone to talk to?”

“Yeah, I pay him $300/hour to listen, once a week.”

“That’s a lot to pay a bartender.” Chris smiled, he just really liked this guy, seemed right for his daughter.

“Yeah, well, I insanely insisted on one who’s got a PhD in Psychology.”

“Hey, that’s one classy bar.”

“Well, you know how it goes- more money than sense.”

“So, is it worth bringing Honor in? Do you think that’s going to work, or just blow up in my face?”

“Logan, this has been the 6th out of 8 nights she’s had a nightmare bad enough to wake me up- and I do not wake up easily. Before that, it was every night- I’m sorry, it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I’m starting to think that we might have to try something crazy- it may get her angry as hell at us, but if it helps, I don’t think I care anymore.”

“Well, easy for you to say- you’re her dad, she can’t dump you.” He suggested morbidly. 

“Logan, I know you two are not where you hoped to be right now, but she loves you. I can’t imagine another guy being here for her like this, handling everything so well… Rory is so lucky to have you-  _ I  _ am so lucky she has you, especially right now. And if there is something I can do to help and leave you out of it, I’m happy to try, but this idea seems like our best bet to help her- and right now, I can’t see that much else seems worth bothering over.

“Thanks, I really do appreciate it. I mean, I know Lorelai isn’t necessarily my biggest fan.”

“Hey, Lorelai is the most protective mom you could ever find- Rory isn’t just her daughter, she’s her best friend, that’s quite the double whammy to get around. I get that you two had a rough start- it’s possible that you remind her a little too much of me- right down to the almost too-charming smile, the haircut and the prep school expulsion record, it’s hard for Lorelai to realize that someone like you can actually be different from my worst, most non-present self so don’t take it quite so personally. Believe me when I say it’s a lot more to do with me than you- when she's around you she probably gets flashbacks to stealing clove cigarettes and skipping school to drink vodka straight from the bottle. But, I  _ can _ tell you that she and I have talked, and she’s actually just about as glad that Rory has you in her life as I am. I promise, at this point the past is just water under the bridge."

“Well, in all fairness, the way I recall it, Rory never committed a felony before she met me, so it’s not a giant leap to me equaling the enemy.”

“Yeah, by the way, I never really got that full story, one of these days you will have to explain exactly why I shouldn’t kick your ass.” But Chris was smiling, so Logan was able to respond in kind.

“I promise, but I don’t think it’s particularly indicative of our relationship. Even my father, the biggest bastard you’ll ever meet, would be the first person to tell you she completely changed me, and I’ve never been so happy to be whipped. Ever.”

“Biggest bastard I’ve ever met is a pretty competitive category, did you ever meet Straub Hayden?”

“I can’t say that I ever did, but I think he ran a law firm? I think my dad used him for some of his matters.”

“Hey, it takes one bastard to know another.” They settled back against the couch, scotch mostly finished, movie still on pause. Logan looked over at the clock on the wall, it was almost 2 am. 

“Ok, well, Chris, I think I should go check on Rory- I can’t say I’m loving her new diet of coffee and bourbon, but that’s just me in overly-worried boyfriend mode, I’m sure I’m seriously exaggerating. But I think that I’ve hit the point where I’m ready to call in the big dogs- and Honor is the best solution I’ve got. But before I do, are we in this together?” He looked at Chris, really needing the man’s support to go through with a plan he was this nervous about. 

“Yeah, I think we are. Don’t get me wrong, you’re the one she’s going to not speak to if she is that angry about it, but I have your back, just let me know what you need.”

“Ok, well, unfortunately, Honor is away in St. Maarten for the for week, but I’ll message her and see if I can get her to come by next week once she’s back. We just have to make it another week. But we got this.” And Chris took his hand, shaking it, so happy his daughter had this guy in his life.


	15. Chapter 15

(34 days after)

“I think we should get out of the house tonight.” Logan looked up from his book in surprise. They had been in Hartford for a little over three weeks at this point and they had only left the house a few times- mostly to go to the store, once she had made it to the coffee shop. She had been having her ups and downs, but there had honestly seemed to be a few more ups than downs recently- more good days than bad- fewer nightmares. 

“Really? What do you want to do? Dinner? A movie?” He was so thrilled by this development she could have suggested karaoke or an AA meeting and he’d be on board.

“Let’s go out with Colin and Finn and everyone- let’s go to The Pub.” His eyes got big, that was just about the last thing he expected her to say. Sure, her bruises were totally gone and she was in a brace- only needed a cane, or to be very careful in it if she wore sneakers. 

“Really? Are you sure?” 

“Yeah, I’m totally sure. Why, doesn’t it sound fun to you? I want to get out of here, my cast is off, it’s just a brace now, but if I’m careful I shouldn’t even need the brace.”

“Ace, you can’t go out without your brace yet, the doctor said you could refracture it if you aren’t very careful.”

“Fine, I’ll wear the brace, and the horrible sneakers, but you’re buying.”

“It's a deal. But seriously, are you sure? I mean, I know it’s summer so The Pub will be quieter than usual, but it’s still going to be a lot of people- not to mention, Colin and Finn.”

“But that’s what I want, I want to get out and hang out with people and see my friends, please?” She was using her pouty face that he honestly had never been able to withstand- it was his Kryptonite.

“Alright, just wanted to check, but it sounds good, I’ll call the guys, have them spread the word- Rory Gilmore’s back in town, I guess?” He was a bit nervous, this seemed like a lot all of a sudden.

And three hours later she was sitting in a booth at The Pub on campus, drinking Irish Car Bombs with Finn, and for the first time ever, she was matching him shot-for-shot- this was the girl that happily drank one beer and then nothing but club soda.

“So, Rory, love, what are your plans for this glorious summer? Any chance you’ll be dumping Logan in the next two months and finally give into this Sam-and-Diane, will-they-won’t-they thing we’ve had going on since we met?” She laughed at Finn's quip, a little too loudly, but still, Logan liked hearing her laugh in any way he could have it. He knew Finn was trying to act normal so she wouldn’t know that he knew anything, but it did lead to a few looks over her head as he tried to ask Logan if Rory was ok. Even Finn knew that her trying to keep up drinkwise far out of the norm- she’d never even attempted it before. 

“Nope, sorry, My-te," They all laughed as she tried his Australian accent, "Logan seems to have finally got my mom’s seal of approval, I can’t trade that in now.”

“Ah, yes, how is your stunning mother- I swear, if she would only dye her hair red, I would be her devotee for life.”

“I’ll give her the message-  but she is newly single you know? What do you think, interested in being my new Daddy?” Rory drunkenly batted her eyelashes at the Australian, another thing that rarely happened- when Rory found Finn charming, it was something to worry about.

“Hold up, are you serious, your mom is single?” Colin interjected.

“Yep, she is.”

“And what exactly is her policy on dating charmingly handsome men her daughter’s age?”

“I’m not sure it’s an age thing that would be the problem Colin, not nearly as much as  the fact that she basically loathes you and everything you love.” She was smiling, she was laughing… she knocked back another Car Bomb, slamming the glass on the table.

“God, I love those! They taste like root beer floats and they’re delicious, whoever invented them is an actual, certified genius. I wonder if that person went to Yale. Imagine if they invented that amazingness right here, in  _ our _ very pub, right on campus, wouldn’t that be amazing? A real piece of human history. Not to mention, they make me all tingly.”

“Really love, what else makes you all tingly?” Finn’s eyebrows being raised like that were genuinely upsetting and slightly macabre.

“You know, Finn, some places find it particularly bad form to hit on your best friend’s girlfriend right in front of him.” Logan interjected, eyeing Rory.

“Well I would do it when you aren’t around, but she rarely let’s us be alone together- I blame our raw sexual magnetism, she doesn't trust herself around me.”

“Sound policy, Gilmore, never let yourself be alone with Finn- more women should adopt it.” Colin piped in. “So, is it time for the next round?”

“Oooh, it’s on me, it’s my turn- who wants shots? I’m thinking tequila.” Rory scrambled to her feet, not well, but didn’t actually fall while she raised her hand so everyone at the table knew who was buying.

“ _ Literally on you _ ? Because it wouldn’t be right for you to tease me like that love.” Rory just rolled her eyes at him and headed off to the bar. Logan got up to follow her, worried- he had no issue with having some fun, drinking a bit-hell, even copiously, but he didn't think he'd ever seen her take to drinking like it was her job. She occasionally got a bit wasted, accidentally- he didn't know if he'd ever seen her do more than one or two shots in a night- he was pretty sure that with the car bombs, she was already at 6 or 7.

“Hey, Ace, are you sure you want to do more shots?” With how she'd been going, adding tequila to the fire seemed dangerous.

“Oh come on Logan, when did you become so stodgy and difficult and fusty? We’re celebrating!”

“We are? What are we celebrating?”

She drunkenly motioned around her as though it was obvious. “You know… this- all of this. Life, the Universe, Everything! My graduation, my mom finally left Dad’s and returned to Stars Hollow… what does it matter? Just hop on board or hop off, Huntzberger!” She got her 4 shots and slammed back two before heading back to the table and, handing Finn one with the lime and salt, and they toasted each other before downing them. Finn looked back at Logan, wondering what they should do- he was trying hard to make sure Rory didn't know that he knew anything, but she seemed to be losing control awfully fast and it had them both concerned.

“You know, once my mom got so wasted on Founder’s Punch- it’s Miss Patty’s secret recipe, but I’m almost positive it contains _actual_ battery acid _and_ Nyquil, like that thing in _The Simpsons_ \- the Flaming Moe- and we were at a bar and she ended up ON the bar, dancing and singing Coyote Ugly style- it was _amazing._ Of course, I had to stop her when she took off her top, before the bra was gone.” Her eyes got wide and she got really excited, it was a lightbulb turning on instantly. “Maybe that’s what I should do- are there actually Coyote Ugly bars? Is that a real thing? I mean, I’m clearly never going to get a job in journalism or anything- despite the fact that I was Valedictorian at Chilton, then Editor at the Yale Daily News… I have a degree from Yale… I mean, I’m smart- like, you guys don’t even know how smart I am… seriously, I  _ right now _  I could kick all your asses in _Trivial Pursuit_ , hands down. Oooh, we should play, I have like 7 editions, including the most recent Genus and 1990’s version… and the Disney one, but that’s mostly ironic- my mom thought it was funny. But hey, what does having an actual paying job matter, right? I mean, I have a trust fund too- I mean, I have no idea what’s in there, I’m not even entirely sure what a trust fund is, but come on, a lifetime commitment and dedication to being a journalist doesn’t matter- who cares? Life is full of rocky starts and bumps and trips and rocks in the middle of the path and… you know… stuff... like animal carcasses and fallen branches and other things that just send you flying, way off the path, so that when you land and you're looking for the path, you're like, 'Hey, the path is all the way over there!' 

“Because what is happening in Journalism anyways? I mean, what does it say about someone with _my_ brains  _ choosing _ to go into a field as obsolete and ridiculous as journalism?. Come on, thanks to Twitter and the Blogosphere… podcasts… Zines… are Zines even still a thing? what am I doing with my life? What paper in the country is hiring journalists? So maybe, my Grandmother is right, maybe I should just marry someone rich and hurry up on the having kids thing so that any kind of prenup is completely in my favor- I mean, that’s a life, no? It can’t be that bad, right? I could be good at that life- Trophy Wife… Mom… it could work for me, don’t you think?”

At this point even Colin was looking back and forth between her and Logan, silently asking if she was alright and Logan did not know what to do about it. Finn grimaced but seemed a bit more stoic than Logan, but only just barely.

“Hey, Ace, why don’t we go get you some coffee? Or maybe some water? You know, I bet your dad’s house has incredible water  _ and  _ coffee, we should go check it out.” But she turned back to the others as Logan put his arm around her and tried to move her out of the restaurant.

“Oh my God- we should go to the beach! We should just get in the car and drive until we hit water- either coast, we’ll flip a coin, it doesn’t matter. I’ll write it down and one of these days it will be a movie like  _ Finding Arizona _ , or maybe it could be a country song, it sort of sounds like a country song, don't you think? And then finally the things we have done will be immortalized!” Logan threw some bills at Finn, looking back to see Finn's concern and Colin who was torn between totally entertained and concerned' that was the effect Rory had on people- their first instinct was love/concern, second was entertainment because she was almost always brilliant and hilarious- even when at her absolute worst. 

“Ok, well, let's hash that out while we find you some coffee, alright?” 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The door to their shared bedroom shut behind them and Rory giggled, throwing her arms around Logan’s neck, kissing him warmly, albeit a bit sloppily on the lips. He moaned just a bit as he leaned in, kissing her back. This was by far the closest they had been in over a month, he had missed kissing her so much. She ran her tongue against his bottom lip, causing him to open his and allow her tongue in, as he danced against hers, and she was smiling. After a few minutes of making out like it was the first few weeks they had been together- he had to admit this was actually surprisingly fun and hot, when had they stopped just making out?

And then Rory started pushing her hands up his shirt, wanting to feel his skin, before she started grabbing at his belt buckle, trying to unbuckle it- moving her fingers under his waistband while smiling deviously. As much as he was enjoying all of the physicality, he grabbed at her hands, trying to keep it light. 

“Hey, now, Ace,  _ you _ are wasted. How about we get you to bed right about now, what do you say?” 

“Well, Mr. Huntzberger”, she reached up to give him another deep but somewhat sloppy kiss, “That’s  _ exactly _ what I was hoping you would say.” She walked backwards towards the bed, trying to pull him with her, her knees hit the bed, making her fall backwards, pulling him down on top of her. “Come on, Logan, you know you want me- and you know that it will be fun- it’s always fun, and I feel like you still owe me my graduation present, don’t you think?” She started kissing his neck, just as sloppily as before, arms around him- she seemed anxious, he seemed reticent, what was happening? They had always been so natural together.

But, again, he pulled back from her. “Ace, come on, you should probably have some water and just go to bed, you're going to have one hell of a headache in the morning.” But then she used her pouty face again, asking,

“Oh, come on, when did you stop being fun?”

“I’m still plenty of fun, I just think that maybe you should be in a condition to remember that fun in the morning.” 

"Come on, Logan, I promise I'll remember, please, it's been forever." She was still trying to get at his belt and it was taking a lot of restraint to continue to say no.

"Ace, come on, I just don't think that this is the right time, the right way. We need to talk about it, I mean, you've been through alot and i want to make sure that you're ready." Shit. The second he said it he knew it was a big mistake.

“Oh, is that what it is? You don’t want to fuck me because I’m spoiled? I’m damaged goods? What happened to the guy who would screw anything that walked past him in a skirt?”

“What? Hey, you know that isn’t it. Come on, Rory, how can you think that?” 

“Because it’s obviously true!” She sobbed. “That bastard fucking ruined me, ruined  _ us _ ! You don’t want to touch me anymore?  Fine, don’t touch me. I mean, before we met, you would pretty much fuck any pretty girl that walked by and waved, but now, in the wake of what happened, nope, you don't even want to kiss me or _anything_ … I mean, sure, it makes sense, I’m a mess, why should you want to be near me? I’m pretty sure bruises, scrapes, a broken leg and all kinds of emotional baggage hardly play into the Logan Huntzberger life plan. So don’t worry about me, I’m a big girl- hell, I’m a Gilmore, there’s no reason for you to worry about me at all- I’ve been taking care of myself for years, so stop worrying about me. I’m fine. You can just go and get the fuck out.”

“I’m not going to do that! Come on, Rory, who do you think I am? I know that you’re hurt and you’re upset, and you absolutely should be, you went through something more awful than I can imagine! But, you’re also drunk and you're saying things that you don't mean. So don’t do this, don’t push me away. I love you, and no matter what, I’m here for you. I think what you really need is just a good night’s sleep and then tomorrow we can talk about…”

“Oh really, Logan? You think that’s all it takes? Just one more night of good sleep and everything will be ok? One good night’s sleep and it will be like nothing ever happened, that’s all I have to do, really? Are you serious? Why don’t you just get the hell out of here- ok?  _ Just fucking leave! _ ” She screeched it so loud that were Paul Anka still there that night, he may have been the only one to hear her.

Logan stood frozen, unsure of what to do- he didn’t want to leave her like this, but he also wanted to make sure he didn’t upset her too much by refusing to listen to her. He knew that she needed to feel like she was in control.

“The only thing that I know right now is that you’re hurting and that I love you. And it’s clear that you drank a bit too much. And it’s not because I don’t love you, and it's not that I don’t _desperately_ want you, but I’m going to crash on the couch in the family room tonight. I hope you feel better in the morning.” And with that, Logan grabbed his sweatpants and a pillow and left the room, hoping he was doing the right thing as he left the room. 

Despite the fact that it was almost 1 in the morning, he began typing a message to his sister. 

“Hey, hope St. Maarten was great- we should definitely take the yacht there sometime. Anyways, things with Rory have definitely gotten worse, I think it’s time to pull out the big guns- meaning you. She’s going to be angry that I told you anything, but I’m willing to risk that right now. When can you come by?” He hit send and then turned on the tv, finding an Archer marathon to fall asleep to.

He woke up the next morning to a few texts.

Finn: Hey, want to make sure our girl is alive today- she was definitely in rare shape last night. Let me know if either of you need anything.

Colin: Wow, Gilmore was epic last night, I had no idea- we should get her wasted way more often, she’s hilarious! By the way, is it true her hot mom is single? I’d thankfully take her number if you have it.

Honor: We actually head back tomorrow, how about I pick her up for lunch around noon on Monday? Tell me what I should know. I’ll try not to throw you under the bus. You're a good guy, Logan, try to remember that.

Robert (Zing!): Hey, we got your email about the girlfriend, sorry to hear. Working semi-remotely in beginning should be fine. We’ll call Monday to work out details. Can you manage 1 week away soon to meet the office? When do you think move is possible/likely?

Det. Noonan: No update on Gilmore case. DNA to be tested within 6 weeks, without match, we have no suspects. Will let you know if it changes. No need to keep checking in.


	16. The Doctor Is In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lorelai finds someone to talk to.

(35 days after)

_ Knock. Knock. Knock. _

Lorelai opened her front door to find Luke standing there, his hands on his back pockets, looking worried. 

“Luke? Hi. Uh, I wasn’t expecting you.”

“Well, why would you be? I didn’t exactly tell you that I was coming over or anything.”

“Right, but, it’s fine. You know, it's fine that you did- you know, come over. I mean, we’re friends.”

“Right, exactly. Well, anyways, I wanted to stop by and ask how Rory is doing. I mean, I was wondering if she needs anything- not that I can necessarily do that much, but if she did need something and I could help with that, then I wanted you to know that I’m here for her. And for you.” They hadn't really talked since her meltdown on the sidewalk a few weeks ago- she came in for coffee and he would try to ask questions, see how Rory is doing, but Lorelai was more than a little evasive on the topic. 

“Oh, uh, thanks. Rory is doing better- she’s actually out of her cast and everything, just a brace now. She hates it, she’s being stubborn about it. Chris and Logan are trying to make her wear it, but the shoes she has to wear it with are pretty ugly, so it’s kind of a losing battle, you know how it is. We like our shoes.

"Yes, I remember.” There was a moment of mostly awkwar silence between them.

“So, any word on when she’ll be back? I mean, does she need anything done around here- I don’t know if she needs like a ramp or a bigger doorway or something so that she’s more comfortable here? If she needed anything like that, I could probably get it done for you guys, pretty quickly.”

“Umm, I don’t think that she’s going to need anything like that, but thanks for the offer. It's really sweet.”

“Yeah, well I just thought that if there was a reason she wasn’t back already, you know if it had to do with the house, maybe I could help. But it’s not about the house?”

“No, it’s not about the house- I think she’s just really loving all of the space she has at her dad’s… and it does make sense for her to spend some time there, the room is bigger for her and for Logan, it’s a bit closer to the City and all that, I think she’s got a bunch of interviews and stuff that she has to go in for, you know? And, uh, they might be planning a trip, to… I think they might be going to California. Logan is interviewing for some stuff out there, so they may be going to California.” God, she hated this, she hated lying to Luke, of all people, but the fact of the matter was that while Rory would respond to texts and pick up the phone when Lorelai called, she was very tight lipped on just about all topics- just shutting her out of everything and Lorelai didn't have any real information she could share. 

“Oh, sure, I mean, that makes sense, she’s probably really focused on job stuff and I guess on Logan stuff… What’s going on there, did he propose yet? Did she say yes? Are they moving to California?” That would certainly explain why Lorelai was so moody and quiet lately, if Rory was moving all the way across the country and marrying Limo Boy, that would certainly put the woman in a bit of a funk. 

“Umm, no, no proposal yet- I think he’s going to wait a little bit, you know, see how things kind of work out with the job stuff and the finding a place to live stuff… let some things settle.”

“Oh, well, that sounds good- smart. They should let things settle, you know, let the chips fall where they may.”

“Yeah, he’s a good guy- I’m happy for them.”

“Happy for them to  _ not  _ be engaged?” He asked her with a puzzled expression.

“No, that’s not what I meant.” She pushed her hair back behind her ear, feeling a bit caught out, totally unsure what to say, as she looked down at her watch. “Oh, crap- I uh, I have to go… I have an appointment I have to get to… Sorry about that.”

“No, hey, that’s ok, like you said, you weren’t expecting me. I just wanted to check in on you, and on Rory. Can you make sure next time you see her that you, uh… well, give her a hug from me, ok? Tell her we miss her and can’t wait to see her?”

Lorelai was touched, this man was always so there for her, for Rory, it was amazing. She smiled back at him while nodding. “Yes, I will absolutely let her know. And thanks, Luke- it was nice of you to come by.” He just nodded in response and walked off, worried about Lorelai- she was clearly losing a little weight and a lot of sleep. 

Lorelai watched as he walked away, wishing she could talk to him, but she couldn't. She looked down at her watch again, hoping she wasn’t going to be late. She grabbed her purse and keys and climbed into her jeep, making her way to her appointment.

********************************************************************************************

“Lorelai? Are you ready?” 

“Oh, yeah, absolutely.” She breathed in, gathering up her stuff, putting down her  _ Us Weekly  _ magazine and following the doctor into the room. She sat on the couch, arranging her skirt around her, fiddling with her necklace as Doctor Prunier sat in her chair and grabbed a notepad.

“So, Lorelai, here we are, the third visit. How are you feeling today? Anything happen since I saw you last?” 

“Uh-oh, the famous third visit, is that the visit where we kiss or the one where we sleep together?” She laughed awkwardly, still not feeling at all comfortable around the therapist- or with the general concept of being in therapy.

“Sorry, I'm afraid that’s my other business.” Points to the doc, she seemed able to roll with Lorelai’s special brand of crazy, winking at the incredibly stupid attempt at a joke. “I more so wanted to try and get a sense for how you think this is going, whether you think this is starting to help? Are you starting to feel a bit more comfortable being here? I know that when we started you weren’t very comfortable with, I think you said, ‘bitching and moaning and pouring feelings out to a complete and total stranger’- but this is our 3rd session in two weeks, so tell me, how are you feeling these days?”

“Umm, I’m fine, I’m feeling fine. I mean, it’s a little bit weird that it _ feels _ so weird to talk to you, come on, you’re a licensed professional, it shouldn't be so weird. Because, let me tell you, if you were pouring drinks right now, I’d probably have told you my entire life story at this point, I don't really know why, but I have a tendency to spill my guts to bartenders. But it feels weird to come here, to an office and sit here on this really nice couch and tell you all my deepest thoughts and emotions. Hey, that’s a thought, have you ever thought about pouring drinks for your clients? Not to say I need to be drunk to see you, but a martini or two sure wouldn’t hurt the process, you know?” The doctor smiled encouragingly at her. 

“Yeah, I get that a lot. But why don’t we see if maybe we can do this without the martinis? Tell me, how is Rory doing?”

“She’s uh… she’s fine, I think. I’ve only seen her a few times in the last week. She… well, she doesn’t seem to really want me around much. And even when I am around she’s just really quiet, withdrawn. Mostly she spends a lot of time in her room, not talking to anyone really. But I guess she’s sending out lots of resumes, trying to get a job figured out, and I think she’s been reading a lot- she tends to do that when she's going through stuff, it's always been a good escape for her. We tried having a movie night last week- got all the snacks and candy and put in Monty Python, but she wasn’t really paying attention. I mean, she was there, in the room, on the couch and the they were talking to the French guys, which is like her favorite part of the movie, but she wasn't even smiling- she just kind of seemed zoned out. Then, right aroun the part with the Wizard and _You Shall Not Pass_ , she just stood up and said she was tired and going to sleep. That was it. She left.”

“That must have been hard for you.”

“Uh, yeah. I mean, movie nights are our thing- we can take any move from the good to the bad to the so bad they’re amazing and we’ll watch and rewind favorite scenes and we’ll rewrite dialogue or make up subtext, it’s always been our thing when we’re stressed out or really happy or sad or we just want to hang out, movie night is the answer. I don’t think we’ve ever had a flop of a movie night before.”

“Did you try talking to her about it?”

“Not that night, I figured I’d give her some space- we’re all trying really hard to let her come to us. But she’s barely spoken to me since then- I’ll message her and get back one syllable answers of yes, no, ok. In the meantime, she’s still staying at her dad’s house, which is great. I mean, he wasn’t really around all that much growing up- constantly in and out of her life, so it feels a bit weird to me that he's the one she goes running to for help with this… but you know, I guess it’s good that she feels safe there. Even if I don’t understand why she doesn’t feel safe at home, in her room that she grew up in, in the tiniest, safest, most supportive town on the planet where pretty much everyone thinks of her as family and would do just about anything for her.”

“So she still doesn’t want to come back to Stars Hollow with you?”

“Nope. It’s pretty much a non-starter of a conversation- I try to bring it up, or I tell her Miss Patty was asking about her or that her godson, Davey, misses her and she just clams up, getting really upset and she won’t talk anymore, at all.”

“Any thoughts on why that might be?”

“I don’t know… I mean, I understood it when she was still pretty bruised and on crutches and all of that. Come on, the downside of our charming little town where everyone acts like we’re family is that everyone asks questions and gossips and I understood that she didn’t want to be talked about or pitied or really to draw much attention to herself at all. But now that she’s pretty much all healed, she still refuses to even come by for a visit. Apparently she would prefer to hang out in Hartford with her dad and Logan and all of her other awesome friends.”

“Well is she?”

“Is she what?”

“Is she going out at all in Hartford, is she socializing?”

“Ummm, I don’t think so- not really. I mean, she’s been to the coffee shop a few times I think, and Physical Therapy, but I guess she’s mostly staying in. But, why can't she just stay in in Stars Hollow?”

“Well, it sounds like that’s not entirely possible- you said people will come by and ask her questions and want to catch up and chat and see her- she’ll be asked to go to Luke’s and the bookstore and hang out with friends… not exactly the quiet anonymity Hartford gives her, is it?” That made Lorelai pause as she turned that idea around in her head. It made sense, she of all people knew that Stars Hollow was not a place to go if you wanted to avoid people, and Rory had been so quiet and closed off lately, even without visible bruises and a cast on her leg, she’d draw attention as people tried to figure out what was wrong, what could they do to help. So maybe it was fair that she didn’t want to come back yet.

“But why can’t she just talk to me about it?”

“About not wanting to come back to Stars Hollow? Or about what happened to her and what she’s going through now?”  _ Touche, Dr. Prunier. _

“At this point I feel like I’d be happy if she would just talk to me about anything- about the job search, about physical therapy, about the latest book she’s reading… just about anything would be nice right now. I go over there and it’s just stilted silence in between my ramblings about the Inn or about whatever Kirk has been doing lately or the rumors going around about Brangelina… We’ve always been able to talk, no matter what happened. I mean, there was that big fight when she slept with Dean and then went to Europe for the summer, but we got past that. And then last year there was the estrangement, but again, we moved past it and we’ve been stronger than ever, closer than ever. And now, this bigger than big thing has happened, and she’s devastated and broken and grieving and she refuses to come to me, to let me help her! I’m her mom _and_ I’m her best friend, why can’t she come to me?” At this point Lorelai was crying trying to stay calm enough to talk, but she had to admit that this just hurt. 

“Look, I’m not crazy, and I know that I probably sound ridiculously self-centered here, I mean,  _ she _ was assaulted, not me. But for 22 years, just about everything I ever did was to help her, to give her a better life, to show her how unconditionally she was loved. And then, when it all comes down to it, when its all tested, she just runs away from me and that hurts!” The doctor was scribbling on the notepad- probably something along the lines of  _ “narcissistic tendencies, overbearing, helicopter mom… kind of a bitch.”  _

“Lorelai, I know that this hurts, and it’s ok that that you feel this way- it’s normal for a parent to  _ want _ their child to come and talk to them and let them help. But, it’s also not uncommon for a victim of sexual assault to push away people they’re close to. Tell me, what happened when she was in the hospital, didn't she ask for you?” Lorelai’s mind flashed back to that night almost a little over a month ago, trying to remember exactly what happened.

“Umm, yeah, I was the first person she asked for- I was there while they did the exams and everything, holding her hand. But then… then after that all she wanted was Logan, and when she came out of her coma she would talk to Christopher and to Logan, not much, but it was something- all while she just kept avoiding me.”

“Well, let’s try and think about it from Rory’s point of view. This  _ horrible _ thing happens, she’s scared and in a lot of pain and she asks for her Mom, makes perfect sense. Then, her mom comes back and is there while she goes through the second most horrifying part of the entire experience- the SAFE kit collection. I’ve overseen a few of those, I did an internship in grad school at a Crisis Center and I would go and meet with victims at the hospital and help them through the process. I’ve seen how devastating they can be- not only have you been through this brutal trauma, but now you’re laid bare and exposed to a bunch of complete strangers as they touch you, looking for DNA, looking for evidence that you fought back, they take pictures of your injuries- internally and externally… And they do all of this because your word isn’t good enough, it feels like they don’t  _ believe you _ , they don’t  _ trust you _ .  I’ve worked with women over the years who have said it’s like being assaulted all over again.

“And through all of this, Rory needed the strength that you gave her to get through it- and it sounds like you did a great job there, because she did complete it, a lot of women don’t. But it also means you were a witness to the worst thing that ever happened to her, that  _ you _ saw her weak, vulnerable, dirty, used…” Lorelai went to protest those words but the doctor stopped her. “We both know that’s not what you were thinking, but I’d wager it’s how she felt.”

“So what you’re saying is that she’s pushing me away because she thinks I think all of that about her?”

“I can’t say for sure without talking to Rory, but I think it’s a real possibility. Right now it isn’t that you don’t make her feel safe or she doesn’t love you, but she’s feeling ashamed and broken you’re the person who saw her that way. She may even feel guilty, like she let you down, that she should have been stronger and fought harder or maybe she should have been smarter and somehow avoided it all… it’s hard to say, but those are pretty common thought processes in this situation. No matter how smart a woman is, she always thinks that it was her fault in the end, she could have done something to avoid what happened.”

“Ok, so how I do tell her that I don’t think that, I don’t feel that way, I just want to help? I mean, she’s my little girl, she’s my best friend and she’s going through the worst thing in the entire world and I can’t do anything to fix it, I can’t help, and she is turning to everyone other than me.  I can help her, if she’ll just talk to me!” Dr. Prunier gave a sad smile and shook her head.

“Unfortunately, this is really about her, how she’s processing and dealing with it- I don’t have a fix for you. I can help you come up with ways to handle your emotions in the meantime, but for her? All you can really do is make sure she knows that you love her and support her and when she’s ready, she can come to you. But you can’t push her on this one- she’s already been through an event in which she had literally no control, no power, so right now she needs to be given as much control and power back as possible and be patient with her and trust that in time, she will come to you.”

And then, as Lorelai took another tissue from the box next to the chair she was sitting in she just looked up timidly, nervous about the answer as she asked, 

“But what if she doesn’t?”

 


	17. Discoveries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OK guys, I think this is basically what we're going to consider "bottom", we're still going to have a rocky road going forward, but things will be heading in a positive, upward trajectory from here on out. I promise.

The afternoon their fight, Rory still hadn’t talked to Logan. The door was shut and when he asked if he could come in she had not so politely invited him to go fuck himself and then cried herself back to sleep for two hours. 

She wasn’t really mad at him, she knew he was just trying to be a good guy- he  _ was _ a good guy. She just couldn’t stand feeling this way anymore and she wasn’t sure she could handle putting  _ him _ through much more- she saw the pain and the hurt in his eyes when she broke down, when she woke up from a nightmare in a panic, when she pushed him away because the thought of being touched in that moment made her feel physically ill. She was starting to think that the best thing to do was to just get him to break up with her- none of this was fair to him, he was far too brilliant and beautiful and sweet- he should be out there, having fun and spending time with his friends and dating and having sex and all of that- things that she believed she would never feel like ever doing again. 

She had tried so hard last night to go out and feel normal again, to just hang out with her boyfriend and his best friends, have a few drinks and laugh and joke… But she wasn’t normal, not anymore. Every time someone moved a little too quickly out of the corner of her eye, she fought the urge to flinch; whenever someone slammed a glass on the table or the bar she recalled being hit across the face with a book; then when the bartender had poured the shots of tequila, she caught a whiff of something- a cologne maybe, and it smelled like _him_ and she fought the urge to be sick, choosing instead to throw back two shots immediately, trying to chase away the memory of that scent. She almost felt sick now, just thinking about it. But she was brought out of the moment as her phone buzzed. Great, a text from her mom.  _Another_ one. 

_ Mom: Hey hon, just checking on you. Hazy Days of Summer Fest is coming together, no barbershop music this time, but Tayler was asking around about Bluegrass bands… should be interesting. Let me know if you want me to grab tickets for you and Logan.  _

Rory just sighed with frustration as she punched in “ok” and hit send, before checking the time. It was 11:30- she should probably get up, take a shower, start working on the job hunt, but that thought made her even more depressed. She was so sick of sending off a resume and getting those form rejection letters,  _ “Thank you, but unfortunately we are not hiring at this time. Go find a job that isn’t on the brink of being obsolete, you idiot.”  _ She supposed instead of that soul-crushing activity, she could watch something on her laptop, but she was sick of everything she had on DVD. She looked over at her stack of books, but she hadn’t really been able to concentrate on them at all- she read the words, but couldn’t say what was happening, hell, she probably couldn’t even name the characters. 

Frustrated she got out of bed and went to the dresser, trying to find something to wear. She pulled out item after item, but everything seemed wrong- she wanted to change her outfit, but she couldn’t find anything she wanted to put on. She pulled out a pair of yoga pants and a stack of tank tops and t-shirts, but they were all so fitted, much too fitted for her tastes right now. She finally found a pair of sweatpants that were fairly loose on her frame- she barely even registered that she had to pull the drawstring at the waist considerably tighter than she used to, but they hid just about everything she wanted hidden. Now, she couldn’t find a shirt, her Yale hoodie was a good size on her, but it was in the wash, she’d practically been living in it.

Eventually she decided to just steal something from Logan, he had a collection of shirts from concerts he’d been too that were really worn in and soft and would be big enough she didn’t feel like she was on display. She started rifling through his drawers, looking for the Green Day one she thought he’d washed a few days ago when something caught her eye- in the very back of the drawer was something in a sock- she knew she was snooping, but but didn’t really care as she reached into the white tube and pulled out a blue, velvet box. Before she knew what she was doing she opened it and saw the most beautiful diamond ring she had ever seen- it was huge, it had sapphires in the band and it kind of looked like something straight out of an F Scott Fitzgerald novel- seriously, Daisy Buchanen could have been wearing it all over Great Neck. 

_ This is an engagement ring. This is an engagement ring in Logan’s drawer. Logan was going to propose. _ Her brain was really kicking into overdrive as the meaning of all this came clear. Logan had been planning to propose, but then he hadn’t. She looked at the box and printed in the cream silk inside the box was the name of a jeweler and their San Francisco address… Logan had bought this on his trip to San Francisco almost two months ago. And he hadn’t proposed. Of course not, because he had wanted to, and then all of this had happened and now? She was broken- he couldn’t possibly want to marry her now- she was a fucking mess. His family already hated her, they didn’t think she was good enough to marry Logan, what in the world would they think about her now? Nope, now she was spoiled goods, she was damaged and gross and filthy. Not to mention, absolutely fucking insane- can't go longer than 4 hours without randomly breaking down sobbing, can't sleep through the night without waking in a cold sweat... Fuck, she couldn't even get Logan to kiss her, not really.

She started to feel the signs of an impending panic attack- the bitter taste in her mouth, the shakiness of her hands and the way her breath was picking up as she got dizzy and more than a bit nauseous. She was crying and trying to breathe as she moved to the nightstand where her medicine for panic attacks was. She took a pill, and then another- she didn’t have water in the room, but there was a ¼ full bottle of bourbon she could wash it down with.

She closed her eyes and thought about what could have been- Logan taking her out for an amazing dinner, ordering champagne, getting down on one knee and asking her to marry him. She cried even harder as she could see how nervous he would have been, but then when she said yes and he gave her the ring and he would stand up and kiss her and they would have champagne… then they would go back to the apartment or a hotel or something and they would get completely caught up in their passion and they would make love for hours in celebration… 

What was she supposed to do now? Knowing what could have been, how was she supposed to get past any of this? She was so tired and so sick of thinking about everything, so done with feeling this way- knowing she was such a mess, she was genuinlely losing her mind… She should have fought harder- she had just frozen there, letting him just take her, she should have tried harder to kick him, or screamed for help- something! And what was she even thinking, meeting a complete stranger from the internet in her apartment, all by herself? She went to Yale for fucks sake, she was so much smarter than that- what the hell was wrong with her? It was no wonder it had happened, she did everything you weren’t supposed to do- it was like she had treated those stupid _Lifetime_ movies her mom was so obsessed with like a  _ How To  _ guide, not a cautionary tale. 

She sat there on her bed, nursing the bourbon and realized suddenly that she was so tired-  but didn’t want to go back to sleep, it was more than that- she felt exhausted in her soul- that couldn't just be slept off. Not to mention, sleeping just made the dreams come, where she had to she relive every second of the attack. Sometimes it was even longer or more brutal or he really did kill her. And then there were the ones where Logan or her mom or her Dad were watching in the corner, not doing anything to help as she begged them to make him stop. But usually, if she finally broke down and took a sleeping pill, the dreams didn’t come- she could get 7 or 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep… 

She looked down at the ring again and cried more, wondering for the millionth time if she was ever going to be truly cried out. She tried to wipe away the tears, but what was the point, more were coming. She closed the ring box and returned it to the sock in the drawer, taking out one of Logan’s shirts and putting it on. She looked back at the bed, maybe she did need some more sleep- something to take her mind off how badly her life was ruined. She pulled open her nightstand drawer and found the bottle of sleeping pills, a few of these, and she’d be out like a light. 

She took two, washing them down with the bourbon, not sure if she was supposed to take those with the anxiety meds…  _ fuck it, who cares?   _ She took a few more, she hadn’t been this upset in a while, it wasn’t going to go away quickly or easily. Her phone vibrated again, another message. 

_ Lane: Hey, haven’t heard from you in a while, Steve and Kwon miss their Aunt Rory, any chance of a visit soon? I can even come to Hartford if you want?  _

And there was a picture attached, a picture of the twins in matching onesies from the baby shower- they said _Thing One_ and _Thing Two_ and the babies were smiling and it was so sweet… and Rory cried even harder because all of a sudden she _knew_ that she would never have that- she would never get married, have children… she couldn’t even leave her room most days. And Logan? Logan had been so sweet but he had to be so sick of her by now, she knew he had to have one foot out the door, soon she was going to be totally and completely alone. 

And suddenly, all Rory wanted was for these feelings and these thoughts to stop- she wanted quiet inside of her head, she felt like there were tiny people inside her head just screaming at her and yelling and she just couldn’t take it anymore, she just wanted 6 hours of peace and quiet! Before she knew what she was doing she poured out three more of the sleeping pills and downed them with the rest of the bourbon, just hoping for a little calm. 

******************************************************

Since Rory had told him to go fuck himself earlier he had been trying to give her time to calm down before he went and got some clothes to change into. He had tried to distract himself in Chris’ gym/weight room- running a few miles on the treadmill, lifting weights- he thought about going for a swim, but he’d need his suit for that, and it was in her room. 

Chris was working in his study, reminding Logan he needed to start hammering out some details with the _Zing!_  team about when he’d start, he was hoping that another week or two of him focusing on Rory and he could head out for a week in California, get to know everyone around the office, maybe put down a deposit on a house… he hadn’t really talked to Rory yet about moving- he didn’t want to push her or make her feel pressured, and if she needed more time to recover before moving, that was fine. For a while he could commute to the City to work on deals out here and make the occasional trip to Palo Alto when necessary; Rory could stay with Chris or with Lorelai while he was gone. He was really starting to feel like they could get through this. 

Last night had been bad- he didn’t think he had ever seen her  _ that _ drunk. And then when they got back and she had been all hands, and it had almost killed him to restrain himself because the truth was he  _ did  _ miss her, he missed kissing her, he missed sex with her- sex with Rory was absolutely unlike any other sex he had ever had in his life. She was spontaneous and fun and adventurous, he didn’t think he’d ever genuinely laughed during sex before her- it was joyful. She was also the only person in his life he’d ever made love to- _that_  was almost indescribable. 

But last night, she had been wasted and it would have been so wrong to take advantage of that. Besides, he really didn’t think she was ready for that, he’d been trying to read up online, other significant others’ of Survivors and there were so many stories of pushing too fast, too soon… he didn't think he had any delusions, it was going to take  along time for them to recapture the intimacy and the fun and the joy of what they had before- but it was worth it,  _ she _ was worth it. So he would continue to be patient, he would wait. Wow, it was a little sad, but he didn’t think he’d gone this long without sex since he was 16, and it sucked. But, he’d deal because _she_ was all that mattered. 

Blech, he smelled from his workout, it was time to shower and get dressed for the day.  It had been a few hours since he’d last tried knocking, maybe she was ready to let him in now. 

************************************************************

_ Knock. Knock.  _

“Hey, Ace, can I come in?” He thought he heard something on the other side of the door but he couldn’t make out what it was- it was too muffled. “What was that? I can’t hear you.”

Again, he heard her voice, but it was so quiet and breathy he didn’t know what she was saying. “I can’t hear you, I’m going to open the door, ok?” He twisted the handle and let himself in, trying to stay at the threshold before she said he could come in.

She was sitting on the bed in baggy sweats and one of his t-shirts, he hair loose around her, and was mumbling something he couldn’t make out while looking at him, but she was looking at him like she didn’t know what she was looking at- it was unfocused, kind of glassy, her pupils were dilated… if he didn’t know any better he’d say she looked like Finn when he was stoned. 

His eyes went to the nightstand and he saw an empty bottle of bourbon and a couple of pill bottles. And there were pills on the floor in front of her bed.  _ Fuck! _ He ran into the room and knelt in front of her on the bed. She looked tired, she was fighting to keep her eyes open and she had obviously been crying, a lot. 

“Hey, Ace, what did you do? What's going on? Did you take some meds?” He was trying really hard to keep panic out of his voice, to stay calm and in control of the situation. She just nodded, mumbling about wanting to sleep, wanting peace and quiet… He put his hands on her the sides of her face, “Stay with me here, Ace. Do you remember what you took? Do you remember how many you took?” She just waved loosely towards the bottles next to the bed, 

“I’m just trying to shleep- I just want some shleep... shleep?" She was slurring, she knew it sounded wrong, but she couldn't fix it. "Anyways, once I shleep, then I can talk.” She felt like her mouth was totally dry and everything seemed to be moving like it was underwater, slow and kind of blurry. He looked at bottles as he pulled out his phone from his pocket, dialing 911.

“911, what is your emergency?”

“I’m here with my girlfriend and it looks like she od-ed on some prescription medicines. We need an ambulance, now!” The dispatcher was trying to keep him calm as she got information from him- the address, what had she taken, how many pills had she taken, when had she taken them? He tried to answer calmly as he ran out of the room, hanging up just as he got to Christopher’s study, barging in without knocking. Christopher looked up from behind his desk and saw Logan’s face and was up and running with him, “Pills, she took too many pills, she’s conscious but incoherent. I called 911, go wait at the door, I’ll see if I can get her to the front of the house and grab the bottles so they know what she took.”

Logan got back to the room and Rory was lying down, looking ill, her eyes closed, she was lightly sweating, but she was still talking softly. He grabbed his wallet and keys, knowing that they were only going to let Chris ride in the ambulance with her, GOD, he was so tired of these damn "family only" rules! Because he was only the boyfriend, he’d have to drive himself over.

“Ok, Ace, we need to get up and get going, the EMTs are on their way and they’re going to help, don’t worry. We’re going to get you to the hospital and have you feeling all better in no time, ok?” He had to half carry her to the front door, she was sleepy and just wanted to stay in bed and sleep- she whined in the way that reminded Logan of when he tried to wake her in the morning and didn’t have coffee in hand and it made him want to smile... If not for the very real fact that this was nothing like that and a cup of coffee was not going to fix anything. 

They got to the living room and sat Rory on the sofa just as the EMT’s pulled up outside. Chris opened the door and was trying to answer as they began firing off questions and one of them began to examine her- checking her pulse, her blood pressure, her reflexes, responsiveness of her pupils… They were trying to ask her questions but she looked like a deer in the headlights, genuinely confused as to what was going on around her and more than a bit scared by the intrusion. The other EMT- Schroeder according to his name badge- Logan smiled at how Rory would make a joke about Peanuts, but was almost instantly pulled out of it when he realized the man was asking questions.

“When did you discover Ms. Gilmore? What made you suspect she took the pills?” Schroeder was taking notes on his clipboard as the third EMT was bringing in the stretcher from the ambulance. Logan was having trouble looking anywhere but at Rory- she looked so pale and strange- she literally couldn’t seem to focus her eyes and she was struggling to answer basic questions, like her birthday and the name of her town. Logan realized the EMT was waiting for answers.

“Oh, uh, about 5, maybe 10 minutes ago. I don’t know- as soon as I figured it out I called 911. I was coming into the room to change my clothes and she was mumbling on the bed and just looked… well, she looked stoned.” And let’s be honest, if anyone knew what stoned looked like, it was Logan. “I noticed that there was an empty bottle of bourbon next to her bed, it was at least ½ full last night." That one really made Christopher wince. "Then I saw the pill bottles, this one was open and I think there were a few pills on the floor around her bed.” He held up the bottles and the EMT took them, writing them down and calling over to the other EMTs who were in the process of helping Rory onto the stretcher and strapping her in.

“Does she have a history of suicidal thoughts or tendencies?”

“No, but uh, she has been recovering from a pretty traumatic event over the last month, that’s why they prescribed her the medications.”

“Is she allergic to any medications?” Christopher and Logan looked at each other, realizing they weren’t entirely sure.

“I don’t think so, but I can call her mother and double check.” The EMT just nodded at the father as he stepped away to make yet another call that was going to destroy Lorelai. 

“Did you want to ride with us or follow in your car?” Logan was so busy looking at Rory in the bed and Christopher trying to get a hold of Lorelai that he almost didn’t hear the question.

“Umm, _can_ I ride with her?” He was surprised they were letting him, he wasn’t family, but he wasn’t going to question his luck. 

“Yeah, we just need to get her in and strapped down, I want to get her on oxygen, one of these medications can be a respiratory depressant; if you want to tell your friend,” he motioned to Chris, “we’ll be at Hartford General, the Emergency Department, he can meet us there.”

Logan motioned to Chris that he was going to ride along and held up his phone to convey that he would text him the details. Chris waved him off, he seemed frustrated and Logan had the passing thought that he must have gotten that prickly French guy who worked at the Inn on the phone. He grabbed his wallet and was out the door, watching as they hooked her up to monitors and an oxygen mask- he climbed in and sat next to her while they radioed ahead to the ER. 

“22 year-old female, possible OD with alcohol, Clonazepam and Zaleplon, unknown quantities. Pulse is slow, patient is lethargic but semi-conscious, complained of dry mouth and blurred vision…” As the EMT was spitting out her stats, things that made no sense to Logan, he reached over and grasped her hand, his brain spinning- what happened? He knew she was upset with him from their fight last night, he wasn’t crazy, he knew she was struggling, (that’s why he had finally reached out to Honor), but he had no idea that this was going to happen. What exactly  _ had _ happened? No matter how upset she had been, despite everything the last few weeks, he still couldn’t quite believe that she would do this! How could this be happening? 

"Come on Ace, stay with us ok? I need you to stay with us, you got that? I love you." 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waiting to hear how she is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to say that I have been blown away with the responses to this story, I know it's not a fluffy piece in the least, but I'm trying to really build a narrative. 
> 
> Please be patient/forgiving about my use of medical jargon, while I obsessively watched House and ER, and I've tried to do my research, I'm sure anyone who works in a hospital is rolling their eyes at how I'm handling certain things- I'm trying! 
> 
> Please leave me reviews/comments, it really helps me feel like writing this story matters to someone other than me.

“Dragonfly Inn, this is Michel speaking.” Although, it was Michel, so sounded more like “zees ees Meee-shell speaking.”

“Hi, uh, yes, I’m looking for Lorelai.

“Aren’t we all?”

“Look, this is Christopher, her… it’s Christopher, Michel, do you know where Lorelai is? It’s an emergency.”

“Oh, it’s an emergency? Well then, that changes my answer, let me put you right through to Lorelai.”

“Yeah, you’re not actually going to put me through to her, are you?”

“What a genius you are.”

“Her cell seems to be off, can you just- if you see her, tell her to call me, it’s an emergency.

“I am anticipating that conversation with breath that is bated.” Chris hung up, wishing flip phones were still a thing, it would be so much more satisfying to angrily shut his phone with a loud clacking sound. He thought for a minute what else to do, where else to try and before he even knew what he was doing he was looking up the number of that damn diner. Swearing under his breath, but fingers crossed he’d find her there, he hit _call._

“Luke’s.”

“Hey, Luke, this is Christopher… Hayden. Uh… anyways, I was wondering, is Lorelai there? I tried calling her cell but it’s off, she didn’t answer her home phone and I called the Dragonfly but she wasn’t there and I really need to get a hold of her.”

“Uh, she isn’t here right now…”

“Shit. Uh, you don’t have any idea where she might be, do you? I really need to find her. It’s about Rory.”

“Rory? What’s going on with Rory? Is she ok?” The instant change in tone was evident. “What’s wrong with Rory?”

“I just really need to find Lorelai as soon as possible. If you see her, can you please tell her to call me or Logan?”

“Yeah, no problem.” And he hung up before telling Cesar he was going out, he’d be back when he got back.  

*********************************************************

“Lorelai, where the hell have you been? What happened to your phone?”

Lorelai returned from her therapy appointment, pulling into her drive, bewildered to find a very frantic-looking Luke on her front porch- practically running to her as she got out of her Jeep.

“Hey, Luke… Uh… my phone died earlier and I left my car charger at the Inn because there was a guest that needed to borrow it, but it turned out that it didn’t work in their rental car because rentals these days don’t have cigarette lighters- did you know that? I swear, what am I going to do next time I rent a car and need to light one of my...” Despite the fact that historically he had always displayed an almost Herculean tolerance of her rants and bits, he cut her off, forcefully.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere- I went to the Inn and spoke to Michel, I spoke to Sookie, I was driving around town checking everywhere they sell coffee.”

“Whoa, I’m sorry? I was out of town at… at an appointment…” Did they have a meeting or something scheduled? Nothing was coming to mind. “What the hell is going on Luke?”

“Chris called the diner and said it was an emergency and he couldn’t find you anywhere, so then I went out looking and I couldn’t find you anywhere.” She was looking at him, concerned but no less puzzled. “He said it was something to do with Rory.” Her eyes went wide and she was pushing past him, moving towards the house as fast her stilettos would let her. Her hands were trembling as she tried to unlock her front door (why had she chosen this time to be one of the 8 times a year she locked her door)?

“Rory? What happened? What did he say? Did he say anything?” Luke took her keys from her, she was shaking too much, he managed to get the door unlocked and open, she ran to the phone at the desk in the entry, throwing her keys and purse towards the couch- not bothering to see where they landed- and completely ignoring Paul Anka’s barking she began to punch in Christopher’s number from memory.

“Chris! Sorry, I didn’t have my phone charger with me. What’s going on, what happened with Rory?”

Luke only heard, “Lor, thank God!” after that, there was a lot of talking, but he couldn’t make any of it out. He could, however, see Lorelai’s face completely drain of blood and the way that she closed her eyes, trying to fight tears, her head tilted back almost like she was praying as she listened.

“And do the doctors have any idea-?” She was cut off by something he said, and she was silently nodding, biting her bottom lip as she tried to process whatever he was saying.  

“Ok, Chris, I got it. I’m on my way, I’ll see you in 20.” She threw the phone down on the desk, honestly not caring at all if it shattered. Shit, where had she put her purse and her keys. She turned and Luke was there, he was right there and holding her purse and keys. “Oh! Luke, I uh… I have to go, I need to get to the hospital. Fuck, I need a phone charger, I know I have a wall charger around here somewhere, for my phone. Where… Oh, here, it’s right there, in the wall. That makes sense, good. Ok, what else?” She looked around, trying to figure out what she was missing. She was halfway out the door when she looked back and saw Luke still standing there, his eyes heavy with concern for her, and for Rory.

“Thanks, Luke, for finding me- for tracking me down. “

“Yeah, of course, no problem. Hey, do you need me to drive you? I have my truck, I can give you a ride.”

“What? Oh, hey, thanks, I appreciate it, but I should be ok. Although, do you think you could feed Paul Anka for me?”

“Oh, yeah, sure. But, Lorelai, we could probably get Babette to do that if you want me to drive you.” She was already halfway to the car.

“Huh?” She looked back at him. “Oh, thanks, but no, I uh, I better get there by myself.” He looked crestfallen and she felt bad. “Oh, Luke, I’m sorry, but with everything that’s been going on with Rory, I just… I don’t exactly know what’s going on and I need to get to the bottom of it with her, and she’s just… she’s so sensitive about who knows what, I think it’s just probably better if I don’t bring in anyone. I’m sorry. But thanks for your help with Paul Anka!” And with that, she was gone, in the jeep and pulling out of the driveway.

********************************************

“Chris? Chris! Where is she, what is going on, what the hell happened?”

“Lor, oh, thank God.” He turned to see her come running into the waiting area of the ICU at Hartford General, just in time to brace himself as she threw herself into his arms and they clung to each other tightly. She was trying to catch her breath and he was just breathing in the comfort of her being there- no matter everything they had been through in 25 years, she was still the girl who made him believe he could handle the hardest things he’d ever faced. He kissed the top of her head, squeezing her. “It’s so good that you’re here, I needed you, the doctor started talking and Logan looked like he was going to faint, and they had her breathing through a mask and I just… Wow, I just needed you to be here.” She squeezed him back, tears in her eyes, but smiling, because she knew exactly what he meant. After another moment to feel comforted in his arms she pulled back.

“Chris, what happened, why is Rory here? Is she going to be ok?” She looked at Chris, and wow, he looked like he had aged 10 years since she last saw him, just a few days ago. His eyes were red, he had dark circles under his eyes and his jeans were hanging loosely- it wasn’t just her who had been having trouble eating and sleeping apparently. She felt terrible for putting so much on him and Logan, but she had the Inn and they had insisted, and Rory barely wanted to be in a room with her, so what was she going to do to help?

“I don’t know, Lor, I mean, I know Rory and Logan actually went out last night, but then they had a fight. I have no idea what happened, what the fight was about, she was yelling… well, actually screaming, and he slept on the couch. But then, Logan went to check on her a couple of hours ago and she was just... incoherent- seriously, it was like she was drunk and stoned and in a trance all at one time. And then he saw the pill bottles and and we have no idea what happened, if it was an accident or what- but I know that she was drinking bourbon and seriously… I mean, I’ve never seen her like that- she was so out of it, she was looking at me but it was like she couldn’t see me and she just… I don’t know, it was the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen- it was like Zombie Rory. I don’t know what to do anymore Lorelai, what are we supposed to do?” Lorelai pulled away from him, looking at him, she heard him and she knew that she knew what the words he was saying meant… but they weren’t making any sense, not strung together the way that he was telling them.

“Rory was… I’m sorry, Rory tried to pull a Marilyn? That doesn’t even make sense, I mean, Rory hates pills. She won’t drink a beer within 4 hours of taking an aspirin! There’s no way she took those pills _and_ drank! She must have gotten confused, maybe they were mislabeled or something?” She was just shaking her head in disbelief… it literally made no sense, it was just… Chris could literally tell her that Rory had decided to quit school and move to France to study Mime (Miming? Mimery?) and she would believe that before anything he was saying right now. He was guiding her to sit, she was shaking and he needed her to try and breathe a little. He calmly tried to explain what little information he had.

“I don’t know. What I do know is that they gave her this liquid charcoal she had to drink… which made her puke, a lot. Which made me puke, a lot. Remind me that I will never be able to drink Oreo shakes ever again. They’re trying to flush her system out now with IV fluids and there’s some kind of medicine that they can try if they need to… she’s unconscious, she was having some trouble breathing on her own.” Lorelai gasped at that, “But she’s on oxygen and doing better. They’re monitoring her heart and her kidneys… they gave her something that should help protect her liver and we’re just waiting to talk to a doctor.”

They sat for a while, not talking, but holding hands and occasionally Chris would squeeze her’s, knowing that

“Where’s Logan?” Lorelai eventually asked.

“Oh, when she threw up, she uh, got some on him. His sister brought him a change of clothes. She was going to go and get some coffee for all of us too- she’s great, have you met her?”

“Honor? No, I don’t think I’ve met her, but I know Rory loves her.” Since when was anyone other than three of them privy to anything that was happening with Rory? “So… Honor knows… what exactly? I mean, is she _in_ _the know,_ or is it like my parents level of understanding?” Suddenly Christopher looked really uncomfortable.

“Uh, maybe we should wait until Logan gets here and I’ll let him fill you in, ok?”

“Uhhhh, yeah, sure.” She looked at him strangely, why was he being so weird? _What the hell is going on?_ They sat uncomfortably for another 10 minutes before Logan came into the room in what must be fresh clothes and shoes.

“Lorelai, oh, thank God you’re here.” She stood as he came over and without thinking he pulled her in for a massive hug, one she was not at all expecting. As they pulled away Lorelai checked him out- if Chris looked like he had aged 10 years in the last few days, Logan looked like he had aged 20- his eyes were bright red, his skin was gray, his normally annoyingly perfect hair was long and in disarray, completely devoid of product and his clothes looked like they were hanging off him. For a guy she had once accused of living off his looks, he looked straight up terrible.

“Yeah, Logan, I’m here- what’s going on, what happened? What can you tell me?”

“Didn’t Christopher fill you in?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess I was just wondering if you knew anything else. I mean, you were the one that found her and rode with her in the ambulance, what did she say, what did the EMTs say?”

“I don’t really know much more than what Chris knows- we fought,” she noticed that he looked away from her then, there was a story there, he looked… haunted by that; “I spent the night on the couch, when I went to check on her today she was just… I don’t know, it looked almost like she was stoned- like, really stoned. I’ve seen some buddies come off some bad things, but this was… I don’t _think_ it was intentional, but…” He ran his hand through his hair in frustration, because while he couldn’t see Rory doing that on purpose, he really wasn’t sure how much of the old Rory, his Ace, was still there.

“Did she say anything? I’m just so confused, this is _literally_ the last thing I ever expected to face with Rory. I mean, she was always a bit _too_ well-adjusted as a teenager, it was disconcerting. I literally never caught her coming in from parties drunk or high, never really even had reason to suspect she had been at parties where people were drunk or high. Seriously, even when she was going through the angst and boy issues and Chilton and then she got hit by the deer and then Francine and the Puffs… Then there was the mess with Jess and with Dean… she’s been through alot and always seemed to come out so strong and brave and wonderful. I’m not saying it was super easy for her- I mean, she spent the first 6 years of her life in a potting shed for God’s sake! But this? Come on, this is Rory, her running away and joining the beauty pageant circuit would surprise me less than this!”

“Yeah, I gotta say, Lorelai, I’m not far behind you there. I mean, I’d be pretty shocked if she suddenly became a Beauty Queen, but I saw Little Miss Sunshine and Miss Congeniality, there are extenuating circumstances.” They both smiled, she had to admit, sometimes she really did like this kid, saw why Rory loved him so much- it was exactly the kind of joke she’d laugh at. But this wasn’t really a smiling, jokey kind of day. He moved to sit next to her sighing, “But somehow, even with all of what she’s been going through lately, this is still… I don’t know.” He just sat there, sadly shaking his head.

Lorelai watched as this man, this man who very clearly loved her daughter more than anything in the world, was losing his somewhat tenuous grip on reality- this entire situation was an awful lot for a guy who had grown up the way he had- this might be the first time in his life where his family’s name and money couldn’t fix something, she had been there once. That might explain why she felt so compelled to reach out and take his hand, squeezing it as she looked him in the eyes-- trying to let him know he wasn’t alone in this- not in his confusion, not in his grief and not in the fight to get their girl back.

Christopher broke in on the moment, standing and pacing for a minute, trying to figure out how to say what he needed them to hear.

“Guys, look, I haven’t really been the World’s Best Dad to Rory in the past.” Lorelai looked like she was going to protest but he just put up a hand and shook his hand. “No, Lorelai, it’s ok, I’m ashamed of what I used to be like, in and out of her life, only around when it worked on my schedule… I’ve tried to do better, but I can’t take back those years. But that’s ok, for right now, that’s not my point.” He took a breath and looked at both of them. “My point is that in my 38 years of life, what I know without any doubt is that Lorelai Gilmore is a very special breed of woman. They are impossibly stubborn, infuriatingly difficult, obnoxiously complicated… but they are not self-defeatists, they are not quitters and _they_ never let people down.” Lorelai looked up at him, eyes sparkling from the tears, but smiling, this was exactly what she needed to hear right now.

“So we’re all scared and anxious and absolutely none of this makes any sense, but Rory is going to be fine. She’s struggling and it’s not something we’re used to seeing with her, but there is no bigger badass than that girl in that room- and She. Will. Be. Fine.” He looked them both in the eyes as he spoke, grimacing as he remembered that speechifying wasn’t really his thing.

“Look at us, guys, not enough coffee is making us maudlin and depressed. We can’t ever forget that our girl in there is as tough as they come, and she has never let us down before. Let’s pull ourselves together so that when she needs us, we’re ready. Agreed?”

Christopher’s phone rang (and Lorelai made a mental note to mock him for it being a punk rock version of _Georgia On My Mind),_ and he stood to take it- it was clearly about Gigi. It just surprised Lorelai how much him walking away left her feeling empty… vulnerable. _Oh, come the fuck on Lorelai Gilmore, you have been down this road- how many times? It’s always a hot damn mess. You cannot do that to him again, you cannot do that to yourself again!_ But it would never be easy to truly let go of that man. Especially when they would alway, eventually be drawn back into their parental thing and that massive connection. She shook her head, needing to forget that. Trying to put those thoughts aside, she turned back to Logan.  

“So… I’ve been messaging a few times a daily… well, some days more than that, but she’s  been quiet. I don’t really know if anyone else is having better luck than anyone else. Had she been talking to anyone at all? She just… I don’t know… it’s kind of felt like radio silence and I don’t know if it’s me or her or what.”

“Yeah, well, if it helps, it hasn’t been much different on my end, and I live with her.” They sat for a while, not speaking- he wanted to bring something up, but he really didn’t know how. “We went out last night, to The Pub off campus. Saw Colin and Finn.”

“Sounds like fun.” Lorelai couldn’t even get Rory to go to Starbucks- or, Stars Hollow, but a bar blocks away from her apartment where she had been attacked was obviously no problem?

“Yeah, well, she proceeded to get drunker than I’ve ever seen her. I swear, every time I looked away she did another shot- Finn and Colin were concerned. It didn’t even seem to matter what it was, we’re talking Car Bombs, beer, whiskey and tequila shots.”

“Wow, Rory mixing her liquors? I really thought I taught her better than that.” It was his turn to offer a small smile at her lame attempt at humor.

“Sometimes I can’t get over how similar you two are in so many ways. I mean, I have spent so much of my life trying to be the opposite of my parents, like, if I’m trying to make a decision it’s “What would Mitchum do?” and I literally do the opposite thing. But what you and Rory have is just amazing, I really can’t imagine having that kind of relationship with either of my parents in my corner. It makes me wonder what could have been…”

“Well, unfortunately, it takes wasting an entire generation to get to this point- imagine what would have been if I had graduated high school, gone to Vassar or Smith and all that.”

“I honestly can’t imagine your parents ever considering _you_ a wasted generation.”

“Well, you never got pregnant at 16, refused to marry the father, ran off with your 6 month old daughter to live in a potting shed and work as a maid in a hotel.”

“Can’t argue with you there, I definitely have never done any of those things. Although, my parents may have preferred it that way, at least then they would believe I was capable of doing some kind of work. Not to mention, they’d finally have a grandchild.”

“Ah, yes, _the_ trump card no one ever tells you about among the Blue Bloods- delivering the _next_ generation is paramount to any other effort or accomplishment.”

“Oh, believe me, I am aware of that- I’m not sure which aspect of the Huntzberger Legacy my parents are more annoying about my continuing- the company or the bloodlines. Sometimes I feel a little like a show horse. I remember when it was Cotillion/Debutante time, every time I even talked to a girl parents were mentally figuring out what our children would look like.”

“Ah yes, well see, Christopher and I did one better, we actually showed them.”

“I can’t imagine what that must have been like. I mean, I’m 25 and just now finally striking out on my own, away from them and some days it’s embarrassingly overwhelming. I look at what you went through at 16 and it’s just… wow.”

“Well sure, but Logan, you can’t compare yourself to Wonder Woman over here- Lorelai has always been the most impressive woman on the planet. She actually managed to argue our Headmaster out of suspending us when he caught us smoking and making out behind the Gardener's shed when we were 15.”

“Christopher!” He apparently had found his way back while they were talking and hadn’t even noticed. Logan smirked at that one, he had heard allusions to Lorelai’s wild past, but didn’t know any details.

“How in the hell did you talk him out of it?”

“Ummm, I remember she started listing court cases about free expression… and I still don’t think ½ of the cases you named were real cases, by the way. And basically she just confused him to the point that he shook his head and sent us back to class with a warning.” Chris and Logan sat there laughing while Lorelai adopted an air of disdain.

“At least I wasn’t the one who accidentally brought the pot brownies to the school bake sale!” This time Logan looked at Chris, surprised.

“You did what?”

“Only because someone told me blue pan was the _special_ batch!”

“Yeah, I meant it had pecans and kahlua in it!” He just rolled his eyes back at her, Logan laughed knowing that this was clearly an old fight between them.

They were laughing and trading barbs and old stories for the next ten minutes or so and it felt almost as normal as Logan had felt in a month, at least- he was starting to relax a bit and was considering introducing some of his prior bad acts in the spirit of bonding, just a very serious looking man in a doctor’s lab coat came in, frowning at something in his folder.

“Are you the family of Rory Gilmore?” All laughing and smiling stopped immediately as all three of them stood up.

“Yeah, I’m her dad, this is her mom- Lorelai, and her boyfriend, Logan. Do you have any updates on her? Do you know what happened?” Chris put his hands in his back pockets as he tried to avoid fidgeting with them.

“Well, she’s one lucky girl- with the mixed dosage of sleeping pills and anxiety medication, with the presence of alcohol in her stomach contents, if you hadn’t brought her in so quickly, I really don’t think we would have been able to do much.” Lorelai turned into Christopher’s shoulder, quietly crying at that thought and Logan almost fell back into his chair. Christopher somehow remained standing and speaking.

“But we did get her here quickly, so what does that mean?”

“It means that we think we have managed to counteract the bulk of the toxins, we’re still working to flush them out of her system and we aren’t entirely sure what the long-term effects will be, but she’s at least stable. She is unconscious, but responsive so we don’t believe there was any significant brain damage.” Chris let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding at that. “Her heart rate is slow, it’s called Bradycardia and we are closely monitoring it, as well as the effects of that on her blood pressure. She’s also experiencing some trouble breathing on her own and she is somewhat hypoxic- basically she isn’t getting enough oxygen in her blood or organs, which is a concern, but we’re managing it for now. I’m still waiting to get results on her Kidney function tests, there is a chance we’re going to want to try a round or two of dialysis to just really make sure they’re flushed of the drugs.”

They just stood there, attempting to process everything they just heard. Slow heart, not breathing alone, not enough air, possible kidney problems- what exactly was dialysis anyways? And then of course, that last word- _drugs_ … of course that was technically the right term… but it sounded so… judgemental, this was Rory. Rory didn’t do drugs. Lorelai had to drag her into a coffee bar in Amsterdam (in all fairness, those were not smells she considered complementary)….

“Basically, I think there is every reason to be optimistic she’ll make a full, physical recovery, but we’re still going to be watching her very carefully, I can’t say she’s out of the woods yet. But, what concerns me more is her emotional and mental recovery- how she came to be here in the first place.” He motioned for them to sit and he took a chair across from them and he lowered his voice- despite the fact that the room was practically empty.

“I have her charts and the information on her assault on May 18 and her subsequent prescription for the medications in her system today- these are very commonly given to victims who went through what she did, and given the numbers still in the pill bottles, it does not look like she was using them particularly regularly- that could be a good things, maybe she truly didn’t think she need them, but given today’s events…” He shook his head and leafed through his folder again.

“I don’t see any information in here on a therapist or social worker or any other mental health professional she may have been seeing to try and work through things- am I missing that information?”

“No, she uh… we hadn’t had any luck yet in getting her to speak with anyone.” That was Logan, his eyes red and his face pale, his voice quiet. The doctor just nodded and made a note.

“Obviously when she’s awake we’re going to be going through some follow up psychological testing to try and ascertain her current mental state. We’re going to have her speak with a Social Worker who will evaluate our next steps. Just so you are aware, we usually ask patients who have presented with suicidal actions to voluntarily commit themselves for 72 hours for further evaluation and treatment. Now, it seems that she has a pretty active support system and you may want to make alternative arrangements for treatment, we can certainly help you figure that out, but usually, given the circumstances of her admission today, my bet is that the Social Worker is going to press strongly for a temporary psychiatric intervention, whether it’s voluntary on her part or not.”

“Wait, so you’re saying that if she doesn’t volunteer to stay here for 72 hours-” Lorelai started.

“If she doesn’t volunteer to get immediate attention to prevent a reoccurrence of today, then we will most likely push for a petition for involuntary commitment.”

“But we don’t even know what happened today- whether it was just a misunderstanding on the dosage or an accident!” Christopher knew the signs of Lorelai going into Protective Mama Bear mode and needed to intervene before she really set off.

“Lorelai, we once she she is awake, she can clear up whatever she needs to and we can take it from there.”

“What, Chris, you’re ok with them just locking up her like this is One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest? This is Rory we’re talking about- there _is_  an obvious reason why this all happened, we don’t know what it is yet, but as soon as she wakes up she’ll clear it all up and I don’t really want to hear about straight jackets and padded walls and all of that in the meantime. Come on, Chris, this is Rory- there has to be answer that makes this all make sense!” She was yelling and angry tears were streaming down her face, Logan was sitting in his chair, looking like he was in shock and Christopher lost it.

“You’re right, this is Rory- she would never be irresponsible enough to misread a pill label or to forget she had drank six glasses of bourbon… And yeah, it’s hard for me to process the idea that my brilliant little girl could have done this even a little bit intentionally- but Lor, I’m telling you- she is not okay right now, and just giving her space and hoping she comes to us soon is not working. And I don’t give a damn what we have to do between now and then to get her feeling safe and healthy and happy again- I don’t care how many therapists I have to hire, how many medications they need to put her on… if I have to send her to meet the damn Dalai Lama, then I’m hiring a private jet to Nepal tomorrow, I don’t care! But we have to deal with this, we have to find a way to get her to deal with this and I think that means that we need to stop and admit to what happened today, because we could have lost her today, and I never want to feel anything close to that ever again in my life.” Tears were streaming down his face, he didn’t think he had ever fought so hard with Lorelai over Rory before- there wasn’t anything to fight about, she’d always been a perfect little angel. He was a failure and a disappointment, they had fought over that- but never about Rory- because Lorelai knew her so perfectly well that it was stupid to challenge her.

Lorelai just shook her head, trying to get herself together.

“I’m sorry, Chris, I just- I need some air.” She pushed him away, she didn’t want to hear anything else from him or from the doctor… she didn’t bother to look at Logan or anything else as she rushed out of the room, she just needed to not be in that room that felt like it was crushing her from the inside out.  


	19. Coming To Terms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for the beautiful comments everyone, it's been amazing to hear from you- please keep them coming!

Logan would never forget the first time he stayed over in her dorm- the night they went for Chinese food and he was an ass to her friend Marty (in his defense, he later found out he was right, Marty did have a thing for her- actually told her that night). He wasn’t entirely sure the reception he was going to get when he climbed through her window, they’d been dancing around it for weeks, but when she pulled him for a “proper” goodnight- they enjoyed something that was most definitely anything but “proper”.

In that night she made him feel… he didn’t know exactly what it was, but it was so much more than just sex- they connected. It had been fun, of course- she was actually quite something when she got going- not at all shy, demanding what she wanted and giving back tenfold. She had honestly worn him out, not something that happened frequently to such a healthy 22 year old male. By the time she fell asleep he was genuinely concerned that he wouldn't be able to walk the next day! But beyond the purely physical 5 star performance she had just given, it had been the perfect combination of tender devotion and absolute hedonism and he had never experienced anything like it before.

Then, the craziest part was waking up the next morning and having no interest in leaving the bed. It wasn’t (just) that he was really hoping they could go at least one more round, but because he felt so warm and cozy and comfortable, and that was not thanks to the standard issue, industrial, tiny mattress provided by the University- it had been a while since he'd slept on something so small and uncomfortable. No, his disinterest in leaving the bed was definitely more about the person with whom he was cozily snuggled up againt. He turned to look at her, with her left arm across his bare chest, her hair was thoroughly mussed- Logan smirked as he remembered how it got that way- and she must have been dreaming because periodically her nose would scrunch up like she was thinking about something, trying to focus. And she was beautiful- he knew it was sappy, he knew he was acting insane, but he just lay there and watched her sleep, thinking how incredibly beautiful and amazing and perfect she was.

As Logan sat in her room in the ICU, looking at her sleeping, he couldn’t help but think how much had changed since that morning almost three years ago. She was still beautiful, there was no question there, but as she lay there, in a hospital gown, with dark circles under her eyes, her skin so pale… he could see the blue of her veins standing out from all the weight she had lost in recent weeks- weight she didn’t really have in the first place. Her hair lacked its usual bounce and luster and instead of the smell of her perfume and the coconut body scrub she liked to use, he smelled iodine, rubbing alcohol and latex gloves. 

“How is she?” Christopher walked in with two coffee cups in his hands, it amused Logan that Rory’s addiction to the substance clearly came from  _ both  _ parents, he never saw her dad without coffee unless he had something more alcoholic to drink in hand. He handed Logan one of the cups while somewhat distractedly looking at his daughter.

“Pretty much the same as yesterday. The nurses kicked me out for a while this morning to run some tests- I don’t really know for what. So far her heart rate seems to be picking up on it’s own- they stopped giving her the meds to help that… She’s still on oxygen- they tried taking her off last night but didn’t like the results, so they’re keeping it up for now. They’re going to keep her on dialysis for another day or two, they think it’s going well- kidney function seems to be returning to normal.”

Christopher just nodded, there wasn’t much else to say- Rory had been in the ICU for three days at this point and was doing better, but was still unconscious (but neurologically responsive, they had been reassured many times that was good, she could wake up any minute, blah blah blah). 

“Has Lorelai been here?”

“Yeah, she was here all night, I went home for a shower and a few hours of sleep, but she had some meeting at the Inn she didn’t trust Michel to handle without losing the supplier.”

“I know she says he’s brilliant at what he does, but I gotta say, I don’t see it.”

“Yeah, I have to say he seems a bit short on charm and patience for his chosen profession.” They sat there in the quiet, only machines beeping and conversations in the hallways for noise. They had spent a lot of time like that lately, they were used to each other. When Lorelai was in the room she needed to talk- whether she was trying to distract herself or them they didn’t know, but when it was just the two guys, it tended to be pretty quiet, because what was there to say? That’s why it surprised him when Christopher, clearly uncomfortable, asked, 

“So… you never said, and I know it’s prying, but any chance you’re going to clue us into what the fight was about?”

“What?”

“The fight you had the other night, after you went out? I mean, I know it was private… but I can’t help but feel like I’m missing too much of the picture, how and why… I just...” He was running his hand through his short hair, obviously frustrated- not necessarily with Logan, but how he just didn’t understand how it had all come to this. Logan didn’t really know what to do- it wasn’t that he didn’t want to tell the man, he certainly understood his desire for more information that might make some sense out of this, but given what the fight was about… it was a bit delicate to share with her dad- even one as cool about things as Christopher seemed to be.

“Look, you don’t have to…” He saw pretty clearly that Logan was struggling with what to do. “I mean, I don’t want you to feel like you have to break a confidence or anything…” But Logan saw the look in her father’s eyes- this was quietly and slowly killing the man. Although he knew that this wasn’t going to be a comfortable conversation, he also thought maybe it would help to get it off his chest- he knew he had done the right thing that night, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel like this was mostly his fault. 

“No, it’s fine… I’ll tell you, I just- it’s not the easiest thing to talk about with Rory’s dad. Uh… so, we went out that night, you remember? We saw some friends, had a few drinks- well, I had a few drinks, she, however, drank enough to keep up with Richard Burton. Seriously it was like being in Cabo on Spring Break, I’ve never seen her quite like that. I finally got her to head home and when we got there she was…” Logan was avoiding looking at Chris, scratching at the back of his neck, this was so much worse than the time that he got caught feeling up Shelly Something-or-other in the coat closet at his parents Christmas party in the 8th grade. “She wanted to… she tried to get me to…” Suddenly Chris’ eyes went wide as he suddenly realized what they were talking about.

“Oh! She-?” Logan just nodded, his ears turning bright pink from embarrassment. Christopher breathed out, not really sure he wanted to continue the conversation anymore… but then he looked at her in the bed, hooked up to that mess of machines and tubes and he knew he needed to know, steeling himself to hear all kinds of things he never wanted to hear, he forged on.

“And I’m guessing that you guys hadn’t since…?” Again, Logan nodded- the two men doing an admirable job of conversing and avoiding looking at each other. 

“But she was wasted… even if she wasn’t going through everything since the attack, trust me, there was no way I was going to do anything with her in that state.” It was true, they’d both gotten wasted in the past and messed around- but he would never take advantage of her in the state that she had been that night- to be honest, he had always preferred his partners to be more to this side of sober and fully aware of what was happening. 

Chris just nodded his acknowledgement, of course he didn’t think Logan was the kind of guy who would do that kind of thing, but it was always nice to be reassured. Not that he wanted to think about Rory and Logan like that- under any circumstance, he never wanted to imagine  _ any _ of that when thinking about his daughter- she could have a dozen kids some day and he’d still try desperately to pretend that she was a nun. 

“Well, she basically melted down at that point, accusing me of thinking she was ‘damaged goods’ and ‘ruined’ and then there was a lot about how I clearly didn’t want to be with her anymore… she was just pushing me away and saying some pretty awful things and pushed a button and I wasn’t thinking and I suggested that she was  _ just  _ upset and drunk and a good night’s sleep would help. I didn’t know that she would hear that as me saying one more good night’s sleep would magically cure everything.”

“Ouch. That couldn’t have gone over well.”

“No, it did not. That was when she kicked me out. I tried to tell her that I love her, that I was sleeping on the couch because she clearly needed space, but I wasn’t abandoning her. When I tried to talk to her the next morning she refused to speak to me.” Chris just sat there, turning it all over in his head. It was starting to make a  _ little  _ more sense, Rory had been internalizing a lot, she wouldn’t talk to either of them about the attack, she obviously wasn’t processing quietly to herself like they had all hoped, she was berating herself for being, what had she said?  _ Ruined-  _ his beautiful, amazing daughter thought she was now too damaged for anyone to love her or even look at her with anything but pity or disdain. Fuck- what were they going to do?

Out of the corner of his eye, Logan thought he saw something. “Hold on, did you- did you see that?” Logan sat up, alert, looking at her.

“See what?”

“I thought I saw-” and then they both noticed that her fingers were twitching. Logan instantly closed the distance between him and her and grabbed her hand. “Ace? Hey, Ace, are you ready to wake up?” He could swear he felt pressure as she tried to squeeze his hand back and after what felt like hours, her eyes began to flutter open. Chris was on his feet and holding her hand on the other side, looking down at her. 

“Hey there Kiddo, you just about done sleeping?” She looked up at both of them, nothing but questions in her eyes. She looked like she wanted to speak but was startled to find there was a long tube in her throat, sticking out of her mouth, making her cough. She got a look of sheer panic and was clutching it, having trouble breathing- Chris went to get a nurse or a doctor to help while Logan tried to calm her.

“Ace, it’s ok, you’re ok, you’re in the hospital, you have been unconscious for a few days, that’s a feeding tube, it’s fine, you’re ok, just try to breathe.” Her monitors were beeping as she panicked, her heart rate and breathing ticking up. She tried to look into his chocolatey, warm eyes, finding some comfort there as he spoke softly to her, stroking her face softly. Chris was back with a nurse who saw that she was calming down and didn’t need the medication she had been planning to administer.

After that, things went quickly- a doctor came in and started flashing light in her eyes, asking her to follow as he moved a finger, asking her yes and no questions she could nod to, a nurse stood by noting all of his observations and checking her monitors and machines. Chris was calling Lorelai and telling her the good news and Logan was just lost in her eyes- those blue, beautiful eyes of hers that he hadn’t seen in three days, the ones that had always made him feel like he was home- he had desperately missed that feeling. 

“Ok, Miss Gilmore, we’re going to go ahead and remove the feeding tube- I’m not going to lie, it’s going to feel really weird, it’s going to make you gag, just try your best to stay relaxed and calm, ok?” She just nodded at him and the nurse handed him rubber gloves and a spray bottle. “Ok, I’m going to slowly remove this, it’s a long tube, so be ready- once I have it out, I’ll spray some of this along the back of your throat, it’s a local anesthetic, you’re going to be pretty scratchy for a day or two, just irritation from a foreign object being there, nothing to worry about, ok?” He waited for her to nod yes and proceeded to remove the tube and then spray the medication in her mouth, instructing her to try and swallow a few times to help it coat the throat. 

Once that was done he looked to Christopher and Logan, “Now, I’m sorry gentlemen, I’m sure you’re anxious to speak with her, but I need to ask you to excuse us so I can speak with her for a bit. If you wanted to go and find yourself some coffee in the cafeteria, we should be done by the time you return.” Logan really looked like he wanted to argue but the doctor gave a look indicating that he wasn’t really  _ asking _ , and just nodded before dropping a kiss on Rory’s forehead and saying, 

“Alright, Ace, I’ll be back in just a few, ok?” She just nodded at him and he left- noticing she was neither smiling or crying, wondering how she was actually doing- but he’d have to wait to talk after the doctor. As soon as they had left the doctor took out a pen and a pad and began to make a few notes before he went and sat next to Rory. 

“Alright, Miss Gilmore, now I’m going to be asking you some questions- these questions will actually serve multiple functions: 1)They will help me assess your neurological state since you were unconscious for three days- they’ll speak to memory, cognitive functioning, etc; 2)They will help me to understand your mental and emotional state from three days ago and 3)They will help me to understand your mental and emotional state today and whether you are a threat to yourself or others. Do you understand?” She just looked at him and nodded- her eyes tearing up slightly but she kept them at bay. 

“Now, do you remember what happened on Sunday, three days ago?” She opened her mouth to speak- coughing just a bit as she tried. The doctor moved to pour her a glass of water, waiting patiently as she downed half of it and then began to speak. 

“I was fighting with my boyfriend, Logan, you met him just now- he was the shorter blond man, the other was my dad, Christopher.” He just nodded, waiting. “Well, we had a big fight the night before and he slept on the couch and I woke up and was just… well, I was just thinking about the fight and about my mom and my friends at home and all kinds of things…” The tears were falling now, she couldn’t keep them contained anymore as she thought back to that day, “And I found out something and I started to have a panic attack, like a really bad one. So I took some pills for it, and then I wanted to nap- I was so tired, but I just couldn’t make my brain shut up, all the thoughts and the questions and the feelings and I just wanted to get some fucking sleep that didn’t have those goddamned nightmares and so I just kept taking pills to help me sleep- that was all I wanted, I swear, I just wanted everything to be quiet and to sleep!” She was sobbing now, once the dam broke she just lost control, sobbing and hiccuping because the last three days  _ had _ been quiet in her head- no nightmares, she’d slept and she hadn’t had to deal with anything and she just wanted to be back to that. She had no interest in dying- she wasn’t trying to kill herself, she wasn’t trying to even hurt herself, she was just trying to get some fucking peace and quiet! The doctor just sat there, made a few notes and then got up to get her some kleenex, the man’s patience sure seemed to be infinite. Once she had calmed down enough, he continued.

“So, you’re saying you were not intending to hurt yourself?”

“No, absolutely not!” She was very defensive about that, but that was understandable, the doctor just made another note. 

“But did you know that know, at the time, that you were taking far beyond the indicated dosage of both medications?” 

“I honestly didn’t think about it- I mean, now that I’m sitting here I feel pretty stupid- and I know that taking with bourbon was a really bad idea, but I just… I don’t know, it didn’t even cross my mind to worry about it.” He nodded and wrote a few more notes. 

“Now, Miss Gilmore I understand that you suffered a fairly traumatic sexual assault almost two months ago, have you been seeking any help in dealing with that? Going to counseling, joining a support group, anything like that?” She just shook her head no, feeling a bit abashed at that- everyone had told her she should, she just hadn’t. 

He asked a bunch of other questions- do you hear voices, do you have trouble eating, how often do you have panic attacks, etc.

“Ok, Miss Gilmore, I’m going to level with you- I take any kind of overdose very seriously- had you not been found and brought in when you were, you likely would have damaged your kidneys, liver and heart irreparably, and possibly would have died.” She gasped at that one, somehow that hadn’t really occurred to her.

“I don’t want to die- I swear to God, I don’t, I didn’t mean to-” He just cut her off.

“While I’m glad to hear that, we have to figure out how to go forward. Now, you say you do not want to die, so I’m going to ask you for a show of good faith on that one- I could ask for a 72 hour emergency psych evaluation. Basically, the State says that they trust me that you’re a potential threat to yourself and we move you to the Psych Ward here to be further evaluated and kept safe.” Her eyes got big at that, she had read  _ One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest _ and her mom’s favorite movie for about 8 months one year was  _ Girl, Interrupted- _ Psych Ward sounded pretty bad. The doctor noticed and sighed, “However, if you would voluntarily agree to treatment, we can find you a program- either inpatient or outpatient, there are options out there. But at this point, I feel pretty strongly that you are still a danger to yourself, enough that I’ll only agree to discharge you into a certified treatment program for PTSD or Rape Trauma Syndrome.” She was crying again- her thoughts completely muddled and feeling totally overwhelmed, what the hell had happened to her? How the fuck had this become her life? Instead of juggling job interviews as newspapers around the country, she was dealing with trying to avoid being committed to the looney bin- what the hell, Universe?

She felt the rising panic- her heart racing again and she was having trouble breathing-- just in time for Logan and Christopher to return. Logan rushed over to her side, trying to calm her again but this time it wasn’t working. The doctor quickly moved to her IV and pulled a syringe out of his lab coat’s pocket. 

“Miss Gilmore, I understand that you’re feeling anxious and overwhelmed, so I’m going to give you a light dose of an anti-anxiety medication- it shouldn’t necessarily be enough to knock you out, but should help you to calm down and think about what we just spoke about, ok?” She looked up at him, eyes bright with tears, her face red but nodding. “Alright, then, I’m going to leave now so you can think about it- if you would like me to send in a Social Worker who can walk you through programs available, just let me or the Nurse know. Thank you.” And with that he was gone and whether it was the medicine or his absence but Rory felt herself suddenly able to breathe better and the tears lessened as Logan held her hand and rubbed her back, Christopher just staring at the scene, yet again having no idea whatsoever to say.

They stayed like that for a few minutes before Chris’s cell phone rang, interrupting the quiet- he looked at the caller ID, swearing softly. “Shit, I actually have to take this one, I’ll be back in a few, alright kid?” He looked directly at Rory, waiting for permission to leave, which she instantly gave and he was answering the phone as he walked out of the room. 

“You feeling better there, Ace?” Logan was trying to keep his voice light, not at all sure what the doctor had talked to her about, not sure if she wanted to really talk about anything or just sit there. But the look of his caramel eyes, full of fear and concern for her made her feel all over again like her heart was breaking. She closed her eyes and she saw the engagement ring, in the box- remembering the two seconds of momentary elation at the discovery, followed immediately by a reminder of why it wasn’t going to ever happen. 

“Logan, I’m pretty tired, I think I just want to sleep.” Her voice was totally flat, entirely without any emotion- he was surprised. 

“Oh, sure, I guess the doctor said the medicine might make you sleepy. That’s fine, I’ll just sit over here with my book-”

“God, Logan, you don’t have to be around every fucking second of every day!” If she had been brave enough to look at him she would see the hurt in his eyes and feel even worse.

“Hey, Ace, you didn’t hear me complaining about it, did you? Where else would I be than with my girl?”

“Literally anywhere, Logan! You could be out with Colin and Finn drinking or on a yacht in Fiji or out dating that damned Fallon girl your mother is so fucking fond of- not here like my pitiful husband- you aren’t, you know- we aren’t married, you’re free to go out and do whatever or whomever you like!” She turned on her side, knowing she would never be able to look at his face, it would quite literally kill her. As she lay there, trying to keep her tears as quiet as possible, he stood there in total shock and disbelief, what was happening here?

“Hey, Rory, where is this coming from, I love you-  _ I love you _ , and I don’t want to be anywhere other than where I am, and I definitely don’t want to be with anyone else. What is going on, here? I don’t understand, where is this coming from?” He moved to the side of the bed she was facing, needing to see what was going on in her head. She just closed her eyes, tightly, tears falling but she refused to look back at him. 

“Ace, whatever is going on, whatever you’re thinking or feeling, you can tell me- I swear, I don’t care what it is, you can tell me, nothing is going to change how I feel about you, how much I love you. No, we aren’t married, that’s true, There is  _ no one  _ in the world more important to me than you- I thought you knew that, and shame on me if I hadn’t made it clear enough.” She just squeezed her eyes shut as he held both of her hands in his, refusing to leave her side.

“Logan I found the ring. On Sunday, I found the ring.” It was said so quietly he almost didn’t hear what she said. But he did hear it- unfortunately, rather than clearing things up it really just gave him a terrible feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach. Was she saying… Did she not want to get married? Sure, they hadn’t really talked much about it, definitely never in a specific, I think I want to marry you way- but they had occasionally daydreamed out loud about “When I get married” or “When I have kids” or “We should visit Greece for your 30th birthday”- he honestly had believed that she saw a future for them, that they had been on the same page, going in the same direction. 

“I don’t understand, you found a ring and that made you want to take a dozen benzos with a bourbon chaser?” 

That made her still in the bed, while she continued her refusal to look at him, but she did sigh in frustration- or possibly annoyance. 

“Come on, Logan, we’re both smarter than that- it was an engagement ring- you were going to propose.”

“Ok, and that makes you want to kill yourself?” He winced at himself, he hadn’t really meant for that to sound as accusatory as it came out- making her sit up straight, opening her eyes at least, alive with anger and frustration.

“No you idiot! First of all, I did  _ not _ try to kill myself- I just… whatever, it doesn’t matter right now, I didn’t try to kill myself.” Was she serious? She had pulled a Marilyn Monroe- washed down a handful of  _ strong _ pills with a half bottle of bourbon and she hadn’t tried to kill herself? Oh, he’d really like an explanation for that one… not to mention the addendum , “whatever, it doesn’t matter right now.” Really? Cause it actually mattered quite a bit to him. He was so angry he almost missed the fact that she was still talking.

“But I saw it and for two fucking seconds, two amazing seconds I was so excited! I could see it all- I was in a dress, you were in a tux, and then there were kids and we were on vacation at the Cape and we had a dog and… it was perfect!” And then she was crying again, but the feeling of dread had been replaced by this amazing sense of relief and elation- he saw the same thing, a wedding and then kids and two dogs- he had thought maybe Woodward and Bernstein, two gorgeous Golden Retrievers- and she wanted it, with him!

“But don’t you see? That’s all done- it’s gone. We can’t have any of that- I don’t get a happy ending, don’t you get it? I mean, it’s bad enough that your family already pretty much hates me, but now all of this happened and I’m a broken fucking mess and I definitely can’t be a Huntzberger now! I mean, I can’t even get a fucking job… God, forget about a job, I can’t even leave the house for longer than 20 minutes without having a full blown panic attack, I don’t get that stuff anymore! Just ask the goddamned doctor, he wants me committed to the room that has four padded walls and an observation window because I’m completely fucking nuts! Goodbye Rory Gilmore, she isn’t here any longer, I’m Winona Ryder in  _ Girl, Interrupted _ , not Bradley Cooper in  _ Silver Linings Playbook! _ ”

  
And with that she collapsed and became absolutely hysterical- Logan tried to sit on the bed and hold her and calm her but she just struck out at him, beating his chest and screaming, struggling to breathe through all the tears and the anxiety of the moment- a doctor came running in with another syringe of medication,efficiently adding it to the IV fluids while Logan stood there, tears streaming down his face, grieving for this woman he was madly in love with who was hurting in so many ways and he was so totally powerless to help. 


	20. Choosing To Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for Rory and Logan to make the choice to try and get better, to move past this- and to get help.

For the next 7 hours Rory wouldn’t let anyone in her room aside from a Social Worker named Denise who had come to talk with her about treatment options. After 20 minutes in the room, Denise came out and motioned for Lorelai, Christopher and Logan to follow her into a small room down the hall with a sign that said “Privacy Space”. They each took a seat around the table waiting for the woman to speak.

“At this point, Dr. Richards and I have spoken at length with each other and with Rory. We are both in total agreement over her diagnosis.” Chris and Lorelai who were holding squeezed each other's, not sure they were ready to hear this part. “We are both of the opinion that she is currently suffering from PTSD due her sexual assault-  it seems she has not been dealing with what happened to her or trying to work through it at all. So, while we don’t think that she is actively suicidal or a danger to others, she does seem to be a danger to herself- at least in moments of true emotional crisis or diminished emotional and mental capacity. Simply put, Dr. Richards is unwilling, at this time, to release her from the hospital unless it is to a certified therapeutic treatment center." Lorelai looked as though she had been struck a blow right to her solar plexus and Chris went totally pale.

“Wait, what? Like rehab? Is this like that MTV show- _Intervention_? Do we all have to trick her into meeting us somewhere and some guy is going to meet us there and walk us through begging her to get to help?” Lorelai asked, making Denise smile- not a big, happy smile, but not _only_ a smile of pity either.

“Well, yes, many of these places do have rehab programs as part of their services, but Rory would be there solely to work on her PTSD resulting from her sexual assault. Now, she and I just spoke about a few different options that I think are good choices, but I gotta say, she seems to have just shut down. She didn’t _actually_ refuse any of them or even the concept of treatment, but she showed absolutely no interest any of the options we looked at, she was completely distant, apathetic- asking no questions, she barely looked through the materials… I have to say it wasn't particularly hopeful or constructive, but she didn't come out and refuse anything.

“But, here’s the thing- a decision does need to be made. So, I want to show you all some of the options I presented her with and maybe you can speak to her. See, treatment is really only effective for people who _actually want to change_ , but I am worried that holding her here against her wishes is going to be bad for her- she’s already dealing with an event in which she was completely stripped of control, I think it could be really counterproductive to have to hold her against her will. Because, let me assure you, this is not an instance in which she can check out against medical advice, or AMA- that doesn't exist in cases like this- we get an emergency warrant from the state and she's here until we feel like we can release her.”

Logan swallowed, he couldn’t believe this conversation- he didn’t even know that a hospital could legally keep her from leaving- but here was this Social Worker, talking about things like “Involuntary Hold”, “17a-503” and “containment of danger.” He briefly wondered if there were lawyers who could challenge this, but Christopher had been so right, nothing else was working and she needed help and her asking for it was still so far around the corner from where she was.

Denise took out a variety of brochures- they all showed lots of trees and grass and people sitting peacefully, meditating or walking on a beach or something, some were actually doing yoga- if she were here, they’d mock these brochures with him for hours. He was absently thumbing through one or two, not at all sure what he should be looking for or paying attention to as Denise continued to speak.

“Now, I will say there is a particular facility I think would be great for Rory- it’s only about 40 minutes away so she can do one of their day programs and commute from home. The staff there is really top notch- I’ve worked with almost every single one of them and they’re brilliant and dedicated and so compassionate- so passionate about what they do. They will require she meet with a psychiatrist while there, but they _only_ prescribe psych medications when TRULY indicated- when they can find an underlying biochemical reason; they even go so far as to do a blood test that helps them determine the medications that are most likely to work for a person instead of this insane Russian Roulette, trial and error method a lot of doctors turn to. This facility has a great range of group therapies available, individual therapeutic work and even alternative therapies like art therapy, music therapy… even equine therapy which is extremely effective with PTSD patients. They also have evening sessions for families to attend, on their own or with her, you can decide. There are at least two required sessions with family during the day program- helping to reconnect you as a support group and rebuild trust, and in the cases of a significant other- intimacy.” That made Chris look down at his shoes, Logan blush and Lorelai just cough lightly- none of them wanting to even think about it in the same room.

“It has an excellent reputation, primarily they focus on PTSD, eating disorders and a few other problems- not substance abuse or anything like that, no one will be there with any kind of a criminal record or detoxing which allows for a bit more freedom around the property and a bit less actual medical oversight.” Denise hesitated, looking from each person in the room to the other, not really understanding the dynamic here.

“Now, the problem, I have to warn you- it is a really amazing facility, and I do think that we could get her in- I have someone over there who owes me a big favor. _But_ , it is almost definitely not going to be covered by insurance and it’s pretty pricey- two weeks of intensive therapy is going to be at least $15,000. Beyond that, once she’s done in the outpatient program, I’m sure she’s still going to need to see a therapist of some kind for a while- that can be about $225-500/sessions and while insurance should cover some of it, I can’t say for sure how much.”

That was the problem? Chris could have almost laughed at that concern- she really had worried him there for a minute that there might be an actual issue. He just smiled easily at Denise to say,

“Money isn’t going to be a problem, don’t worry about that. If you can get her in, we’ll be fine.”

“Oh, ok then. Well, I guess that all you have to do is look over these options and find a way to talk her into one of them. They all require 100% commitment to the program, she has to want to be there and willing to do the work in order to be accepted- they have limited space and won’t allow anyone to stay who isn’t fully dedicated to the program’s objectives.” With that she got up and left them to their stack of pamphlets. They sat in silence for a bit, until Lorelai was the one to ask the big question.

“Am I the one who’s going to point out the giant pachyderm in the room? I mean, she’s not listening or talking to any of us at the moment, who’s going to talk her into this? How are we going to talk her into this? She’s been pretty adamantly pushing us all away and doesn’t want people to know what happened, so bringing people into all of this to help seems out of the question.” Logan sighed, knowing that the time had really come to make his Hail Mary. He pulled out his phone, pressing 3 on his speed dial.

“Hey, Honor, I really need you to come by, are you busy? No? Great, I’ll meet you out front and fill you in- 20 minutes? Thanks.” Lorelai was looking at him, eyes narrowed, she was either annoyed at him or really curious (and annoyed- either way she was definitely annoyed).

“Long story short, Honor has a bit of… personal experience here. I think her perspective may actually help Rory. I didn’t want to involve anyone we don’t have to, and I know she’s probably going to hate me for telling my sister, but I just… I honestly don’t give a damn, if there is a chance that Honor can get through to her, then she can hate me for the rest of her life, that’s fine.” Lorelai just looked at him, knowing that Rory was going to be really angry- but at this moment, she didn’t really give a damn either.

************************************************

It was about 8:30 that night when Rory finally started to wake up- the medications she had been taking really did wear her out, and of course, being awake just basically sucked right now- too much thinking, too much stress, too many people wanting to talk, wanting answers wanting decisions. She was so fucking sick of all the talking! She had told the nurses she didn’t want to see anyone and had managed to have a relatively quiet day- just the doctor and that social worker, not too bad. She started to think that maybe she should be looking for an apartment,  somewhere maybe just a tiny little studio- she could always ask Grandpa about dipping into her trust fund a little bit, maybe near a beach- somewhere she could just go and be alone for a nice change.

Sighing, she turned over in her bed, wondering if her book was still on the side table and yelped when she saw an unexpected face.

“Hey there Sleeping Beauty- wow, you do not toss and turn in your sleep- how in the world do you put up with my brother’s thrashing all the damn night? I remember one camping trip in the backyard when we were kids and he gave me a black eye in our sleep!”

“Honor?” _What the fuck was Honor doing here?_

“Who else would it be? I figured it was about time I came to see you, cheer you up… sneak in some Ben & Jerry’s!” With that she held up an ice packed twosome of _Phish Food_ and _New York Super Fudge Chunk_. “I mean, come on, hospitals suck and I assume your parents and my brother were probably hovering and buzzing about so much- constantly fluffing and re-fluffing pillows and wincing every time you moved in the bed- I hoped that maybe you would be up for a change of company.”

Rory sat up in her bed, getting herself a big glass of water while looking at Honor, sitting casually in a chair, next to her bed, smiling and chatting like she just had her appendix out or something routine like that- what exactly did Honor know? How did she know Rory was here- what had Logan done now? What had Logan said to her? How dare he say anything! Obviously, Rory’s lack of a poker face was saying everything and Honor was picking up on it all- she set down the ice cream and leaned in.

“Look, Rory, I can tell you’re angry, furious actually if I’m reading your face right- and by the way, please never let the guys talk you into playing any kind of poker- if Finn knew how bad your poker face is, he'd spend the next ten years begging for a game of Strip Poker and you'd be naked in five rounds. Anyways, not the point, just a life tip-you're pissed. And I’m guessing the anger is directed at my baby brother who is simultaneously the smartest, sweetest and most frustrating idiot I’ve ever met. But there is a reason I’m here, and I really hope once we’re done talking you won’t hate him because I’ve never seen him so worried about anything- he loves you more than I’ve ever seen someone love another person. Can you just hear me out before you start plotting revenge against him? Please?” Rory eyed her, not sure what to do with the blond in front of her who had the trademark ability of Huntzbergers to talk people into just about anything. Finally Rory just crossed her arms in front of her, raising her eyebrows, sighing, admitting to herself that she had been Huntzbergered.

“Fine, say what you have to say- then I’ll figure out how mad I am.” To be honest, right now she was practically fuming- if she were a cartoon character, smoke would be pouring out of her ears, but Honor really hoped she could help with that as she tried to figure out to say what needed to be said.

“First of all, you should know that it’s not really Logan’s fault that I know- you were in the hospital weeks ago and he was exhausted and came over and he hadn’t slept in days and I gave him scotch and he gave me just a few details- but I’m his big sister, I can practically read his mind, I could tell there was something he wasn’t saying and… let’s just say that I was able to pick up on certain things and read between the lines and… it took until today for me to finally get the ok to come and to see you and to talk to you and tell you that I know how terrible and disgusting and awful absolutely everything right now is. It’s literally the worst thing that you will ever go through, but I can seriously promise you that it gets better- you can absolutely move past it and be ok again.” She reached over and took Rory’s hand in both of hers, lightly squeezing, making her look her in the eyes as she said, “I absolutely know that you can, Rory, because, somehow, I did.”

That was  _not_ what Rory had been expecting to hear. Her eyes went wide, her jaw literally dropped, her face went pale and she was tearing up just a tiny bit as she thought about this woman who she genuinely thought of as a good friend, maybe even a sister- that she had gone through anything like this actually hurt to think about.

Searching Honor’s eyes, trying to read her, squeezing her hands back, wanting to ask questions, but not entirely sure what to say, what to ask- what was ok to talk about? Luckily she didn’t have to ask anything, Honor continued, carefully- she had clearly told this story before, but it wasn’t the kind of story that ever got easier to tell.

“Five years ago I was at a bar- I was really angry with my parents over something, I honestly don’t think I remember what. All I wanted was to drink and to dance and forget about the fight and everything behind it. I let guys buy me drinks all night, I was still barely under age, and the next thing I really remember was waking up the next morning in some frat house at a campus I didn’t know and I literally was stumbling around outside. I had no memory of exactly where I was, definitely not how I had ended up there. At first it felt like the world’s worst hangover… but it was so much foggier, hazier… it was almost dreamlike- but painful.

“Eventually I found my way to a coffee shop somewhere nearby, I ordered a cup of coffee hoping that it would start to sober me up, help me gather my wits… but as I drank, I just sat there while things started to piece themselves together. To this day, I don’t remember much from the night, but that morning I realized I was awfully sore, I had bruises on my wrist and my thighs… I had flashes of what could be memories or maybe dreams? Then, all of a sudden, like a flash of lightening, it just came together- it just clicked and I realized, I _knew_ what had happened and all I could do was sob. I couldn’t help myself- I was sitting in a coffeeshop, my hair messed up, my makeup all over my face, my clothes twisted and barely buttoned correctly- it was 6:30 on a Saturday morning and I was ferociously crying my eyes out. I mean, I cannot imagine what that poor kid behind behind the counter was thinking! I mean, he couldn’t have been more than, what 16? I'm sure I looked like I was coming down from bath salts or meth or something- maybe he even thought I was a hooker?

“But, luckily, just then, the _least_ likely Knight in Shining Armor you could ever imagine- someone I’ve known for forever- came into the coffee shop. I think he was trying to sober up for his walk of shame, but I knew him and in that moment, I weirdly trusted him. He saw me and he came over and he tried to talk to me and I just cried and cried and cried. And then he pulled me to him in a hug I just freaked the fuck out- seriously, I was screaming and sobbing and swearing and I saw more and more of what had happened the night before and I pulled away from him and that was when he started to make some intuitive leaps; he hurried me to his car and took me straight to the ER and he took charge; he got me through to a doctor, a social worker… I talked to some people…” She grimaced as she remembered, “Even while I went through that horrible, terrifying and completely outrageous and demoralizing exam, when they collected my rape kit; and no matter how I felt, how much I cried, my friend just stood behind a curtain, holding my hand the whole time- he refused to leave me until they seriously forced him to.

“Three days later I got the official word. I had been drugged and they suggested I press charges; but not only was I technically underage, making me automatically suspicious for having been drinking- the Detective in charge made it very clear how dubious my story still was to prosecute. But I desperately wanted nothing more than to forget anything ever happened. I mean, sure, I had a few bruises, some scrapes… memory loss, but that was it. He used a condom, there were no broken bones... I figured as soon as the bruises and such were gone I could just forget everything- pretend like it never even happened.” She looked at Rory one more time, her eyes piercing Rory’s baby blues. “But it doesn’t quite work that way, does it?”

Rory was crying in response to Honor’s story- sure, it was vastly different from her own, but for a person she cared about so much to have experienced anything remotely like that… for a second Rory couldn’t decide which was worse, remembering so many agonizing moments of her experience, or knowing that something horrible had happened, and only being able to guess at what that meant.

“Honor, I’m so sorry for you- that’s just… I can’t even imagine!” And Honor was struck how despite what Rory was going through right now, she could practically see her heart breaking over what Honor had been through herself- Rory needed to focus on herself right now, not comforting and trying to spare other people’s feelings.

“Oh, Rory, it’s alright- please, I didn’t tell you so that would have to think about what I went through. Believe me, I don’t want anyone, including me, to dwell on what happened… All I want is for you to understand that there _is_ a light at the end of the tunnel- it _really_ does get better. I’m not going to lie to you, it takes time, and unfortunately, it takes work- but you’re way too feisty and brilliant and wonderful and fierce to give in to all of these feelings of guilt and shame and disgust- no matter how great the temptation. You also have to remember that you are so loved by so many people, you have a support system that most could only dream of.”

“Oh come on, Honor- _you_ had your parents, your friends… and let’s not forget Logan, he would literally slay dragons for you!” That made the big sister smile, because she knew that her little brother loved only one person on the planet more than her, this woman in the bed in front of her.

“You’re right, and in retrospect, I know that I could have gone to other people, I could have talked to them. And of course- Logan, being the second greatest guy I’ve ever known (sorry, now Josh has legal rights to first place).” She winked at Rory at that, smiling. “Logan would have done so much more than slay dragons for me. But I just wasn’t able to let him in- I couldn’t stand the thought of him knowing, of him looking at me like I was different, like I was broken… or to see him pity me. So, I retreated; for months I just tried to pretend nothing happened. I dropped out of Smith, I broke up with my boyfriend, I moved back in with my parents- luckily they were so rarely home, there weren’t very many questions. Through it all, there was one person who knew what I was going through and I needed to be close to him, because I refused to open up to absolutely anyone else.” She had a few tears in her eyes as she thought back to how awful and isolated those days were, knowing so well what Rory had been doing to herself… she wished she had pushed Logan to let her come to her so much sooner.

“And, because that doesn’t work, at all, eventually I broke down- I completely lost it- and the poor guy had to rush me to the hospital where I got to spend a few days… my parents still probably think it was some kind of eating disorder or drug problem, _exhaustion_ was the word I believe the family PR put out there. Our lawyers got me out of the hospital pretty quickly… but luckily for me, not until I actually came to realize that nothing was going to get any better unless I actually dealt with it- opened up, talked to someone, tried to actually move past it, not just try to ignore it.” Rory obviously wanted to say something, but she didn’t know what to say and so Honor just kept going, wanting to get to the end of the story, let Rory stop and think about the options ahead of her.

“So once I got out of here, my friend helped me find a Center to go to- I found a counselor to talk to, I found a an amazing support group of other survivors... I can’t honestly tell you that I ever ‘got over it’ it doesn’t really work like that… but I did find a way to move on. I found ways to cope, to not let it define me, to not feel like a victim anymore. I even found a way to fall in love again- a few months later I met Josh, and I just can’t imagine my life without him in it. I even started to volunteer at the Center… in fact, my parents don’t know this yet, they’re going to be livid, but I’m actually going back to school in the Fall- I want to get my MS in Social Work- I want to be able to work at one of these centers. But don’t you dare tell them, right now they just know I volunteer with some kind of women’s group- that’s perfectly appropriate for a wife of my station- all the other details would just horrify them.” She smiled conspiratorially with Rory as she nodded that she’d keep the secret.

“Look, my life took a horrible turn that night. But as often as I wish that I had done something, _anything_ differently… I can’t help but wonder if without that horrible, terrible, no good, very bad experience, would I be where I am today? Who I am today? I’m so much stronger than I ever knew, I mean, I’m kind of a badass. And you, Lorelai Leigh Gilmore, you’re going to come out the other side of this knowing that too- and you are so not alone for that journey, I swear to you.”

Crying, but not out of control sobs, Rory was just shaking her head.

“It just doesn’t feel like it- it feels like my entire life is just ruined. I thought I could move past it and everything, hell, I kind of thought I was doing that. We went out with Finn and Colin and I drank way too much, and I just kept flinching as people moved and there was a smell… some scent that just… made me think about everything all over again… so I drank more.” Then she got sad, quiet.

“Then we went home and I couldn’t even get Logan to touch me… and it just felt like he’d never want me ever again, in any way- how could he? I’m such a fucking mess… another guy fucked me! Another guy did things to me that I would _never_ let Logan do to me!” Honor blanched at that one- she was pretty sure she knew what Rory was talking about. “I just don’t think we can move past this! And then, when I found the ring, when I saw the box with that gorgeous diamond ring and I just… God! It just showed me everything we’ll never have!”

Ring? What ring? That was news to Honor. She tried to hide her surprise, she’d deal with her brother later, he had some serious explaining to do- but that was not the most pressing issue at hand.

“Rory, I know how impossible it seems right now- I know you feel used and disgusting and violated and so many things. But remember, it doesn’t go away on it’s own and there are people who can help you. I talked to your family, this place the Social Worker is recommending CAN take you, it’s amazing, I know a lot of women who have been there, I think it’s exactly what you need. Between me, Logan, your parents and this place, I know that you can get through this whole nightmare and get back to taking the world by storm.”

“You really think so?” She looked at Honor, like a little kid, needing to trust _someone_ right now, needing to feel like there was actually hope for her.

“Hey, you are Rory Gilmore- twice you have stood up to Mitchum Huntzberger. Not to mention, you’re the granddaughter of Emily Gilmore, a woman who apparently called my mother a gold-digging cocktail waitress at a DAR event. You’ve got nothing but moxie in your blood, we just need to find it again. So what do you say? Two weeks at _Caritas_ _Recovery?”_ She was holding up the brochure for the place, it really did look lovely and tranquil, right on the water near Bridgeport- there were boats and horses, it could almost be a resort. Finally, she made a decision.

“Yeah, let’s do this. Not to mention, I’m not sure how much longer I can handle being in this room- and this gown is doing absolutely nothing for my complexion.” Honor was smiling, so proud of her- she leaned in and hugged the woman in the hospital bed and ran out of the room to share the good news.

**************************************************************

After sharing the good information with Lorelai, Chris and Logan outside, Lorelai went to work with the doctor on discharge details while Chris went to find Denise to start the registration process at _Caritas_ , leaving Logan and Honor in the waiting room by themselves- Logan finally breathing, feeling like a major weight was off his chest- it wasn’t entirely gone, but he felt hopeful- that was a nice change of pace these days. Just as he was about to sit back in the chair, Honor turned on him, hitting him on the arm.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were going to propose?” Punctuating each word with a slap on the shoulder.

“Hey!” He was rubbing his shoulder, she didn’t hit him hard, but her engagement ring had definitely made contact once or twice and that was a heavy piece

“Seriously, my baby brother bought a ring and was going to propose without telling his favorite person in the entire world? How could you not tell me?” He looked sheepish, taking a sip of coffee, trying to come up with a decent answer that wouldn’t get him hit again. “I mean, was it a sudden thing? You didn’t have time?”

“I actually- uh, well, I bought it in San Francisco.” He braced for her reaction, waiting for her to do the math on that one.

“Wait, San Francisco was in April!” He just nodded.

“You’ve had a ring since San Francisco? What the hell? I can’t believe I didn’t know this, you and I are supposed to be so close, in case you forgot.”

“I know, I know- and I’m sorry, I thought about telling you a million times, and if it makes you feel better, I absolutely should have consulted you because the idea I had come up with for the proposal was about as bad and wrong for Rory as possible- it was seriously a terrible idea.” He got quiet, his face just fell totally as he sat there, thinking. “Well, if I ever do get the chance, I’ll make sure to talk to you first.” He honestly looked like was going to cry and she had no choice but to put an arm around him and pull him in for a side hug.

“Logan, you will get the chance to propose, I promise you. Right now… she’s just going through stuff… but I swear, it has nothing to do with you.”

“How do we move past this Honor? I mean, I love her so much and she’s hurting and I… I’m worried whether _I’m_ ever going to be able to get past this.” He buried his head in his hands, resting his elbows on his knees. She put her hand on his back, rubbing circles softly on his back trying to comfort him.

“Have you thought about attending a group? They have all kinds of groups for family members of survivors, I could give you some dates and times- it’s pretty casual, you just show up and you talk if you want to, you can ask questions, you can listen to other people and what they’re going through, Finn said it was really helpful. In fact, I bet if you asked, he’d go with you…” He let out sound, somewhere between a chuckle and a sigh.

“It’s still so strange that Finn was your go-to emotional support… I have seen the man in women’s underwear singing 'It’s Raining Men'!”

“Oh, thank you very much for that delightful mental image- I’m going to have see if my therapist can do an emergency session just to work through that one, remind me to send you the bill.” They laughed- not exactly a guffaw, but a more normal kind of laugh than Logan had experienced in weeks. “Seriously, I know that you, above all people, understand that he’s actually a really great and more serious guy than people than he likes to let on. So go- call him and see what he’s doing tomorrow night, I’m pretty sure there is a group around 7:30 and I’m almost positive he’ll go with you." He seemed hesitant, not moving.  "Come on, do me this one favor, give it a shot, ok?” He looked at her, realizing she was right, he needed to talk to other people, he needed to know what people did, how people helped and how people moved past all of this.

He nodded as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and shot off a text to Finn, trying to make a note to get Honor something especially nice for her next Birthday- where would he be without his big sister?


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan seeks help and mysteries are added.

“Are you sure you’re ready to this, Mate? I mean, I think it’s brilliant and I’m glad you’re here, I just want to make sure you understand that it’s going to be… rough.” Logan and Finn were standing outside a local church, waiting to go into the support group Honor had told him about. Finn was watching as Logan was fidgety and a bit paler than normal, but he took a deep breath and squared his shoulder, knowing he needed to do this. 

“Yeah man, let’s go.” He moved forward and Finn pulled him back quickly.

“Look, you’re going to hear a lot of things in there that are going to be really hard- this is a mixed group- it’s Secondary Survivors, like us, and it’s actual victims. We’ll all sit in a circle, someone is going to ask people to share, after they share he’ll ask if anyone has a reaction or a question or a follow up. Speak if you want, ask questions if you want, but you don’t have to- plenty of people just listen their first few times. If it gets to be too much, all you have to do is stand up and leave, it’s totally fine, it happens- I’ve had to do it more than once. You can leave and collect yourself, come back in, or you can leave- no one will judge you, it’s fine. Ok?” Logan took in a few deep breaths and nodded. 

“Alright then, let’s do this.” They walked in together to the social hall/gym of the church- it wasn’t the homiest or most welcoming of spaces, fluorescent lights buzzing overhead, there were some ceiling fans, but all in all it was hot and humid- but there were people sitting in a circle of chairs, sipping on coffee or water. They were all ages, there were two people who looked like they were in high school, a boy and a girl- the boy had dark hair, black painted nails and was wearing a black hoodie and jeans, despite the 90 degree summer heat. The girl next to him- a petite blonde in a cute summer dress, was holding his hand, trying to smile reassuringly at him. That sight alone almost broke his heart, then he looked over a few seats to see an elderly couple- they looked like the couple in the movie Up- the man had a walker standing next to his chair, the woman next to him was knitting quietly in her lap while she waited for the session to begin.

Finn and Logan took their seats right as a man with short but curly hair sat down, holding a long yellow notepad and called to everyone chatting around him to begin. 

“Welcome everyone, it’s great to see everyone here again. We are here to do so much more than to just “try and deal” with what happened to us or a loved one, but we are here to help each other, to learn from one another, to find healing and hope that will make us stronger- that will help us reclaim our lives. Please remember the ground rules- this is a space for healing, which means everyone in this room is here to support each other, this is a place where we accept everything being said, we respect it- it doesn’t matter your orientation, your beliefs… let’s try to keep it positive, alright? Now, does anyone want to share?”

It was a minute before anyone raised their hand- it was the petite girl who was sitting next to the boy in black. 

“Hi, I’m Kaylee… I’m here because my best friend, Peter, was assaulted in the showers at the gym at our high school.” The kid next to her blanched and she leaned into him, squeezing his hand, looking at him like she was asking if it was ok she continued. “He had recently come out and some of the athletes at the school decided to try and show him what it was like to be gay- I won’t get into details, they’re pretty bad, but I’m sure you can guess what a bunch of athletes with access to an equipment closet can think of to use.” Logan felt his stomach turn at that- he remember at one of his boarding schools a guy came out gay and got beat up once or twice, he hadn’t even stopped to think about it at the time, too concerned with the next prank on the Headmaster. 

“Well, the guys they caught were suspended for ten days- that’s it. And I’m…” The girl was trying to hold back tears, Logan couldn’t believe how brave this high schooler was being right now- either of them! “I’m just so fucking angry! I’m sorry, I hope my language doesn’t bother anyone here, but I just don’t really know how else to say what I’m feeling- I just- they hurt him, so badly, he was in the hospital for four days! But the school said there wasn’t really any evidence what happened was their fault, it was too hard to prosecute criminally and chalked it up to “boys being boys”. I mean, what the hell is that? A guy has that done to them and it’s basically like they streaked across the field at a football game! I’m just… I want to hurt every single one of them, I want to see them suffer, I want to physically make them pay! And I have to go to school every single day with these sons-of-bitches- how do I handle this? How can I protect Peter or any other boy at my school who feels unsafe when no one else seems to care?” Angry tears were falling down her face and the room was quiet- because what were they supposed to say?

The man leading the group had some follow up questions- did she feel unsafe herself? Had she thought about trying to form a club- an LGBTQ friendly/Pride group maybe? 

“Sometimes a group of people who don’t feel like they belong anywhere, can find that sense of belonging with each other- and don’t ever forget the concept of safety in numbers, the more people there are at your school who stand up in support, in solidarity, the harder it is for bullies to get their way.” That was from a woman, maybe in her late 20’s, she had really short dark hair with purple tips and multiple piercings all up her ears- dressed in a crazy, colorful dress combination that made her look sort of like a hippie- if anyone knew something about feeling like they don’t belong anywhere, Logan would bet she did.

A few more people stood and spoke, talking about how they were angry, how they felt lost- some of them talked about how hard it was to be there for their loved one who wouldn’t open up, who wouldn’t talk. Finally a woman, about college age stood- she looked vaguely familiar to Logan- she was tall, she had blonde hair, was thin and beautiful, but looked sad, looked beaten down. 

“Hi, I’m Cassie… This is my first time at a group, but, uh… my roommate thought it would be good for me, and so did my therapist, so I thought I’d try it. I’m a student, I go to Yale, at least I used to. I’m not sure if I still do- I’m really not sure if I can go back after what happened. And I’m angry about that- I mean, angry seems to be the emotion of the day, right? I was raped off campus, in my apartment.” She paused to push her hair behind her ear, she was so tense- her shoulders tight, she was so controlled, but had a certain grace to her movements. 

“You see, I worked my ass off my entire life to be a ballerina- it’s all I’ve wanted to do since I was three. Originally I wanted to go to Juilliard, but I have a twin brother, and he’s kind of sick and we were raised by a single mom, so I decided it made sense to double major in something where I could get a real job if I had to, you know, to help pay the bills. Plus, Yale gave me a bigger scholarship- not a lot of people are dual majoring in Dance and Psychology- I thought maybe if I had to, someday I could develop some kind of dance therapy program for kids with disabilities.” She was tearing up, biting at her bottom lip, clenching her fists.

“Basically, I’m broke. So when it was time for my roommate and I to move out of our apartment for the summer for different internships, we decided to sell as much of our furniture as we could, instead of storing it- we’re both from the West Coast. She had a meeting, I agreed to wait for the guy who was coming to pick up the couch we were selling- he’d offered us full price and could be there that day.” Suddenly Logan was sitting up, his spine totally straight, Finn looked at him curiously. Logan’s jaw locked as he listened to the girl describe the exact same thing that Rory had told the police- the guy knocked, said he was from Craigslist, she turned around, he grabbed her, held a knife to her and raped her, repeatedly. She was crying as she spoke, someone got up to hand her some tissues and she flinched at the sudden touch.

“I didn’t go to the cops. I didn’t even go to the hospital. Not at first anyways, it wasn’t until I was a no-show to my internship with the San Francisco Ballet- something I’ve worked for my entire life- that anyone came to my apartment, almost a week later. Finally I went to the hospital, but I didn’t want to talk to the cops, I wanted to forget it all. My sister finally made me find a therapist, I’ve been going for a few weeks now… it sort of seems like it’s maybe getting better. I don’t know- I’m not sure I know what better is supposed to feel like. But I do know that just walking through the gates of campus, towards my apartment, makes me feel sick and panicky. I’m staying with a friend right now, I just can’t be there- but I don’t have the money to break my lease, I don’t think I have the money to transfer anywhere. I don’t really know what to do at this point, how I can possibly move forward… But I also know that I don’t want this bastard to chase me out of school! Out of my dream! I’ve worked so hard for all of this and I just feel like he took it all away from me!” And with that she completely broke down- she was angry, her face was a hot red, but she was sad- Logan could hear the despair mixed with frustration in her voice, it sounded so much like his Ace- he couldn’t- he didn’t really know what to do, he just stood up and left the room as fast he could. He wanted to hurt someone, he wanted to hit something, he wanted to be able to  _ fucking do something!  _

He stormed out of the room, but he couldn’t make himself leave the building, he had to speak with her- he didn’t know if there were rules about that, was he allowed to talk to anyone outside of the room? But what she had said- she had described  _ exactly _ what Rory had been through- he had to talk to her. Was this something that was happening? How was this going on in New Haven and no one knew about it?

“Logan, man, what happened in there? Are you alright?” Logan was pacing fast, he was punching at the air, he was moving as much as he could- Finn knew what his best friend looked like in full on anger/hatred mode and this was it. Keeping his distance, holding his hands up spoke as calmly as he could, trying to coax his friend into speaking. “Logan, I need you to try and calm down- that was a rough session, absolutely- not the easiest one for your first go. But I need to know why you’re so upset. Is it because the girl goes to Yale too?” Logan finally turned and looked his friend in the eyes.

“Rory was attacked in her off-campus apartment by a man claiming to come for the table Paris was selling from Craigslist. Everything she just said, every single thing she just described was like how Rory told it to the police, told it to me. What are the chances that’s a coincidence?” Finn stood there, trying to absorb the consequences of what Logan had just said.

“You mean, someone is going around and doing this in New Haven and nobody's done anything about it? No one has said anything? The cops haven’t put it together?” 

“Yeah, Finn- that’s exactly what’s going on! Some sick and twisted fuck is going around and raping Yale students and apparently no one gives a goddamn shit!” Logan hit both fists against the walls as hard as he could, almost embracing the pain. They just stood there as Logan tried to breathe, the anger obvious, his struggle to keep control apparent to Finn. 

Finn was trying to process- he hadn’t known the particulars of Rory’s story- hadn’t really wanted to know them- imagining his beloved Reporter Girl treated so brutally. To hear that another girl at Yale had been treated the same way, he couldn’t believe that there were multiple men out there doing the same thing. 

“Well, Mate, I think we need to try and speak with Cassie when she comes out- i know she said she didn’t go to the police, but it’s possible she can help them find the sick fucker that hurt them both.”


	22. Caritas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rory starts at Caritas, therapy begins.

It took two days between Rory agreeing to go to Caritas for “voluntary hospitalization” (how it can be voluntary but her only other option was involuntary hospitalization was still a bit beyond her). At first she was informed that she would have to be taken to the new facility by ambulance in the care of a licensed professional for the hand off, but ultimately Chris made some calls, flexed his name and ultimately, with Honor agreeing to accompany Rory, they were allowed around that requirement- after signing away any potential liability if Rory injured herself or anyone else between the hospital and the facility.

And Caritas really was pretty- idyllic, more like an inn her mom would run. It was a large Victorian-style manor with bedrooms for 20 people (the doors opened either way- you could be locked in, but staff could not be locked out). The grounds were beautifully kept- apparently there was some kind of labyrinth in the back, designed by some world-renowned labyrinth designer to help people become "centered" and find peace. That kind of made Rory roll her eyes, but she had promised to give the place a try and she she understood that everyone needed different things- if someone found peace and enlightenment and was able to move on after personal trauma by getting lost in a hedge maze, Rory would never judge that person- if she thought getting lost in hedge maze would help at all, she would happily enter and just keep an eye out for the Minotaur.

It was fairly upsetting when they checked her in- patting her down, making her pull out the lining of her jeans pockets to show they were empty (well, they were empty once she emptied the dirty tissues that fell out as she did so); then they made her take off her shoes to check them, and she had to leave all jewelry with her mom. Chris and Lorelai were told to sit and write out a list of people Rory was allowed to speak to on the phone- she was allowed 45 minutes of phone calls each day, but she wasn't allowed to dial herself- she could tell a member of the staff who she wanted to contact and if that person was on the list, they would dial for her and sit there, listening to her conversation (but don’t worry, on her end only).

There were visiting hours every day, but only for a two hour period until she had earned more privileges. And again, only the people that were on a list written out by Chris and Lorelai- it was far too much power for two people to have over a 22 year old woman’s life. On the one hand, she understood how much she needed help and that this was all part of a tried and true method to give her that- she genuinely wanted to get better. But on the other hand, she chafed against this much stricture and control over her life- she hadn’t had anyone monitoring her comings and goings, her phone calls or even her friends since she was… well, probably not since she was 12!

Eventually she had to say goodbye to Chris, Lorelai and Honor. Logan had returned to California yesterday for work- a very important investor’s meeting, the one that would hopefully allow for him to be able to work from Hartford/New York for the next few months at least. She already missed him so much- he had been so omnipresent for the last few months that without his smirk, his shoulder to lean on, she just felt like something was missing- but she was the one who made him go, so she couldn't just sit and dwell on it without going crazy. No, now was the time for her to be shown to her room and settle in before her first group therapy session, then there was free-time, dinner and art therapy to follow (Rory wasn't super proud of the way she rolled her eyes at the concept of something called "art therapy").

“Well, Hon, I think it will help you to know that Sookie checked this place out and apparently it has a chef who is a friend of a friend, the food is supposed to actually be pretty damn good. And the horses- they have horses! They say it’s therapy, but it looks to me like you just get to spend the morning with them, grooming them and riding them and bonding with them…" No real response from the youngest Gilmore, just an emotionless nod. "I think this place will be good for you, Sweets.” And because she knew Rory almost as well as she knew herself she added, “Don’t worry, if this doesn’t work, we’ll think of something else, just give it a shot, OK? That’s all we’re asking.” And with that Rory nodded, tears in her eyes and hugged her mother, pulling her tight.

“You promise you’ll come visit me every single day?”

“And call every night, I swear.” She pulled away from the hug and pushed back a lock of Rory’s hair from her face- once again noticing just how pale and thin her beautiful daughter had become this summer. “So, I’ve got Luke, Logan, Lane, Honor, obviously, oh- and Sookie is on the OK to contact list. Your dad also made me add your grandparents- although I still haven’t figured out how to explain to them where you are… or why... " Rory’s expression changed to one of sheer panic, “Don’t worry- I haven’t said anything to them about this- I promise. And I have no Friday night dinners coming up, so I think you’re safe, 'kay Kid?” She just nodded, hoping she could trust her mom with this- she just didn’t think she’d be able to handle it if her grandparents learned any of the specifics of this summer. 

“I also put Paris on the list, but I swear I can have her taken off if you want… oh, and Finn and Colin, mostly because I don’t seem to be able to say Finn without adding Colin, and Finn is a sexy Aussie and figured if you’re having a really bad day, his accent alone just might cheer you up, you know?” Rory smiled and nodded at that one, she doubted she’d face a scenario in which Finn or Colin were the people she wanted to speak with, but it was kind of nice knowing she had the option. Then she noticed her mom’s weird smile, she had done something strange… Her eyes narrowed as she tried to figure out what.

“Mom, did you put Paul Anka on the list?” Lorelai burst into a full smile and laughed.

“OK, fine, I did… but in all fairness, that also means you can call the man Paul Anka, right? I mean, maybe you just are lying in bed and feel a need for some crooning and you go to the desk attendant and you’re like, ‘hey- Paul Anka, I need some crooning!'”

“Mom, won't they just call the number you listed, which I’m assuming is the house and _not_ a special number for your dog? Because that honestly crosses the line to truly irresponsible- you know that right? Oh my God, tell me that you didn't have a special number created for your dog, please tell me that!" Lorelai just smiled and kissed Rory on the forehead, trying to take in her features, holding her close, praying, silently, that this would work. 

“I love you, Kid, you know that, right? No matter what, you're my best friend and favorite person." After Rory nodded, but wouldn't make eye contact, Lorelai figured it was time to exit as gracefully as possible. "Well, I’ll... I guess, I'll see you tomorrow?” Before she left she paused to wave, stepping away from her daughter, allowing her to spend a moment with her father- the man who, shockingly, had been their rock through this entire hellish experience.

Chris walked up then and pulled her into a tight hug.

“We love you, Ror, we’re going to visit every day and you can call anytime, I swear- if they give you any grief over it, remind them I’m a Hayden and you’re a Gilmore and we’re paying cash, ok?” She nodded as she pulled him back in for another hug. “Now, I’m on the list, Gigi is on the list- not sure you’ll ever feel the need to check in with a 5 year old, but it’s an option if you’d like to discuss Dora or Sesame Street, alright? Now, just in case there is ever a problem getting in touch with me, my mother is on the list- I understand you’ll want to make her your last choice, but it’s there if you feel the need to go nuclear. I’ve also put plenty of money on your account for snacks and things like that, good news is they swear they have coffee available 24/7 so you should survive, OK?”

“Dad, thank you so much. I know that I haven’t been the easiest this summer…” He just pulled her to him again, squeezing tightly. “You have been more than any girl could ever hope for. Thank you so much for everything. I love you so much. Give Gigi a kiss from me, OK?”

“Will do Kiddo- I love you, and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you.” And then, before it really registered with her, she was being moved from the foyer of the house up the stairs to her room for at least the next 7 days- she was practically a genius, there had to be a way for her to beat the system and get better and out of here sooner than expected, right?

The first night was fine- she met the other women within her group, each of them there for some kind of personal trauma such as sexual assault, domestic violence or PTSD for other reasons that had led them self-harm. She met with a counselor who had all the details of her attack and made her recount everything that led up to her self-harm. She was put into an art therapy group that only made her think of Paris’ Craft Corner in their Freshman year. So she spent time learning things she never needed/wanted to- like, exactly what macrame was and then there was some kind of sculpting exercise that honestly frustrated her more than it could have possibly helped with anything.

Her roommate was out on a two day pass so she hadn't met her just yet- so Rory was a bit bored. She had unpacked the suitcase her mom had packed her and still had an hour of personal time before lights out. She sat on her bed that reminded her of her dorm room cot the first and second years at Yale- industry-grade harsh and scratchy sheets, thin and threadbare blankets. She looked over at her roommate’s bed- noticing she had personalized her half of the space a bit. She had a soft, purple comforter and a few stuffed animals, a stack of books next to her bed- all paperbacks and they looked like they were mostly self-help, but there was also a very well-worn copy of Les Mis- the unabridged version.

Rory also noticed there were photos placed around, all unframed (the glass of frames not allowed in their rooms- it could be shattered and used to hurt themselves), but they were hanging on her wall by string with clothespins, and stacked on her night stand and her dresser. Rory didn’t want to snoop too much but she had to admit the pictures were amazing- she knew that if Olivia from school was here she’d be impressed. They were mostly landscapes in black and white but there were some portraits that were jaw-dropping- her roommate, whoever it was, had some serious talent- real photojournalist quality. Rory didn’t understand photography particularly well, but she was captivated by the way this girl caught the light and really exposed something in the people in the photos-there was vulnerability, sadness, loss, fear… it was remarkable and strangely cathartic.

After a while Rory went back to her side of the room, making a note to ask her mom to bring some things to help her make the place a bit homier, she would be here at least a week and had already spent a week in the hospital, she was so tired of impersonal, austere and antiseptic living space. She sat back to read Emma for pretty much the millionth time, but all reading materials had to be approved- her Sylvia Plath and Toni Morrison books had been confiscated- books with themes of suicidal ideation, assaults or other triggering topics were strictly regulated.

At exactly 10:00 there was a knock on the door of her room and the attendant stepped in (doors were not closed during personal time under any circumstances).

“Ms. Gilmore, it’s lights out- just a reminder, we'll be locking the door from the outside and it will remain locked until 6:30 tomorrow morning. At that time we will unlock it and you may leave the room to shower. Breakfast is at 7:30. If you need anything between now and then-the restroom or some water... you can use the intercom here and ask for someone to come and unlock your door and escort you.” The woman looked down at her clipboard with notes, double checking a few details. “You don’t have any food or bathroom restrictions (what did that mean, Rory wondered) but for the first 48 hours while we wait for your full assessment you will be escorted to the showers and the restroom during quiet hours- it’s for your own safety. We will also bring you a shower caddy tomorrow morning- you’re allowed to have someone change out the products in it- but the caddy and it’s contents will be examined daily to make sure there is nothing dangerous or banned in them. Any questions?”

Rory just shook her head, feeling more than a bit overwhelmed- she hadn’t thought this place would be a resort or anything- but she hadn’t expected this much supervision and stricture and… wow, just a total lack of privacy. She heard the door close and a click of the deadbolt outside just as the lights in the room went off- apparently there was a central switch for that. Frustrated, lonely and missing Logan and her parents she just curled up on her side and softly cried herself to sleep, trying to figure out how this was supposed to help her get better.

The next day began with the lights coming on at 6:30- way too early for Rory’s tastes- nor did she care for the door being opened without her consent so that she _couldn't_ sleep any longer. It was light and there was a lot of noise as the other women began moving about and starting their days. Rory groaned as she got up and began moving about to get ready for the day- she knew she wouldn’t be able to get any coffee until she was dressed and ready- completely unenthused at the prospect of another day full of supposed introspection, empowerment and, theoretically at least, healing.

The morning passed relatively quicky- she had group therapy wherein she said nothing, she had one-on-one therapy with her assigned therapist, Dr. Gertrow, a nice woman who spent most of her hour just asking the questions about what happened the night of her assault and then the night that she was hospitalized.

“Before that night that you overdosed, how had you been dealing with your sexual assault?”

“Well, I was staying at my dad’s because I’m from this tiny little, wacky town- I was so beat up and had bruises and cuts and the cast on my leg of course, so I didn’t want anyone asking questions or anything like that- they mean well, but they gossip like you wouldn’t believe. So I stayed at my dad’s, with Logan, and mostly just worked on trying to move on- applying for jobs at newspapers around the country and all that.” 

“Alright, and did you still see friends and family?"

“I mean, I was living with my Dad and Logan, and my mom came over a lot.”

“What about other friends? I’m assuming you have good friends, from growing up in that small town of great people, or maybe people from school?”

“Well, it was kind of a weird transition period, you know? Paris, she was my roommate for most of my time at Yale, but her and her boyfriend have been backpacking through India since the day after graduation. And then, there's Lucy and Olivia, but they just moved to this tiny studio in NYC and don’t have a car anymore and are each working at least two jobs to make their rent. Colin is working with his dad at a law firm in Boston this summer, Finn is... well, he's Finn and I love him, but I don't know that this is the kind of thing anyone should approach him with. He's more a "what mixes best with tequila" kind of guy, you know? And then there's Lane, my best friend from growing up, but she literally just had twin boys so I didn’t want to bother her.”

“So none of these people were able to come visit you when you asked?” Rory shifted somewhat uncomfortably at what the doctor was getting at.

“Well, not exactly- I mean, I didn’t want to inconvenience them, ask them to take time out of their lives just to come and see me- I mean, we've talked on the phone, some since then."

“Since graduation how many times have you talked to you best friend... uh... Lane, was it?” Rory nodded at that. “How many times have you talked to Lane in the last two months?” 

“Well, like I said, she’s a brand new mom, so her life is all kinds of hectic.” She looked at the firm look in the doctor’s eyes. “Fine, twice.”

“And did she ever call and you just ignored it?” Rory looked down at her hands, nodding. “So, it wasn’t really that your friends couldn’t make time for you or come see you or speak to you, but you were shutting people out?” Well of course she been shutting people out- what the hell was she supposed to say to them? How was she supposed to describe what she had gone through to Lane or to Paris or Colin? God- all she wanted to do was forget that everything that had happened, not hash it out with every person she ever said hello to.

“Rory, of the people you have mentioned today, how many of them know what happened?”

“Well, my grandparents were at the party the night of the attack and mom and I decided to keep it at a robbery gone wrong- Grandpa had a really bad heart attack over the winter and I just… I don’t know if he can handle the stress and I’m not willing to risk it. And like I said, Paris is in India and this isn’t exactly the kind of thing you say over email- hey, hope the Taj Mahal was amazing and BTW, I was raped in our apartment trying to collect $15 for that damn table for you. Namaste.” Dr. Gertrow raised an eyebrow when Rory was unable to keep her anger from leaking out. 

“Wow, that was pretty sharp just there- do you blame Paris for what happened?” 

“What? No, this wasn’t her fault- I offered to do it, and who could have known what was going to happen?”

“Exactly, so what’s with the anger?” Rory was about to shoot back that she wasn’t angry… but realized that wasn’t true. She was angry- but was it at Paris? The room stayed quiet while Rory lost herself in thought. It wasn’t Paris’ fault what happened- Rory had offered to hang back, she was still packing after all, she may as well help Paris out, just like she had already done half a dozen times that week. No, there was no rational reason to be angry at Paris. 

But Rory was most definitely angry. Angry that she hadn’t listened when people had begged her to move out of that apartment building, that she had been too proud to stay at Logan’s apartment (she knew it was important for her to move out, but this wouldn’t have happened in that apartment) or maybe ask her Dad to help her pay for a place her last semester of school- maybe even just pay for Logan’s place for her. But that wasn’t how she was raised- if she didn’t earn it, if she hadn’t worked for it, she shouldn’t be so flippant about accepting it.  

“Rory, would you like to let me know what you were thinking just now?” Rory had almost forgotten the woman was in the room- she was totally lost in thought.

“I’m not angry at Paris. I had done plenty of these exchanges over the last week or two for her, it isn't her fault that this happened.” More silence as the Doctor waited to see if Rory was going to say anything else, but when that didn't happen after a bit, she jumped back in. 

“Rory, are you familiar with the concept of the 5 Stages of Grief?” 

“Yeah, I took some psych classes Junior year.”

“So you know that the first stage is denial. Denial in this case doesn't necessarily mean you're saying it didn't happen, but you aren't owning the impact it had on you and your life.  You don't want to talk about it, deal with it or be treated differently by anyone because of it. So, that includes things like not wanting to talk to your friends and family so you hid in your room. After denial, the second stage is anger- you can feel irrationally angry at people, at things, at situations. Anger is what we do with the intense emotions we’re feeling after trauma or loss… you have so many powerful feelings coursing through you and your brain doesn’t really know what to do with them, so it begins to translate your grief, your fear your sadness into anger. But when you really stop and try to logically parse it, figure out who or what you're angry about, you can't figure it out.  Of course, that may make you feel guilty about having been angry and _that_ can set the cycle off all over again. Does that all make sense?” 

“Yeah, I think so.”

"Good. Now, let's walk through this, see if we can break it down and move past some of your anger. Now, why did you move in with Paris? You had been living with your boyfriend, Logan, right?"

"Short answer? Logan got a job in New York and was getting an apartment there. But... I don't know, I guess... I think I needed to prove I could take care of myself, I didn't need to be "kept". I mean, my mom was taking care of herself _and_ me from the time she was 16 and all I’ve done is be taken care of. How am I supposed to be an international correspondent, globe-trotting reporter if I can’t take care of myself in New Haven? Guess what? Turns out, I can't- all my family's money, all of my education and the work I've done to become an intrepid reporter and I let something like this happen to me!" Her voice was getting louder, she was getting angrier and angrier, but she needed to get this off her chest. "Seriously, How could I be so careless and dumb? How am I going to spend weeks in war zones and refugee camps if I can’t help myself in my own damn apartment?”

“Rory, what could you have done to keep this from happening?”

“I don’t know- I should have asked to see ID before I opened the door, or I should have insisted someone was with me in the apartment… or, maybe met him downstairs in the lobby- although that time of year I guess the building was pretty empty. And I guess he could have had a fake ID and I would have opened the door for him anyways.” 

“Rory, I want to continue to explore this theme, but we’re running out of time today and I believe you have visitors coming to see you. So, I have two assignments for you: 1) When you're having these feelings- anger, self-pity, whatever, I want you to try and think about _why_ you’re feeling upset or angry about that thing- try to chase it down to it’s root cause- ask yourself "why" at least five times. 'Why are you angry?' 'Because I should have stopped him.' 'How could you have stopped him?' 'I could have asked for ID.' 'Would that have guaranteed this didn't happen?' Do you see what I'm getting at here?" Rory nodded, not sure how that was going to help but she honestly just wanted to get out of the room and go nap. 

"Ok, the second assignment: I want to challenge you to reconnect with at least two people this week. It can be a phone call or inviting them for a visit, it's your choice entirely, but isolating yourself from the people who love you the most does no good. You have to overcome the denial and that instinct to isolate yourself from everyone. You need to find a way to invite people to support you- whether you tell them the whole story or not, that's your business- no one _deserves_ to know any details of what happened. However, in my experience, letting some people in, having more people you can rely on to understand what you are going through, the easier it is to heal. Just my two cents.”

And with that Rory was able to leave therapy with quite a bit to think about and was taken to the living area where her mom, dad and Logan were all waiting, awkwardly sitting and trying to talk, waiting for her to join them.


End file.
